christian_bboy

The dilemma of originality

2011-09-18T15:48:00.000+08:00

I haven't have much time, it's about time to go for session. But anyways.

What is original? I would define it as a quality of action, idea, or thought which has not been performed by anyone else, and which took inspiration from others of minimal resemblance.

Herein lies a big problem which I do not resolve to solve anyway. Not that much about solving, even touching on the spirit of finding a suitable and feasible resolution is not in my consideration. Hence, I will pen a different idea to the meaning of originality to me.

The inspiration for this thought came through bboying (breakdancing). As of any creative and overtly expressive art, bboying requires the practitioner to innovate, groove, integrate. In short, be creative in a relevant way. Being irrelevant would mean something like, dancing completely out of sync with the music, or replying in a completely different language. Above all, one may have any move he likes, but if the approach and feel is not bboying-like, it loses its relevance TO OTHER PEOPLE.

This raises 2 issues:

1. The allowance of deviance within which creativity is accepted.
2. The measure of creativity.

I think I won't have time to explore the second. So just the first for now..
Imagine a world without bboying. Suddenly, out of sheer madness, a ballerina shows this on stage during a ballet performance:

I don't know what the reaction is going to be like. Sure it is crazy, surely it is extremely skillful. But surely, too there will be debates on the appropriateness of this deviance. There will be people arguing: is this ballet? what are the core concepts of ballet?

The main thing is: the approach. The approach and the feel of the video you see above does not fit the contemporary feel of ballet. This is when styles come out. That is why dances are classified to popping, locking, ballet, LA, bboying, etc.

But isn't the above common sense? Yes and no. Yes because we know that if something is different, it will be viewed as a deviance, and if there is enough of which, a new style will probably emerge.

Herein lies a problem: if there is not enough constituents of a new approach, there will not be a new style. Hence, the deviance from the old style is called 'anomaly', or rather, alienated, unapplied, unrecognized originality. There is this point when original becomes weird. A slight deviance is ok. But a huge deviance, depending on context and type of move, stands a lower chance to be accepted into the same style.

Why am I saying these "common sensical" stuff? It's due to the reason that creativity, while prized, isn't always accepted by others. And why is it not is because of the difficulty of a person (more likely the social group) to adjust to the founding of the new idea. That's why I bring in approach and feel. Things may be different, but the approach should not be too different, nor the feel of the change be too different. It's the boundary when "that's fresh!" becomes "thats err..". And in many times, a way people ostracize a certain style. And in many ways, we ostracize another person in confirmation of his style.

Implications of the group acceptance theory? (i dont know if there is such theory, just tongue in cheekily named)This group acceptance perspective triggers 2 things: the acceptability of the idea depends on the progress and stage of the group. This means that the most original idea would likely not have been accepted by the masses. So the most original would not be the most acceptably creative. Which further implies that great deviances are not "outright unacceptable", but more of "unacceptable because we can't adjust to it".

This could mean that past ideas which are rejected could be prophetically accepted today. That deviant ideas and weird perspectives in the past could just mean something awesome, fresh and acceptably original this day. Because the general consensus and public perspective, accumulated knowledge, or experience has changed over the years.

Which brings in one important thing: that one can look at all ideas and actions to be just ideas and actions in itself. Of which, qualification for complexity must be justified not by how it looks but how much it developed on assumptions it stand on. Because in one era, assumptions are different from another. So let's say there was a deviant theory in the past because it stood on different assumptions, they can be made relevant today because the assumptions are proven wrong, or viewed in a different manner.

Back to the real world with bboying. The move above, as I stated, is crazy, is high skilled. But will probably be rejected by the ballerina committee. But in bboying, it's totally loved. Why so? Because there is a frame which fits an approach to a certain form of interpretation. In this would house the appropriateness of the move. Simply put, it fits into a different style.

Then why don't I just say "style" but instead go one round to talk about approach, group acceptance, assumptions and bboying? Because I believe that the concept of style has a complex construct behind it. The reason for even trying to explore the complex construct is to look at some ethical dilemmas later on.

Contact

2011-09-15T01:28:00.003+08:00

The first time I came in contact with something bboy related is sometime in 1999. I was 3rd grade then, extremely active, playful and easily influenced. Who isn't?

I don't remember what exactly the competition is. I think it's the gymnastics world championships. I can't say for sure, because I just googled for some significant event to be influential enough to be broadcasted on cable TV.

It wasn't me who started trying some gymnastics shit first. It was my brother. He was trying handstands, and he was FIRST GRADE. In retrospect it was pretty insane because he managed to get up and stay there for a tad longer than a second. It wasn't neat, to be sure, but it was nonetheless commendable for the first handstand attempts!

Having saw that, I believed that I could do it. Thinking that: if I can stand on my legs, why can't I stand on my hands? So down I went, but I remembered to keep my legs straight because that's how the gymnasts do it.

When you're young, you don't have the amount of knowledge you have when you grow old. You get a greater sense of the world, especially in terms of dangers and threats. All these come from injuries, accidents, flops, bloopers. But in a sense of the term, all forms of aches and pain; heart aches, emotional scars which indelibly had adverse effects on you, your actions, psyche or mind. I was without any of these then, so enabled me to look at things in an innocent, or should I say, more ignorant manner.

I looked at my batman and power ranger toy the toy basket. Picked it up, and balanced it on its hand. Then I thought that if this stupid toy which has no ability to correct its balance can balance on one hand, why can't I? After all, he really really resembles a human being! That's how I got splits too. I opened the power rangers' legs and thought: if i can stretch my arms so far, why can't I stretch my legs anywhere close to that?

So one day I was in my school's auditorium, with polished, varnished wooden planks on the floor, and a few other friends fooling around about an hour before the after noon session starts (school starts at 1pm), I suddenly decided to do the handstand. Why I knew I was going to go upside down, feel the rush of blood to my head, and stare at nothing but the ground to help my balance, I didn't know I was going to stay up there for 10 seconds. By no means it was all skill. It was mostly luck. I could do something, but I didn't realize it. It wasn't anything awesome, but it was something worth remembering. So much so, that I had it in my mind, somehow, through these 12 short years.

I can't really recount any really bboy-related experience I between then and 7th grade. Because bboying wasn't even heard of then. Nor was I interested in gymnastics at all. I mean, what I see other than the handstand were somersaults, insane combos, superhuman strength. While I got inspired by the strength part, the other 2 didn't really inspire me. I started doing pull ups in 3rd grade, and that went on till 5th grade, with decreasing frequency to the pull-up bar. By then, I could do 10 pull ups. That was all there was I guess, besides playing normal elementary school stuff. There wasn't anything dance related at all, aside from the fact that I did not want anything to do with it.

It is in light of this ignorant and innocent mind processing which allowed me to get splits and handstand by just looking at the TV. It isn't any sort of a big achievement or anything. But this very perspective which we 'grow out' of, I will come to get it back much later as I grow up. Because it has this debunking capability, mixed with determination and belief, which I found very useful to have a heart having gained a head.

I will explain more on that later.

Rubbing shoulders

2011-09-12T02:47:00.000+08:00

The first time I had any contact with dancing was... I don't know. But the first memory of me dancing on stage was a dreadful experience in nursery and kindergarden, between 3 to 5 years old. Every year we had to perform, at least once, for some event. I'm not sure what, but just some Nursery event. I remember putting on lipstick and hair gel, the bow tie and maybe suspenders(?). I was the blur one in the group, which I still am sometimes. I didn't really like the performances because I felt somewhat embarrassed to stand in front of people who towered over me and doing irrational actions in front of them. Watching those videos bring back memories, not very fond, but surely worth remembering. I could feel the atmosphere of it all. The hanging mood and expectation of parents, especially mine, and the embarrassment of my appearance. I was wondering "don't only girls wear lipstick? why are you making me a girl now?".

But there came this experience which was the one which changed, and solidified my then resolution towards dancing. I was dancing with this board, three quarters my height, isn't very long, and I was.. half naked and had some ridiculous amount of makeup. I think I was supposed to emulate some sort of cultural dance. But I hated it. I hated the whole process of training because they were forcing me to do something that I didn't like. And worst of all, making me look like a.. cultural artifact, a state which i did NOT fancy (it may be better if they made me Alexander the great, no wait I wouldn't have known who he is..), and coercing me to do your will isn't a good way for me to remember dancing! So from that point on, I told myself that I would never have anything to do with dance.

Because it made me look stupid. Because it made me do things I don't want to. Because it advertised them and is a tool to make others happy and make me sad at the same time.

Aside from the last point, the former 2 have significant repercussions till this day. That's why to look at oneself, look at how he thinks as a child. Because he will be honest with you, and the core of his personality will never change.

Prologue

2011-08-12T11:59:00.006+08:00

I don't know which part of my parents' genes have traits of hyperactivity and inability to stay focussed embedded in it. Perhaps its a strange concoction of a particular chemistry which resulted in an oddball. A person with a lot of energy and who is unable to stay focussed for a long time is born on 5 May 1990.

Almost all toddlers are curious. Most are active. Most love to run around, play games, scream and make noise, get excited really easily and can't get their hands and eyes off anything.

In the turn to adolescence, a number of children quieten down. They keep more to themselves, become apathetic, get less excited about things, have their energy levels go down.

As a child matures to a young adult, his energy level continues to go down. Nonetheless, he's in the prime of his youth, he has the opportunity to do almost anything he can. He starts to question about life, do things with his life to see what it could become.

For most, as one stage transits to another, the former stage of growth passes and gets left behind.

But not for me.

I don't know if I wanted to be like that or that I'm just like that. But what I think of it is: there is no need to discard the old while embracing the new. There is no need to sacrifice your energy levels for things you really enjoy doing. There is no need to stop asking questions (sometimes stupid), and remain curious. I believe there is great misunderstanding towards the word "maturity", that it has far less to do with behavior than it has to do with the development of perspectives, ideas, and views towards the world (though these 2 are much related, they are many times wrongfully associated). I retained the lenses through which many people view the world. It helped me gain a better understanding of several levels, and most of all, remain a student to the world and all around me. After all, every person I know has a vast, untouched universe within every one of them.

Hence,

I remained curious, hyperactive, selectively excited lol, playful, animated, inquisitive.

the preface

2011-08-03T23:41:00.004+08:00

Ive always needed to write it down. My story of bboying. How it began. But more so, how it revived and became the life it is to me today.

It wasn't always like that, feeling passion and connection to this dance, this movement. It wasn't always enjoyable, in fact in the past it was more unenjoyable than it was enjoyable. Some point in history, the the rate of learning and dopeness tapered off. Practice became a chore, something I was more happy to avoid than to embrace. Once in a while, some passion and uninterest would surge back and there I was breaking again.

Most of my years spent in bboying were.. how should I put it, frivolous, unthought, casual and lazy. Today, it is.. frivolous, unthought, casual, in a very different way. And I am definitely crevices less lazy than I was back then. It is my character and energy in sync with bboying, directed in a positive way.

But this change did not occur out of the blue. It wasn't the case of getting an airflare suddenly and ignited my passion all the way till today. It wasn't anything like one day God decided to alter my mind like in "The Adjustment Bureau" and WTFBBQ, passion re-ignited.

It was a combination of events and things happening in my life. Decisions, knowledge, and some much needed help from my boys in Kyensai.

I don't know if it was supposed to be like that, or that God wanted to be like that, or that we fucked it up such that almost 4 and a half years must pass for this change to happen. I won't say that 4 and a half years are needed to wake me up, but it was a period for without which, I would not have known so much about myself. All of us go through tribulations, tests, or events which can potentially shape us. For some, it is terribly obvious. For others, it takes time to realize. Maybe I was lucky to have something like this as a part of my learning journey.

The good news is, the journey has only just started.

Bad news exist as often as you would find a treasure chest in your living room coming home from school.

expression in words

2011-07-30T14:07:00.002+08:00

knowledge is power.

unapplied knowledge is unactivated power.

unapplied knowledge of a very knowledgable person is the choice to not exercise power.

refusal to use knowledge of a very knowledgable person out of ignorance is wasted power.

uncommunicated knowledge is stored power.

excessively uncommunicated knowledge is hoarding of power.

hence,

applied, well-communicated knowledge the best extraverted exercise of power.

backtrack

2011-07-27T16:51:00.000+08:00

fucked myself up by missing scholarship applications.

and many other things in freshman year of university.

i shall not fuck up no more.

lets pray that scholarship applications are still available next year.

elasticity and bending.

2011-07-12T17:37:00.002+08:00

One of the reasons why babies learn fast the way they do is because of the nature of the exposure and the elasticity of their minds. Right? Neurologists please correct, basing this only on my own reasoning lol.

They are exposed to many beginner level, novice stage, simple stuff. So it's like a big thing when a baby takes his first steps. From crawling to walking, the improvement is so vast, and the knowledge gained so much, so wide, but it ain't deep.

Same for many things. It's easy to learn the beginner stage and simple stuff first because our mind picks it up quickly and learns faster by practice. On the contrary, for the difficult stuff, you need to practice more. It's definitely harder for Usain Bolt to shave a second off his PB, than it is for me to accomplish the same.

For bboying, learning the beginnings of a windmill, nike, 6 step, indian step, handstand, or even flare, is alot easier than perfecting a flare. It is partially because of the nature of the move and the elasticity of the mind. When we first started bboying, we explored our style, know nothing about knowledge, and just want to form the first set as quick as possible. But as our style develops, we construct better sentences for our sets and replies, and our dance starts to make sense.

Then comes the difficult part. This is when improvement will slow. It's no longer so easy to get a move in one day. Our styles and tendencies make us, but sometimes also limit us. It becomes hard to make more minisets. Sometimes creating new stuff requires brainstorming.

But when you watch videos, you suddenly gain inspiration and have new ideas. Not so much of biting ideas, but the movement of another person opens up a little channel in your mind. More often than not you go like "that's fresh! why haven't I explored it?!" than "wtf was that shit?". The fact that you responded well means that there is a certain thing in his movement that you can make sense of. And the sense you made turned up to be something beautiful. All these is because of an exposure to another movement or idea, thought, interpretation.

But that's not all. we can go deeper. What does that imply? What does being inspired by an external idea mean? What can we conclude from this in the end?

To be inspired means that your mind, or your soul is receptive enough to an external stimulus to be influenced positively. Why this happens is because of 2 reasons:
1. The external stimuli and the person himself have a somewhat understandable understanding field.
2. The person himself has enough brain elasticity to capture and understand the stimuli, even if the difference between the stimuli and the person's mind are very far apart.

Reason 1:
Let's say if I'm going to teach a stranger bboying. And I start by teaching him 1990s straight up by telling him to go on 1 hand and spin like a top. Compare that with breaking down the steps, teaching him to go to handstand in a circular motion, then followed by a whip, then the lean. Why teaching step by step is alot more helpful is this: I convey my information in a way that the student understands and can connect with. To a passer by, seeing Cico do 32 1990s is like "WTF JUST HAPPENED". But to Boy, it may be something like "Oh so he sat in for more spin, that's all I need to do to sqweeze 15 rounds more?". 2 totally different reactions, because of the extreme discrepancies in knowledge and understanding ability.

Reason 2:
There was a period of time earlier this year when I was trying rainbows. I could not understand and feel the motion of the hollowback cartwheel, although I can do it. I just.. couldn't feel it! Until one day I went esplanade and ask Gilbert from FTC. He gave me a tip to reach far out with my second hard for the ground. When I did it, he told me to reach a little more backwards. Boom here comes the rainbow. AND I CAN FEEL IT (Thanks Gilbert, again). This is how I got reverse halo in 2 days. I was thinking that if I grub and place my nonstabbing hand down, my body will unwind, so all I need to do is to pull my left hand to encourage the CCW spin (thanks XF for that inspiration), and boom i spun, but didn't catch. The next day I caught so I got it!. This is how many of you suddenly got a move you didn't know you can. Apart from natural body tendencies granted to you since the Sperm fused with the Egg, your style and movements outside of bboying play a big role in your natural tendencies too. The trick here is, keeping your mind open and mouldable to new ideas, knowledge, perspectives. Things get a little different when you rephrase the question. Instead of "How should I surprise my girlfriend", you can explore the possibilities of startling your mom. Ok that's poor. Sorry I'm thinking of dinner and bboying later...

So long as your mind is mouldable and receptive to new ideas, you are able, physically, to do something new, because you are mentally ready for it. Learning a backflip on matress and road are 2 different things not because the road is easier. (FYI the difficulty of a backflip is influenced by how high you jump and how fast you spin, so matress consperm more difficult) But that we are mentally prepared to fall, so that frees up a large part of the brain. Just like jumping off a building won't kill you. But the 100mph impact with solid ground probably will.

Keep it elastic, keep bending it. Im not talking about your dick. But your mind, the key to unlock likes in the receptiveness of ideas, perspectives and discovery of your own.

why worry.

2011-07-12T00:58:00.002+08:00

Ive always loved to chill.

I mean, what's the rush?

More often than not, it pays off.

It will pay off if this is taken in an inspiration for proactivity than an excuse for delayed reactivity.

But even so, proactivity isn't paranoia.

So chill.

But chilling is a bit difficult when others are worried for you. Or even about you. The worst thing is that they doubt you can take care of yourself. Sometimes, it may not even be so serious. Just an exasperated concern, albeit rational, could cause you to lose a certain confidence in yourself. Especially if the person is someone who you really value. As for me, I would believe that the person knows me enough to um.. worry, so it may be true.

But what if they don't? What if the person, although close to you, knows little about you? Your core self? How about when his perspective is forever marred by certain mistakes you made? What if the person cannot change his perspective, or listen to new stuff? Finally what if he and you are different people? Wouldn't that make knowledge more difficult?

I have always wanted to go on a working holiday.

Because, you know, I can travel AND earn the damn airfare back. In some cases, let's say if I work in Australia or New Zealand, I can definitely come back with a fatter wallet (and luggage). So money wise, it's not a problem.

PLUS, I know people in the States, Australia and New Zealand! All of them (except NZ) I have met personally.

Is there a spirit of doubt and worry? If there is it tickles me once in a while. Especially decisions like that. Investments of time.

The problem is when others say stuff like: How much will your savings be after the trip? Some of these places are very dangerous, better not go alone!

Which I understand is out of concern. Sometimes I can sense a tinge of discouragement, but nevermind its really okay. Most of the time, they are not interrogations or anything meant to scare me, because I am not least scared by it. Come on, Australia and the States, though more dangerous than our Singapore, isn't Baghdad. And most people who entered Baghdad made it out alive. Oh did I say they stayed there for many months? Facing guns? You probably didn't know that do you?

But what some of these concerns did is to make me think twice. Which is completely irrational. I can consider, but not THINK TWICE WHAT THE HELL. Sometimes, it made me doubt. It made me lose confidence. Which is irrational. I know more people, am more socially capable, more situationally aware, streetsmart and intelligent than the average chap. And I'm confident that I'm better in those aspects by a good deal more. How many of you know what hands in pockets could mean, or, look back every minute to see who's behind you, or recognize the streets you walk, or notice the environment change as you round the corner, notice vans and pickups, take note of exit routes, how to take down the person down the street the most effective manner, dress like the locals, avoid looking like an outsider, try to pick up accents (I failed at the chinese one so forgive me), take note of eye movement and planning what to do next instead of looking straight ahead when you walk to your car or convenience store, improve your peripheral vision and your night vision? and fire a pistol? OK i haven't learnt jungle tracking and survival because Im not in the infantry so im down on that part. But given those things I do with my head as I go to town and come back, am I not better prepared than the average person? PLUS I have the best insurance, a friends on the land itself.

So, why worry?

One should worry if he is going to face a task and he is not prepared for it.

But should not worry if he knows the Shit Hits the Fan and can't do a thing about it.

EVEN MORE should NOT worry if there is little shit and that he carries an umbrella to deflect shit away.

Most of the time, comments and concerns from others don't mean to discourage. But more of offer a perspective the person may or may not have thought of. But if every concern tickles your confidence in yourself by a noticeable amount, then, perhaps, you're worrying too much.

So this is how to send a chill guy into a tailspin.

You don't need him to worry himself out.

You just need to make him have doubts.

So knowing this, I won't go into a tailspin.

the solution

2011-07-10T15:36:00.003+08:00

Let's say:

The return airfare from Singapore to Florida is: 1739 Singapore dollars.

And minimum daily expenses are: 20 SGD a day.

Hence, the total amount needed to exist for one day is:

1739SGD + (n*20SGD).

Deduction 1: it will cost less per day the longer I stay

Deduction 2: the proportion of cost of airfare on total cost will decrease the longer i stay'

Conclusion 1: Staying longer will equate to money better spent.

Conclusion 2: Staying longer will mean a less wastage of money spent on transport

So if I stay for 15 days (just on food.) in FL, it will cost:

1739 + (15*25) = 2114 SGD

That's assuming that I have accomodation for free. But just in case it's not free, and thru experience, the cost of hotel there was 31 per night because i booked on expedia. So let's recalculate.

1739 + (15*25) + (15*31) = 2579SGD

That's what I have to do to exist a day comfortably (not living off hamburgers and 1 dollar pizzas). No sightseeing and shopping. Wait. Haven't factored in transport.

The car rental in the states for 15 days is... 710USD with car insurance (extra 25USD a day cos im a F**KING YOUNG DRIVER), without GPS (im smart enough to bring a gps there now). Assuming i pump full tank once in 8 days, and the car contains 45L of petrol, then daily petrol usage is 5$. Hence, daily car cost is 58.6SGD.

HENCE, for a good transport, decent food and decent accomodation, it will be:

1739 + (15*25) + (15*31) + (15*58.6) = 3458

Finally, this is it. We, as bboys don't need to shop.

While it sounds stupid, it is actually not so, because I am a bboy, and my primary objective is to learn and not sightsee or shop.

Apropos, it is ridiculous.

How can you possibly spend 1739$ to go US and NOT SHOP?! DAMN.

So of course, let's come out with a shopping list. I would at least need to buy:

2 Shoes

There. So 2 shoes cost about 120USD (give abit of allowance).

But of course, there are many things that would catch my eye.

So let's calculate this way. Let's say eveyday a T shirt catches my eye, every 3 days a shirt catches my eye, every 4 days, a pants catches my eye, and every five days an Airmax catches my eye. So if a Tshirt is 15SGD, a shirt is 40SGD, pants is 40SGD, Shoes are 75 SGD, then, the daily shopping expense will be:

1*15 + .333*40 + .25*40 + .2*75 = 53SGD/day

So with these 2 essentials, and assuming (hoping) that i can get a free entry to Disneyland, and assuming i stay for 15 days, my total cost will be:

1739 + (15*25) + (15*31) + (15*58.6) + (15*53) = 4253

For 15 days. One person.

WTF.

The solution:

But, things get better when there are more people. For example, the car and the accomodation can be shared, which results in the case of 2 people:

1739 + (15*25) + [(15*31) + (15*58.6)]/2 + (15*53) = 3581

What wonder if there are 4 people travelling together. Let's add an extra $4.40 for the car cos... there needs to be more space yea. so it results in:

1739 + (15*25) + [(15*31) + (15*58.6+4.4 = 63)]/4 + (15*53) = 3261.5

Oh yes, if we can register a driver who is NOT under 25, then it will save us 31$ a day! Alternatively, you can travel after 25 but please...

1739 + (15*25) + [(15*31) + (15*63-31=32)]/4 + (15*53) = 3145

Finally, because of my vast network of bboys, and if they're hospitable enough, it would be great man, which means we would not need to pay for accomodation. Problem is: do they have space? Assuming that accomodation is 100 a week, it will mean 14 a day. shared by 4 is:

1739 + (15*25) + [(15*14) + (15*63-31=32)]/4 + (15*53) = 3081

3081SGD. This is the cost of going to Florida for 15 days, the most expensive state to go to in US because of the flights. Shopping, food, accomodation, and bboying included. The shopping part is 800SGD. For me its abit difficult to reach, but for girls..

So assuming i take a long vacation of 21 days there with 3 other friends,

1739 + (21*25) + [(21*14) + (21*63-31=32)]/4 + (21*53) + 31 on extra baggage = 3649

That's 1113$ of shopping, which is about 15 airmaxes with.

The solution: Hang on. How about I stay longer, and find temporary employment to earn back some cash?

The problem is, if that's so, I would have to travel on my own as I can't expect others to do this with me. So, travel expenses are (assuming I still rent the car, which isnt feasible): 167 a day. Very unfeasible.

But let's pray that I could stay with someone there in the states, the accomodation, be 100 a week, or 14 a day, it will mean a reduction of 17$ a day. If I don't rent that car (which i probably won't), then costs will be reduced by 58.6 a day.

Thus, daily living expenses will be:

25+14+53 = 92/day

If I live on one dollar pizzas and burgers, food expenditure will be 9 a day, equating to:

9 +14+53 = 76/day.

That's still spending 53 a day on shopping. And if i stay 2 months, I would have spent: 3200$, which is buying 42 airmaxes wtf. So let's say I go shopping once a week, and during which I buy an Airmax, 2 tees, 1 shirt and pants: 75 + 30 + 80 = 37/day. That equates to a ridiculous 8 airmaxes at the end. So let's half that number. which means i will spend 18.5 a day on shopping.

Hence:
Food (9) + Accom (14) + Shop (18.5) = 41SGD

Let's tabulate a hourly rate table, assuming I work 7 hours a day:

Rate (USD)
5 35 = 43.5
6 42 = 52.5
7 49 = 61
8 56 = 70
9 63 = 78.5
10 70 = 87.5

IF i can get a rate of 7USD an hour, i could make a surplus of 20 SGD a day.

Using that to service the cost of the airfare, the cost of travel would be:

1739 - (n*20).

So if I work for 2 months, the price of travel will be:
1730 - (60*20) = 530
If i work for 10 weeks, the price of travel will be:
1730 - (70*20) = 330

This is the solution to travel. Although an average tourist will suffer a lot from less shopping and less sightseeing, it's the most efficient method of travel. Because I got to travel, and I got to learn too. I would learn a hell lot about... almost everything. Let's hope I can get some allowance.. because if there is I could turn a 'profit'.

Day 20

2011-06-24T14:23:00.002+08:00

Newark, New York

0234

Happenings
1015-1050 shuttle to manhattan
1050-2300 explore manhattan
Including little italy, rows of mama shops, Chinatown,
An elementary school, going shopping at a megadiscount
Departmental store, battery park, 911 site and the piers.

Tomorrow a jam coming up. Interesting.. Lets see them in action!

day 16

2011-06-21T16:11:00.003+08:00

Orange County, CA

0112

Happenings:

0730 - wake. the earliest so far
1030 - 1830 Universal studios Hollywood!
1930 - 2030 Realized we missed the train, and that the next one comes an hour later, we grabbed lunch but found a jail instead -.- Finding food is NOT easy.
2030 - 2100 Took Amtrak train to practice
2120 - 0030 PRACTICE

Universal studios did a good job! I mean, it's one of the few originals we went. Imagine that, Universal studios in HOLLYWOOD. It was good stuffs there man.

Practice was good. Learnt various methods of practicing, making routines, and cypher and battle techniques. Really one of the best sessions I ever had. Too bad hyperextended ma fingers, and had to cut it for the last half hour.

Scoobs, Cream, Cook and gang invited us to join BattleHolex at the end of the session. I mean, i am not a battle-holic, but getting to know all these people, is like opening a huge waterfall of contacts, opportunities, and amazing people I could learn from, interact with, and get to know better. As my 2 reasons why I break is because: 1. That I love to move with the music because I am hyperactive, and 2. So i could understand a subculture, and this vast network of people. For the very very least, being a Battle Holex allowed me to accomplish the second goal. But altruistically, I hope it could help the Singaporean scene when we get back to the island!

day 15

2011-06-20T16:42:00.003+08:00

Orange County, CA

0143

Happenings:

1200 - Wake
1300 - 1730 - Go Flea market, bought 2 tees @ 5$ each, and went supermarket
1730 - 1830 - Dinner
1900 - 2030 - Nap
2230 - 0000 - SESSION WITH KILLAFORNIA AND BATTLEHOLEX PEOPLE

Bought the AirMax BW Persian Red

Thanks to Zulu Scoobs for his fresh suggestions during sessions. Interesting stuff Remind said about battling in R16, and using his head so much in toprocks. Great to see total freestyle practice!!

just a pretty face

2011-06-18T00:22:00.003+08:00

you sweep the feet of men as their eyes fell on you albeit the quickness, casual glimpse

sometimes it transpires as passing comments, in other cases, long conversations and the use of protection (and not)

you lead us in a maze, hynotic is your voice, entralling is your gaze, your looks so coy.

but just as you shine under the flashing lights, just as you own the dancing night, the light shines through, and my look strikes through, like hitting a mannequin, hollow, plastic, glass-eyed.

from here, the spark has left your eye. like an eye-glassed with cataract. so young, so lovely, you're present but somewhere else, you precious spirit, missing soul. like the wisp in the mist, a green could of a dead person.

i know you got soul. but where did you leave it? when has it left you?

day 13 (?)

2011-06-17T13:02:00.004+08:00

Orange County, CA

2203

Day 13 (?)

Ive no idea day no. what this is cos of the 19 hour flight and the resultant jet lag.

Activities:

sleep @ 0445

Wake @ 1600

going out later, dno where and when

day 10

2011-06-15T01:29:00.004+08:00

Taoyuan, Taiwan

Time: 0129

Happenings:

Reveille: 1000 (the EARLIEST since)

1130 - 1230: Walk THREE rounds around Taipei central station to find a marker pen

1230 - 1430: Meet up w/ Xf's sister and friend, have lunch buffet for 15S$

1430 - 1630: Get marker pen @ Daiso, then write the card for our godsisters

1630 - 1830: Went north of Shilin to shop. Forgot the place. This is what i got:

AIRMAX CLASSIC WHITE for S$65! It would easily have been double back in SG.

1945 - 2200: Fawesome dinner with freshwater fish and fat beef saturated in saturated beef sauce with Godsisters.

Leaving for the US tomorrow! Am I ready for it? Not really. But I'm ready for one thing: to learn.

Could never have imagined back when I was young that I would go to the states at the tender age of 21. If not for bboying, I would never have went there so early. Maybe sometime in my life, but not at 21. I'm not there for an all-out vacation kind of thing. but above all, through all, to learn about people, myself, my friends, and bboying.

Apologies for the lack of photos. I didn't take a lot this trip!

day 9(night)

2011-06-13T23:09:00.002+08:00

Taoyuan, Taiwan. Time: 2314

It was day 8 yesterday, sorry for the error :S

Happenings:

Revielle: 1330
Activities:
1615-1720: 60$ Linner @ dingTaiFung. We never ate anything after that.
1720 - 1900: Eslite bookstore. I think I'm going to buy travel journal from there for last minute shopping
1900-1930: Went to HRC studio. Fail. they only coming at 10.
1930-2030: Walk around taipei main station to find bboys
2030-2200: SESSIONSESSIONSESSION with Soulfresh crew
2200 - 2300: Journey back to taoyuan

Ok why we woke up at 1330 is because we were watching a movie yesterday until err 0530. Before that, we were reddening Xinfu's hair with Loreal hair dye. Too bad can't upload anything now :(

Finding the bboys were HARD. we heard that they were somewhere at Taoyuan main station. But what they didn't tell us was that its a 500m walk through an underpass to find them. Coupled with some twists and turns and promising discounts in stores along the way, we made it there. Didn't really ask many questions today, just good ol practice. And boy when was the last time I had something like that. Have the freedom and the time to experiment on anything I want to and take my time!

Looks like being in different environment affects your style. I'm learning and taking on a little of their style. My trick experimentation is more groundfreeze transition focussed. I'm more aware of my limbs and body in every movement. I work on hardening my body for the points it supposed to be, and flow out of it as gracefully as Roger Federer's forearm.

peace.

day 9

2011-06-13T00:31:00.002+08:00

Taoyuan, Taiwan

Maybe for the first time in my life on an overseas vacation trip, the feeling of weariness and difficulty of the trip entered my head. I knew that the 33 day journey was not going to be easy. First for the duration, and for the fact that we are stepping out of our comfort zones.

The past few days we've been breaking with Suicidal Break Crew (SBC) and Top Coalition. Tomorrow we may be breaking with HRC, I dono, cos the point of contact is in army -.-

We all should experience life outside Singapore. The day to day living, the knowledge and assimilation to citizenship. That's why we should travel. So we can see more pages to a book, so we can write more chapters of our own. Some of my opinions about the Singaporean scene is challenged somewhat by talking to the bboys there. Each, as it seems, has his own opinions of his own local bboys. It's fresh to realize that sometimes we think alike. And it's through this alikeness that, we know that we're different.

Hi, from Taiwan

2011-06-10T01:02:00.003+08:00

This is what is going on in my life currently, in terms of events.

33 DAY EXTRAVAGANZA!

Itinerary
5-15 June
Taiwan: Miaoli, Taipei, Taoyuan, Shanxia
Activities: Night market, Food trail, Taipei 101, Historical sites, Old town
Unexpected extras you bitches wont get: Super service, taxi driver who was a race car driver, FLEAROCK AND TOP COALITION, AMAZING GODSISTERS, university visits, watching the sun kiss the horizon on a public train racing along the shoreline, getting conned on taxi, TBA............

15June - 3 July
United States of America: Los Angeles, New York, Orlando
Activities: Rockerfeller center, Shooting firearms, Universal studios, Walt disney world, Shopping at factory outlets, Ken Swift masterclass, For Your Soul Jams
Unexpected extras you bitches don't get: TBA

3 July - 5 July
Flight back on China Southern Airlines

5July - 7July
Taiwan: Taizhong OR /Tainan region
Activities: TBA

extinguisher

2011-04-02T01:27:00.003+08:00

I took this pill December last year. It was a prescription for this thing called fear. The effects weren't immediate, but as time allows, as moments flow, as I grow, history follows, and the forthcoming results may requite something to mediate.

It was a fear of stepping out. The embarrassment of looking stupid. The hesitation of learning. The pretense of unwillingness to bring it on. The big lie is, it was all part of insecurity's plan to divert my attention and my energy away, to things more meaningless, cyclical and self-serving. In the end, it is a treadmill, something that feeds itself, something that tells me that there's always another time, not now.

But now I am beginning to feel that I need a fire extinguisher. Because the fire, though doused to a fraction of what it was supposed to be is growing. For more fear I faced in the past, I fed it to the fire to burn. I could start to feel the warm, vivifying blood stream through my arteries, I feel that I am starting to be alive. No more is positive emotion something I crave during lulls of boredom, no more is worry and doubt the bread I so forcefully ingested.

I'm still young, stupid, unknowing and learning. But everything I learn is now taken with new eyes. And the acquisition isn't complete because there's going to be many new eyes, but one constant lens through it focuses.

a 'normal' day

2011-01-24T16:09:00.002+08:00

After so long of no posting, I'm back with an update!

My blog won't die out, just because there aren't any post doesn't mean that I'm not blogging, just that, I've got nothing interesting to hilight which I think is worth a post on the blog.

Having said that, life has DEFINITELY NOT went stale and boring. In fact, it's quite the opposite.

It's fun treading into areas of uncertainty and chasing your passion, in a journey of discovery of culture, and self-discovery.

Anyway, I would go on to say how my first "normal" day in the past 2 and a half months has been. Almost everyday, I've been out, and almost everyday, I've been waking up at 12 noon. Normally I would wake at that time, eat 2 pieces of bread, have lunch at 2pm, then watch some tv, play some games or read some books until 6.30 when I have dinner, then go out at 7. BUT TODAY is different.

I woke up at 8am. It's the first time I saw a landscape at 8am ever since the last day of my trip in Australia (when I woke up 7.30 because the sun was up @ 5).

My dad woke me up to ask me something urgent. But I don't feel tired no more. Then, SHIT I forgot to brush teeth. So I went to surf the net and ate a 550 calorie breakfast (largest breakfast in 3 months) until 10am. But at 10, I feel tired, so I slept from 10 to 1145. Played a 2 games of dota till 1410, then went for lunch. I ate some awesome duck rice. After that at 1430, I went to break for slightly longer than an hour until 1535. At 1600, I went home to bathe. At 1610, I logged on to blogspot and at 1619, I wrote this word.

Later, I will go scape @ 1930 to break until maybe 2230. Basket, I've been breaking for a few straight days, ever since 3 and a half weeks ago, everything changed. But now, I'm quite tired, I'm not sure if I am going to take a nap, but very sure that there will be about 2 hours of exercise later.

recent dreams

2010-10-07T15:45:00.003+08:00

this has nothing to do with inception.

It has been going on for a while, about half a year. I was thinking before that, of where my dreams had went to. Before march, I had a period when I couldnt remember no dreams. But suddenly it came back. There are a lot of dreams, mostly strange ones.

But a number of them are of me missing my exams, oversleeping for my IB papers. Indeed, many of them are about missing exams. There is even one where I lost my glasses so I had problems seeing the question properly. There was one dream which depicts me getting confined by my course instructor in OCS, for not locking my locker.

For all these dreams I could trace back the grain of inspiration from which they blossomed. It is easy, but again, my be post-situational analysis, meaning that, could be anything.

Some dreams can be controlled. Sometimes these dreams were interrupted by the realization of the sheer impossibility. And from that point on, it became a lucid dream. I start to find ways to exit the dream, by putting myself in an 'agape' situation, such as jumping off the ship, sliding the car into the wall (i can't drive yet), and once jumping head-first into the ground. Half the time it works. It happens when I start to realize I'm dreaming, and when that happens it becomes daydreaming, and hence, it's easier to wake up.

In the cases when I wake up from these strangely wtf unpleasant dreams, I will gasp and breathe deeply, just to so called make sure I'm awake. Yes it sounds like inception when DiCaprio spins the top, but don't you see that it parallels a lot? Say, when waking up from a really horribly vivid dream, you touch yourself, and you make your senses acute so to gather a picture of your surroundings and correspond it to your last memory of it before you close your eyes to sleep?

Strange thing about dreams is that they are an alternate reality. I will not say it is not real because it is an inspired experience. Maybe the 'realness' of the dream is controlled by the exposition and development of the inspiration in our brains. Shit, there is too much to talk about. I shall stop about the real part here.

Back to the alternate reality thing. In the dream everything feels real to you. You have no idea that you are in one until you wake up. And once you do, you will throw all the feelings or so called knowledge you have in the dream out of the window. For the simple reason that it is a 'dream' and it is not real to you. But what if the dream is weaved through the interaction of character, subconsciousness, mental tendencies and inspiration? Isn't that very very real?

So instead of throwing dreams out of the window and laughing at the total ridiculousness of the dream you just had, why not take it out and reflect? It's very much like a book, which you are the author of, isn't it? What better if it is so raw and unpolished? Won't you see a facet of truth you would not see for the hours you are awake?

How about daydreaming?

Gosh there is so much to explore.

self-examination

2010-09-11T10:44:00.003+08:00

How do you get drive? I mean, some people are so driven, and so passionate about attaining, and achieving something. They can sustain that drive for a long period of time, I was thinking, how on earth do you get this kind of drive?

I'm feeling that it is great that I like what I'm doing, but it sucks that I have no overwhelming drive or motivation to continue with fervor. What the heck. Those who are described to be driven have a direction and a goal in their mind, that we all know. But thing is what drives them to continue this path?

Part of it is hunger. They are hungry for something they dreamed for a long time. Maybe it marries imagination with belief. If either one is missing, the drive will be short lived, extrinsically inspired and self-destructive.

So now I get it, I haven't much belief in myself because of my age. Any time these doubts come to my mind I would ignore it and shove it out, but I never addressed it. I never came to deal with the attitude and actions I should adopt because I have fallen so far behind. I am extremely contented to help the next generations, because I want them to end up better than I was, but for me, the little regard is contradicting the ingrown desire to succeed. Like a thorn at the side, like a sword with a scalding hilt.

I have little idea and motivation to achieve. Just the joy of doing what I love to do. To put simply, I don't really give a shit for what my level is compared to others, don't really care if I come out tops. Because I am trying to avoid disappointment, letdown of not fulfilling my dreams. In many ways, unwillingness to go through pain and periods of lows. Hence, I gave it up altogether to safeguard myself from the painful and degrading effects of the above.

Also, the loss of believe in myself for being able to push through. I have stopped for a long long time before I continued. A total of around 1 year and 3 months. For a long time, I tried to continue, even during NS, I tried, but no one would. I called for sessions but no one would turn up. Even I am not able to practice alone, like I do now. Sometimes, I practice 13 hours a week, but on the next week, 1 hour only. Because of this inconsistency, I could not improve properly, it was stagnation at its best. An improvement every practice, but I would forget those very improvements the next session. So it seems at that time, as if no matter how long I practiced I would remain the same. I started to lose inspiration, because I would not feel good if nothing new or fresh comes out every practice. At the same time, my some of my peers are practising a lot, and made great improvements, they caught up, and surpassed. That, is very demoralizing. Not the surpassing part, but the part where I cannot improve but they did. It makes me lose belief in my ability. Strangely, though I knew the cause of non-improvement is lack of practice, I lost that drive, and that belief in myself. Most of all, I lost belief that I could even keep up that basic discipline of consistent practise.

Some people break to impress. Some break because they love it. But if one don't want to impress but love it, is easier to improve, and more valid to be so. But may be too easily contented, and not have motivation to burst through.

for those who took the other route

2010-08-24T00:14:00.004+08:00

who will remember the echoes of stories never told?

"Welcome to the real world", she said to me
Condescendingly
Take a seat
Take your life
Plot it out in black and white
Well I never lived the dreams of the prom kings
And the drama queens
I'd like to think the best of me
Is still hiding
Up my sleeve

They love to tell you
Stay inside the lines
That something's better
On the other side

I wanna run through the halls of my high school
I wanna scream at the
Top of my lungs
I just found out there's no such thing as the real world
just a lie you've got to rise above

So the good boys and girls take the so called right track
Faded white hats
Grabbing credits
Maybe transfers
They read all the books but they can't find the answers
And all of our parents
They're getting older
I wonder if they've wished for anything better
While in their memories
Tiny tragedies

They love to tell you
Stay inside the lines
But something's better
On the other side

I wanna run through the halls of my high school
I wanna scream at the
Top of my lungs
I just found out there's no such thing as the real world
Just a lie you got to rise above

I am invincible (x3)
As long as I'm alive

I wanna run through the halls of my high school
I wanna scream at the
Top of my lungs
I just found out there's no such thing as the real world
Just a lie you've got to rise above

I just can't wait til my 10 year reunion
I'm gonna bust down the double doors
And when I stand on these tables before you
You will know what all this time was for
No Such Thing, John Mayer

You only have one life. Even if you believe in reincarnation, you could only remember this life.
Why be a slave of money and avarice when you have only one life to do so? If life is about affording a pleasue craft or a G5, then I'm pretty sorry for these are things which will die with you, which do not understand you, which are not the ones caring for you, which cannot replace and is not the lasting legacy one hopes to leave just before he goes. And when we look back at our lives to see what we made of it, it's such sorrow to try to escape the fact that much of it was for money.

egg

2010-08-22T15:19:00.004+08:00

2 melted teaspoons of Kraft jar cheese -.-
3 eggs
Few drops evaporated milk
1 tsp soya sauce
Butter and rice/canola/sunflower oil
High heat to low heat
Dash of black pepper zest

Cooking time: 1 min
Prep time: 5 min

Protein: 19g
Calories: 343
Calories from fat: 120 (100 from cooking oil and butter)

Yes, I know the picture looks like a pile of fluffed up yellow shit. But I've gotta take it with a phone camera. Forgive me please, show me mercy.

the conflict of choice

2010-07-24T02:49:00.002+08:00

For the many things which make us human, choice and the unpredictability of which is amongst those which make us distinguishable from machines. Free will, the gift of God, or if you do not believe in God, it is a nature bestowed upon us accidentally to choose freely what we want. Presaging disaster, depression, discontent and destruction is the cumulo-nimbus of the choice to love, give, take, learn, and many other decisions we make in our lives. It takes one so much to realize the amount of decisions we make every day, ranging from when to ignore the alarm clock, to when to pick up the fork and spoon, the very minute decisions that we overlook. Aside all these small decisions, there are more important ones, like university of choice, career path, even the choice to marry. Albeit the thousands of decisions which span the spectrum in the scale of importance, they are a tad dull, uninteresting, and irrelevant in most of our lives. After all, what is the power of choice if it is taken for granted? Or rather, the influence of the opposite when we never knew of the grass on the other side. A man never knew of defeat until he knows what it is to win.

Amongst the many struggles we adolescents go through is to break free from our parents. It is the power to have some control over your own life, which is absolutely needed and required when your age increases. Many of us complain when our parents do not allow us to do this or that. Many of us complain when people restrict our freedom and our ability to exercise free will. Wonder why so many complain of NS? "It's a waste of time" is the most common complaint. Wonder why so many complain of IB? It's the same comment, just that they don't feel it that hard because the sacrifice is less. But do you mean by free will and freedom when you cannot exercise it in times when free will is restricted? Just as a light shines brighter in the night than in the day, your freedom of choice is best exhibited when you are restricted in your ability to express it.

I am no blind patriot or anything like that. The greatest act of freedom and free will is exhibited in your heart and mind, an area so dodgy that few would be able to break. Your heart and mind is ultimately the places which you decide to do something, to learn something isnt it. Ultimately, it is self contradiction when one complains of the lack of freedom when he doesnt decide to make things happen for himself in his heart and mind in the first place. (ie. He complains of people restricting his freedom. This implies that he really yearns for freedom. However, the very act of complaint and doing nothing about it reduces him to an average, mediocre person because he did nothing to free himself from the trap he gave himself). The biggest prisons you put yourself into is not the physical prison. It is a mental prison, a self perpetuating cycle, a self fulfilling propecy that things are not going to change and the complaint from you that things should not be that way goes nowhere.

Jean-Dominique Bauby is an ELLE journalist, very rich, raking in tens of thousands till he got diagnosed with a lock-in syndrome. It is a condition which the patient is mentally and clinically stable, just that he cannot execute any voluntary movements, except for the blinking of his eyes. With only one eye blinking, the window of his soul, he wrote a book, penning down his imaginations embossing the power and freedom of the human mind.

Freedom and choice is ultimately something we want to have for ourselves. I am not talking about the more superficial things like clothes to wear and stuff. Its because they are the extrinsic motivations which will run out of fuel as long as the source of pleasure runs out. And it is very easy for these sources of motivations to run out. For example, not having enough money, for transport, clothes, food etc. These extrinsic motivations are in a way superficial because first: You cannot control them second: You cannot predict the certainty of them happening third: It controls your life in a certain way.

Intrinsic motivation is an inspiration which comes within you. It does not occur naturally, and you have to will yourself to be motivated intrinsically. It is the greatest and highest stage of freedom and exercise of choice for the simple fact that you control your own life. Taking value out of a very unpleasant situation should never be a restricting factor of growth. Being locked up in a cage should never be one's deterrent for learning. It is, again for the simple fact that, these things do not control your life, you do. The exercise of free will is the most powerful in places where free will and freedom is least expected, or when many other freedoms are restricted. However much they say, you always have a choice between EVERYTHING, because it is the most difficult for a person to steal your heart and mind. If you were to be like one of the mediocre people who resign and complain to their fate, you will forever be stuck in that trend, not just because the others put you in that position, but because you refuse to control your own life. And until the day you control your life, you will continue to let these things shape you the selfish and destructive way.

2010-06-13T05:51:00.000+08:00

that England vs USA match was quite an exciting

waiting for the bus oh it came already

always liked to live the early morning

but cant wake up

done nothing

2010-06-05T03:20:00.002+08:00

never would I let inconvenience hinder a correct and kind act. Because I've let one slip and paid a huge price. I would never know what could have been different. I would never be able to look into life in the eyes again.

those depressing times

2010-06-04T17:11:00.002+08:00

Im not exactly in a writing mood now, but to answer to this contradiction, I should just continue anyway.

Last year was a time when I averaged about a post a month for like 6-7 months isnt it. Because it wasn't easy to juggle a few things at the same time. If you know what I mean.

But I guess the most important thing is to be relentless and not give up. Hope, you could say, or maybe that strong will and love of life you force yourself to swallow. Each pill more bitter, but like medicine, makes you better after taking MANY doses. After all, how could I say that my life is more depressing than those who live in extreme poverty who cannot guarantee their next dawn? For those of us who felt that this current stage of life is a prison, how to compare to those who got wrongfully imprisoned for the things they did not do, rapes and murders they never committed? If an artist's imagination (which is so true, relevant, and excellent) would alleviate that pain and hopelessness you feel, you should watch this:

The Shawshank Redemption.

to all nothing-better-to-say people

2010-05-31T23:49:00.002+08:00

There are a few ways to deal with these, and how to react to them. I don't mean all critics, because criticism can be good. What I mean is you know, criticism for the sake of it. Or maybe, criticizing and commenting about the smallest fault.

1. Get pissed off

The most common reaction. After all, being challenged activates a part of yourself which springs up to defend your position. I term it inertia, but also, pride, or the need for security and certainty of one's fate (maybe a forseeable and predictable sequence of events moderated by many human mechanisms.

2. Fixer

A little more relevant, you actually spring up to try fix the problem. Either yourself, or the critics.

3. Personal tip.

No doubt one should at least listen to what others have to say. But when it comes to a point when they say that your shop's sign isn't as big as they wanted, or maybe your waistline has increased by an inch, or, if not, that you brush your teeth with Jack Daniels', you will realize that a lot of people have nothing better to say. They could and most likely are able to 1. end up in the exact same position 2. Do the same thing you did 3. hypocrites 4. or they just don't have the same background as you. After a while, listening to these guys become hearing, then it fades out to an unrecognizable sea of static.

From the 4 pointers I've stated, and the fact that irrelevant and stupid criticism becomes static, my personal tip is: DON'T CARE. LEPAK. LAY BACK. Which is something I'm quite known for anyway. But usually it's more than that. Because of the same 4 points, you can do the following: 1. Explain to them and help them understand your position 2. Hack care. 3. Laugh at them 4. Laugh at their comments 5. Write this memorable experience in a journal. OR, you can do all 5.

It shows a few things. On the good side, that you have that confidence and security to know yourself and know what you're doing. After all, does a rich person ever need to tell you that he's rich?

obviously

2010-05-22T17:58:00.004+08:00

Cases in point.

1.
Q: How's he?
A: He's nice.
Good impressions

Come on, who wants to give you a bad impression upon meeting? Obviously I will like to present myself well to a person I will be meeting. What's more, if the person is of importance, I would need to present myself better all the more! When on earth does a meeting like this take place:

Christienssen: Joe, this is Jill, and Jill, please meet my best friend Joe.
Jill: Hey Joe, nice to meet you cockface.
Joe: Morning Jill, you ugly short piece of shit.

We don't always trust people at first meeting. Some of us do not trust people easily. But in fact, my hypothesis is, that we trust people to be the type of people that we are far more than we actually are aware of. What I mean by "type of people" means that we usually paint a first impression of the person through his social circle and environment, if we have no idea of his social circle, we will tend to liken his personality to our social circle. If I met Jack dressed up in bling, hoodie, at the alley, I would not trust him much, for I would associate him to some street gang. Thing is, whether I want to distance myself away from him before our first exchange will not matter much once that icebreaker handshake and smile exchanges, and is enough for him to build some rapport.

After all, no one wants to be known as a cheater, liar, murderer, thief at first meeting right? What the hell. So let's not speak the obvious. Good impression is the first big step to earn trust, and, sometimes, make a not nice person look nice. This is a sort of prerequisite to fulfill observation #6.

2.
"How's life?"
Cliche
Hello. What do you reply to this? "ok", "good". Thing is, how does the asker respond to that? Normally ask this question to break ice, but it's not so effective after all when both parties are wondering "what's next?"

3.
Gossip
One-sided arguement
Realize the thing about bad-mouthing, and gossip, that they are kinda one-sided? It's always the bad stuff about the person, the same person over and over again? Thing is, why isn't the gossiper talking about himself/herself? What I mean is that the gossiper makes the victim sound so bad that there is no way any one on earth is gonna be like her, especially the gossiper. What makes him so sure that the victim isn't gossiping about the gossiper? And the victim, now gossiper is speaking as if he/she is immune to every bad thing the gossiper is.

What do you hear in a gossip? You will hear that the person is self-centered, obnoxious, childish, stingy, stupid, unfaithful. You would never hear a good thing about the person. It should be prevalent that one should never buy into one-sided arguments. So why listen to gossip if you know that: 1. The gossiper is equally vulnerable to every 'sin' the victim is capable of. 2. Gossips are often one-sided arguments 3. The gossiper has a vendetta against the victim, which already makes the source very unreliable 4. The gossiper is always blaming the victim, but never himself/herself for the unfortunate events that happens.

4.
Q: You are Jill just go together right? Why do you like her?
A: Because she is smart, caring, kind, generous...
Reasoning from the wrong place

Most of the time you don't like her BECAUSE she is smart, caring, kind or whatever. It's more like, you find reasons to like her after you like her, which means that the reasons you like her don't normally come from the reasons you say you like her. One could look at it this way: That reasoning doesnt always come from the head, but its the heart which commands the head to reason the way it wants it to. So most the time, it isn't exactly these reasons which make you 2 a couple. But to put it as simply and as truly, you just love the company of each other. Nothing new, though pretty obvious.

5. The attractive factor
"Looks don't matter, I'm looking for someone with a good character and personality"
It may not apply to people of older age, for they have became more mature and have evolved. But anyway, I may not be true. Heh. A friend of a friend said "Those guys who say that looks don't matter are bullshitting. If they are only going for character, they would have married old women." So why is it an obvious trend that many of our friends break up with pretty girls? And why is it a common observation that guys get together with ok looking or pretty girls?

You noticed that girl because she was kinda cute right? It's normal. It's first impression. It's a filtration system. The first thing you notice about a person is the looks. So that is when you decide whether to go for it or not. Simply put, it's the first filter. So how do you ascertain if the above quote is true for a person? 1. If he/she goes for one without good looks. 2. If he/she is blind. 3. They never met before. But is there a need to ascertain that anyway? As if it makes a difference. Just that, this statement may just be a charmer for those girls who listen and feel that this guy is really of come caliber and have a good charcter. Maybe.

So in conlcusion of this I would summarize that, it's impossible to tell one's character by just one meeting, and plus, there are too many girls. So a filtration system is needed. So sometimes the cute girl is 'my type' and we get along just fine.

6.
Q:"What brands do you like?"
A:"Zara, miumiu, Zegna.."
The Issue of Status
I came across this question in a friend's car. I found it a pretty dumb question as it is not aimed at taste, but at status. So I chose to act dumb and not answer properly. As I would expect, got my ass whoopped. Thing is, these guys, while they "know" about brands, they don't even know what are oxfords, buck-toed, tab, open collars (basic knowledge of office wear).

The question above, when asked in that fashion I was speaking about, is just asking for answers which name the most expensive brands one can LIST. So the more I list, the better my fashion sense, the better my status. What an invalid measure of status, and dress sense! Not bad, I wished the world worked like that for me, such that I just need to draw the outline of a nissan GTR to get my dream car! I would also just need to write "I have 1 million $ on a piece of paper" for myself to be a millionaire. COOL RIGHT?!

juicy

2010-05-20T23:19:00.002+08:00

gossipgirlgossip cant be that bad ba

an entry back in time

2010-05-10T19:22:00.001+08:00

This one was after MSTD. Im not sure when I wrote it or why I did it for. Maybe its for the OCS journal. But surely its the most heartfelt and sincere.

"21 Sept 09

How MSTD turned out to be

This 44 day journey started on 191830, when the gangway was lifting with us, standing at attention. Some were feeling a sense of dread, some others trying to hold back their tears, some others broke out to tears. I was thinking what this 44 days could do to me? I had progressed to this stage of training and all that's to do is to continue this training and see what is there in the program. I had a vague idea of MSTD, since it's not something that one can exactly narrate to one another. As the gangway swung about, I was estimating the amount of missiles which could come my way, preparing for the worst, no shore leave, no embarkation block leave. No, nothing at all. I could be said to be lucky to have only one confinement for my watertight integrity stunt, but that was not meant to be a compuslory portion of MSTD. Here I am back at wingline, getting liberty in less than 24 hours, but I know that my luck and SA which played to my side was not the point at all. The day I looked ahead in dread, was also the same day when I knew, in all measures, that these thoughts were completely hypocritical. After all, useless smoking that I am invincible, it's all in hour heads.

As the days went by, we went by the day following through motions. Sleeping will include staring at the silvery surface of another guy's bed and thinking of the happenings of the day. Things changed rapidly without time giving sufficient warning. Not long later, the learning journey came by. It was, I believe, a sincere effort by instructors probably not carried out too well in terms of reception and perception of its end result. Undoubtedly there was bias towards the predicted result, and perhaps scaled the optimism and cooperation between instructors and trainees. Pretty long later, this system was terminated for the simple reason that it did not work out.

Weeks later, we had another discussion right after we left Da Nang. It was about the value of the sword and how much the one bar will really mean to me at the end of it. I think that it was the discussion that was the defining one for me. It offered me a chance for change. Or rater, it reminded me that there it was still time to put some value into this officership. What turned out to be different was a change in the way I treated the rest of the course.

Things started change slowly for me. I started to take more pride in the things I do, put in more effort, put in more of myself and a little more dedication into it. Do something that I will not regret, something that will leave a mark in history. I pressed my uniform everyday even if it is neat. Effort crept into my life when I strived to be best MOW of lion division. Though there is no assessment yet, it was the drive , aim and effort which makes the journey worthwhile.

Not long later, MSTD ended. In a blink of an eye 44 days flashed past. As the third bar was buttoned on my shoulders, I was proud and glad that I did finally make an effort and put some pride in my training. I felt a sense of achievement, not because I finally got my third bar, but the fact that I did straighten up, that through these weeks, I understood more of officership and leadership. Maybe this is one thing I should learn from my buddy. To exert effort, and take pride in work, even if it is not something I would particularly like.

As I reached port, I tried to find the reason on why do I feel so contented. There were no compliments, there were no excellent results, there were no commendations. As I would expect, it was my dedication to my training, and the value I put in it which I am so contented with. It that I learnt something that I knew: the value of the end result is dictated by the value I put on it. It was a lesson which I am continuously learning in life. Perhaps I learnt it too well here. There need to be no one putting me through hard times for me for the glint of the sword to be a little bit brighter. There need to have no one pushing me constantly for the sword to be polished a little bit more. So much was placed in my hands that is up to my discretion to make a difference. There need to be no one keeping me at push up position under the sun for half an hour, with burnt hands, with real tears and blood for me to understand the hardship and difficulty of officership."

counterweight

2010-05-09T13:38:00.001+08:00

An elevator system is equipped with a counter weight, such that the motor would only need to create enough power to lift the load in the elevator.

surprised

2010-05-02T20:33:00.002+08:00

Yesterday, May day, was when I was surprised on a birthday remembrance, and was completely caught unaware. Even when I saw the cake from 30 meters I was asking "Whose birthday is it?", then i thought that it is not Edmund's, Song's, JT's, plus Xinfu's of one just past. It was only up till around 5 meters from the cake did I realize that I'm the jackass.

Thanks so much guys.

I was completely caught off guard.

And thanks again for remembering my birthday. Though just another day, it's another reason too :)

what a new impression

2010-05-01T15:54:00.004+08:00

you (in third person, not referring to anyone) remember everything that took place which is important but seemingly irrelevant

and will form a picture which is made of a million smithereens.

interrelated like pieces of a puzzle, or the countless zillion twinkles in the night sky.

The sky is dark before the dawn, and the right before was twilight. Clouds only illuminated by the moon will now become visible.

As the sun rises from the east and sets from the west, there will be times of day-round light, or total twilight.

Never look back in regret because we should never cry over spilt milk.

Be contented. These are never orders or advice.

But stepping stones, non-physical.

The thing is, many things don't stay the same.

The problem is, some would never change in contrast to the movement.

History is the unerasable past in mercy of the volatile pen.

History is the unerasable past in mercy of the volatile pen.

expending of energy

2010-04-18T01:51:00.002+08:00

Right now, currently, I need to sleep soon.

But it was only like last week during tennis and later on did it suddenly came as an epiphany of some sort, that I have a lot of energy waiting to be expended.

I love to expend energy.

Somehow instead of NS debilitating me, it made me a lot more energetic.

If I could stay this way for long, then I may still be lean at 60 years old.

Somehow, it came and struck me.

Though I am, most of the time, in a lazy, sedentary state, I cannot seem, right now, to suppress the urge of expending energy.

Energy.

Damn baby.

Today as I was walking from Cavenagh bridge to The Cathay, I suddenly broke into a run at SMU, running up fort canning, and down through park mall to The Cathay. Walking fast is just not enough.

I was once very lazy to do any shit. Including, picking up a pen, shifting my bag, get clothes from waldrobe (I planned my journey around the house such that I can get everything at one go), going to the toilet. But suddenly, I feel like spending all the unspent, accumulated, about to be stored as fat energy within my arteries.

And finally, I would really want to congratulate ACS(I) Dance Venia for winning the DANCEWORKS 2010! It was energetic and exciting seeing you dance, and most of all, you did yourselves, your legacies, and all ACSians proud :)

the good year

2010-03-27T02:45:00.002+08:00

I will have to be at PS in roughly 10 hours' time. But damn. I need to capitalize on an inspiration picked up on facebook.

Why did I suddenly talk about this is that when I was lookin at some photos on facebook just a while ago, someone did a collate about his 2009 year, on how good a year it was. And I scanned through the photos, but could not detect the faintest of unhappiness in any of them. All smiles and laughter, hugs and tugs. So that flashed me back for a shortest flash the same thing which happened for 3 years running. Drinking and reviewing the year. It was in 2007 when I first did that. But came to look at it from a different perspective. And that's what I'm talkin about.

It reaches a certain point of time when just as you make resolutions for the new year, you look back at the past year and review it. It is all in us to not have excellent memories right, so we tend to remember prominent events. But in light of the scale, time, and impact of certain events, we tend to take a certain bias towards the desired outcomes, and adopt a generally negative POV when things do not turn out the way they 'ought to'. So when enough of things which do not turn up the way it ought to happens, the situation becomes more and more sour.

So what happens if enough sour things accumulate throughout the year? We will have to feel sad, dejected, a little remorseful, experience several counts of rejection, take some doses of disappointment, trip on some hurtful uncontrollable rage, and once a in blue moon, feel very green. Maybe not all of these, but definitely some of these. Bad experiences, wrong decisions, regrets, yea. And if we make enough bad decisions, and go through enough bad experiences, it will be an unpleasant year for us.

But true as it is, we are tended to generalize unpleasant experiences to be bad for us. Hence, we call these kind of years, bad years. Several exchanges I had with many of my friends reveal things like "broke up with boyfriend", "relationship disasters", "bad results", "fought with my dad the first time", "did not enjoy my holidays", "wasted time doing nothing" to be the reasons for why they call these years the bad years.

But the problem with this outlook is not that the person is pessimistic. It is the outlook, and the perspective. The perspective I mean will be to classify pleasant experiences, to be 'good', and unpleasant ones to be 'bad'. I won't say it's wrong entirely. It is very natural to adopt this POV because why one arrives at this classification is because of his emotions giving him enough warning to safeguard himself from going through pain again, hence sets up a barrier and a label to those things which lead to the unpleasant situation. Such that when they arise, the person will respond immediately to prevent further hurt (wonder why a certain sequence of seemingly unrelated events make you feel like deja-vu?). So it's the good-bad rule which we have within ourselves and many other traits and tendencies (something which classifies most things to either good or bad. For simplicity's sake and for self-defence's sake) which tend to be quick to judge, and sometimes unforgiving towards adopting a different perspective. So when something unpleasant happens to us, it is classified to be a 'bad' thing, both because of our experience, and to prevent further hurt in the future.

The paradox with this self-defence mechanism (SDM) lies not in its perception of the past, nor the purpose of its existence to safeguard our future by preventing more unpleasant things from occuring, but it lies in the alteration it makes towards our perception, such that we are not concerned with things that we could do and change within our powers, but more concerned with things we should not arrive at, and the hurt that it will deal henceforth. It is the endpoint-cautious and gut-triggered tendency of SDMs which, when overlooked, causes one to repeat the same mistakes, and sometimes, causes one to be paranoid, unreasonable, and pessimistic, and most the time, helpless.

Let's take this out for a spin. John went bankrupt last year, and he was reviewing his year to be a bad year. Why is it a bad year? Because he lost all his cash, and his pride to the bank. So is that bad? Hell yeah, it's like losing your freedom and your face, a large part of any man. Definitely a very unpleasant experience. That is definitely a bad experience.

For most, the story will end here. 2009 was a bad year for John. This is because he had a hell of an experience being bankrupt, and it really hurt him a lot, materialistically and emotionally. Why is it bad? This is because he had a hell of an experience being bankrupt, and it really hurt him a lot, materialistically and emotionally. Yes I mentioned the same thing. His gut was on high alert, reminding him of the scale of this unpleasant event, embedding it in his head so deep so to prevent him from being in that state again (imagine if we had no emotions, there will be thousands of bankrupts man. But catch is, when you get declared bankrupt, you don't feel anything. But the banks, if they feel something, will be damn pissed at you, probably hire the mafia). So whenever he recalls this event he will be reminded of the mishaps and probably the process which led to the mishaps. Even if he had found out the reason, what is the chance he will change the label the call it an "enlightening" experience? What is the chance that when someone mentioned about his bankruptcy, he will not go "would you mind if we stop talking about it please?"

Although our SDMs are here to prevent further injury, they could cause a fixated and concrete opinion and perception towards certain issues. One thing they could prevent is the takeaway of learning value from the worst of situations. We would rather avoid the entire thing, than the learn the reasons which caused the unpleasant shit to occur. We would rather shun it than to try extract as much learning value from it. Learning value which makes you a stronger person, learning value which could prevent further mishap, for you or anyone around you.

The good-bad rule is an excellent SDM. Without it, we will take very long to consider repeat situations, and fall into many more traps, mishaps than we should if we have them. While it is totally fine to label some experiences bad, let us not focus solely on the experience, but the other things which come with the process of the situation. Let us look at the learning values, the bad decisions and the rationale, state of mind when making those decisions. Let us look at the ways we can systematically prevent damage in the future, first, by removing the 'bad' label. Second, by looking at the process and development, rather than the emotional experience and how it made you feel. Let us be wary of why we feel certain ways. Why are we trying to achieve when you remember an unpleasant experience?

It is not so much of thinking, philosophy, or psychology. But perhaps some people's fingers are itchy so would need themselves to type out an essay for some mini analysis (there are more factors contributing to this, but this is just a few written here). What it takes is for one to adopt a different point of view. Instead of calling 2009 a bad year because you failed your exams, broke up with boyfriend, and totaled your Nissan GTR, remove the 'bad' from the year, and look at how these things have aimed to benefit you in the future. Don't just focus on how we feel, but think of how much we can take away. Let's not just look at how much we have lost, but how much we have gained.

So instead of continue calling all your past years which you have labelled 'bad years', look at them again and extract all the learning values from them. Look at how these unpleasant experiences can continue to help you, instead of how they had damaged you. Look at how all these shit had made you a better person. With this knowledge, think of how you can prevent others from going through the same bad experience you just had.

The good thing is this about emotions, especially when intense, is to prevent you from putting yourself in danger, or through something unpleasant (in short, BAD). The strange thing is that while feeling and experiencing intense emotions are meant to defend us, we are distracted by them and forego the actual learning values behind the defense, hence, not build a strong enough defensive wall. Sometimes it could be self-defeating. A weak defensive wall made of straw is easily burnt away, that's because someone forgot to claim the clay.

motivation

2010-03-12T22:59:00.002+08:00

I can't spare two words to elaborate on any of the vast knowledge gained in the recent months :(

sorry guys.

But learnt so much on patterns, teen behavior, or maybe "the dumbest generation", counseling, blablabla...

observant

2010-03-04T18:06:00.003+08:00

Spend a moment down the streets and you could learn much. Study the walking, sitting, talking styles of different people, used in different contexts, which makes them repulsive, attractive, comfortable, or sexless.

Look at the way that pair talks, understand why laughs and fun does not equate to a strong and loving relationship. Look at older couple strolling, both turning and stopping together without another's bidding. Check out that couple in the shop, you could tell when the wife's interested while the husband is not, and detect that small gesture before they leave the store, or check the bill.

Sorry guys and girls if you feel your modesty was outraged. What's that tug in your heart the way that lady walks? What causes you to skip a beat when you see that lad stand against the traffic lamp? What contributes to her high head-turn rate, the way she moves? How did he dress to draw sheeps' eyes from the shy girls?

And probably the best part is, that you don't have to be a pro to take in your surroundings. It's a long journey of learning, and you can make your own conclusions. Then test the hypotheses on yourself and others, that's the really fun part.

2010-02-16T03:22:00.001+08:00

"You can be mad as a mad dog at the way things went, you can swear and curse fate, but when it comes to the end, you have to let go."

2010-02-14T19:36:00.002+08:00

"For what it's worth: it's never too late or, in my case, too early to be whoever you want to be. There's no time limit, stop whenever you want. You can change or stay the same, there are no rules to this thing. We can make the best or the worst of it. I hope you make the best of it. And I hope you see things that startle you. I hope you feel things you never felt before. I hope you meet people with a different point of view. I hope you live a life you're proud of. If you find that you're not, I hope you have the strength to start all over again."

social responsibility

2010-01-27T00:35:00.002+08:00

Ignorance is caused by convenience

convenience causes disappointment

disappointment cultivates distrust.

So if there were to be so much distrust, it must have stemmed from a selfish convenience.

So if there were to be little trust, from a lot of trust, that ignorance must have stemmed from a blind, irresponsible, or shockingly inknowledgable person.

unopen doors

2010-01-14T23:43:00.002+08:00

A walk down the tunnel of esplanade is enough to awaken me to realize this: that we have been missing out millions of opportunities, events, meetings, encounters as we pass our daily lives. So many a time we never get to experience something new, learn something out of the ordinary, because we do things the very ordinary, very normal way.

year four

2010-01-10T23:26:00.002+08:00

It was in 2005 when I posted in this blog about a visitation to an old lady's house. She was then eighty something, husband wheelchair-bound, living only with him. That was a terrace house, a little bit dilapidated on the outside, but turns out to be ok on the inside. She was collecting cans, masses of them, for a living. Each trash bag of empty cans sells for $10, and that's all she did to pay for her husband's medical bills.

Fours years later I passed by the same house, realizing that I visited that place before, I took steps back to take a look. I saw that same old lady's silhouette, as she was crossing the road, background are car lights. "Hey ma'am, ma'am -runs to her-" she is now at her gate "I visited you 4 years ago, do you remember me?" Of course I don't think she did.

Anyway, after that visitation, I continue walking the private estate, and this house stopped me in its tracks. It was of modern design, beautiful, not the most expensive, but still, potent. They are semi-Ds. One has an E-class, another is a Lexus. Ambient lights, fountains, incandescent lights, aircon, stone walls, marble floors.

So it occured to me: In life we may happen to run too fast to forget and not catch many things happening around us. We are too engrossed with our dreams, targets, aims and goals that we don't stop to look at people in need of a helping hand. It could have been our greatest aims to earn our first million, but there are people dropping by along the way whose babies can't make their first year, people who never know if they can see the sun rise again.

So slow down, slow down down down.

a silent period

2010-01-10T12:42:00.004+08:00

It may be normal and predictable that during NS, one writes less, becomes less vocal, and thinks less. True it may be, but the activities of one's mind is completely up to the will of one to activate. External influence give the avenues and opportunities for thought, but it's up to the individual to find things to debate, to learn, to reflect, and to be curious about.

Hence the fact that only about 3 posts came out the past one year, to me, is something worth investigating. One of my instructors told me this: If you were to take back one thing you could learn after every event, it may not be a lot per event, but if you do this for 5 years, 10 years, you would have learnt a lot.

So, I will for every day, record something in my notes that I had learnt from daily observation, or from an event, incident, or accident. Very good.

So let's start with the very first that I could think of:

1. Drinking Nescafe original coffee to start a day after adequate sleep puts me on crack. It should be the same for other forms of caffeine. Although it's wide knowledge that caffeine activates the nervous system, and hence, puts you on crack, why is it that I feel the effects so greatly in this morning? Maybe: 1. This morning, unlike the entire week's I feel the most awake. Other mornings are draggy and slow, hence I felt the difference. 2. Got enough sleep 3. The day started off interesting anyway.

Maybe now I have something to say :)

The new year

2010-01-05T15:10:00.002+08:00

And you ask me what I want this year
And I try to make this kind and clear
Just a chance that maybe we'll find better days
Cause I don't need boxes wrapped in strings
And desire and love and empty things
Just a chance that maybe we'll find better days

So take these words
And sing out loud
Cause everyone is forgiven now
Cause tonight's the night the world begins again

And it's someplace simple where we could live
And something only you can give
And thats faith and trust and peace while we're alive
And the one poor child that saved this world
And there's 10 million more who probably could
If we all just stopped and said a prayer for them

So take these words
And sing out loud
Cause everyone is forgiven now
Cause tonight's the night the world begins again

I wish everyone was loved tonight
And somehow stop this endless fight
Just a chance that maybe we'll find better days

So take these words
And sing out loud
Cuz everyone is forgiven now
Cuz tonight's the night the world begins again
Cuz tonight's the night the world begins again

Better Days
Goo Goo Dolls
Let love in

pride

2009-10-18T17:45:00.003+08:00

It had been months since when I could type a full blog post properly. Everytime I would come to blogger.com, get stuck there, or log in, write a few words, and get stuck there. As I'm typing now I hope that this does not repeat itself once again, and I don't think it would. Because this pretty pertinent topic had been a extremely relevant for me for much of this year.

It goes without saying that my entry to OCS was met with little enthusiasm. As I had mentioned thousands of times, I was asking myself what on earth I was doing there at that time. I wanted no part in running up and down the hill, I wanted no part in rolling up and down in the mud. Not long later I was transfer to midshipman wing, which is the training wing for naval officers, much to my delight. Surely I never expected life to be fun or slack. In fact it is quite the opposite from slack and slothful, swarmed with tons assignments which we dwelled through the A.Ms to do. I was happy to be here as it taught me so much, but the sense of belonging was not here with me. Not many could say that anyway.

It comes hard to live this time without drive. Taking no pride in the work you do is especially torturous. Taking no pride in yourself is debilitating, living through the motions, lazing your liberty and book out time away sleeping at home, lacking drive to get out of bed, go to church, and engage in activities you want to do is ironically enervating.

This drive is something completely independent of its environment. Regardless whether you earn that prestigious sword, whether or not I am in this prestigious institution did not mean much to me. It does not factor the fact that I am going to earn a sword. The drive is something that comes out of myself, something I value, something I make treasure to myself, which is important. And it's in the word: pride.

The pride I mention will not be synonymous to arrogance, though it could cause arrogance to sprout under certain situation and contexts. Pride is the value one puts into something, resulting a certain drive to work hard to achieve something. It is the main driving force behind champions, behind high-flyers who truly believe that they can achieve, and are proud of their achievements, goals, and aims.

It is certainly a great part of me through this period. Dance mattered to me more a lot, and it is the thing which I find most pride and value in, it is something I am proud to have achieved, it is a place where I am proud to have ventured to, and which taught me too much in the span of a few years which flew by. What an excellent prediction it was to feel that bboying would be the thing which will tax me the most mentally and emotionally we approach the end of school. Deciding on which would be the most emotionally taxing thing I had faced, for it is not something which you could just decide in the spur of the moment, it is not something which one could commit to easily, and it really requires a lot of your time and commitment. It is something which I will remember in many years to come, and it only would have been better if I would truly have expounded my potential and ventured a little further into the more unfamiliar.

Pride. The value which comes out of oneself, created for something valuable to him. I realized it had become so important ever since NS started. It gives life more meaning, other than living through the motions, passing day after day doing nothing and going through the motions again. Give yourself something to be proud of, something to chase and look back in time in satisfaction.

Annual Reviews

2009-10-02T16:32:00.003+08:00

What is the use of changing names, setting aims, reviewing goals

ok i have to rest for sunrise tomorrow...

juniors

2009-09-27T03:39:00.003+08:00

once in a while we will come to think.. why do we blog?

why do I blog? where were the thousand word papers, thoughts, memorandums?

Maybe there is no need for them anymore. As time passes, at some point of time last year I think, came a breaking wave which made me keep to myself, and since then, silence ruled.

before 6 weeks, before foa

2009-08-07T02:26:00.000+08:00

With slipping of only 15 hours away, I think its due time to write a post, about dance, juniors and FOA.

It's a funny sense of responsibility I feel towards dance venia, for whatever reason, the CCA had been very important to me. Today is FOA, but I would not have a chance to see it, alike the few times in my life when we just have to miss chances and opportunities due to other responsibilities at hand. Looking back as someone who had done this before, I really hoped to help as much as I did for this all important showcase.

Relive the moment when I was a year 6 going through FOA. Weeks of practice zoom by at light speed and without knowing, it is FOA. And as time spares no man, it's all over. The nostalgia, loss, and sadness I feel when walking back from the dance studio through astroturf, to the bus stop (not holland V), and waking up the next day, is extremely heavy. It is like being a guide since I had been there before, what could I do other than imparting my 2 cents worth?

Dance is a the form of art when the performer is never allowed to show the pain he or she is going through, or to expose even a little bit of weakness in mastery, and yet run the ever present chance of not being appreciated by the audience. It is the art form which is always under-emphasized, overlooked, and ignored. But like it or not, it is the expression, an amalgam of human's hardwired ability to think and feel, longing to express, and tendency to move. No one hates the art of dance, because all of us are involved in it in one way or another. With that being said, what is the significance of dance? It is that it is the international language which requires no dictionary to interpret. It is that it's a cross-cultural language which does not exonerate any one of his abilities to learn this art form. It is the device which can bring down all barriers between man, the social lubricant, the ice breaker.

I hope for all those guys and girls who are doing it this year in the CPA, to do it with all their hearts dedicated to it, no matter how simple, easy, technical the steps are. For those year 5s, an experience which we year 7s never had. For the year 6s, it's about time for them to feel the same as their seniors. What I had learnt through dance is that it is not so much as to how damn good you are, but the pride which pervades from the eyes and the heart of the dancer which makes it special for him and the audience. So for all who are to perform, let that happiness, presence, pride, enjoyment beam from your eyes as you take the centerstage, and focus not on the steps, but on the joy and prestige of dance.

Why the hell does it look like I am philosophizing about dance? It's because it took me a long time to be able to grasp the complexity of this art form. My complicated and varied adventures with dance taught me so much, and as students, we always continue to learn.

embarkation

2009-08-06T00:41:00.001+08:00

6 weeks of deployment will definitely be, not that close to 1 BMT. In fact 66% of 1x BMT.

Looking forward to it, challenges that will come my way.

every man

2009-07-19T01:48:00.002+08:00

So what does it take to truly say that you have cared for your friend? Again and again we have realized that we have failed to live up to the prime examples we beheld, coming short of expectations we have for ourselves as pals of your contemporaries.

This is a statement hilighting my hypocrisy.

I have never cared for my friends for a very long time. Ever since... man thats so long ago. Months of solicity, bla bla bla.

I have constantly tested them.

I have constantly failed to tell them my most honest feelings.

I have constantly failed to give them true advice.

I have constantly failed to be available for them when they needed someone.

I have constantly enforced radio silence so to not get into their sticky matters.

I have constantly assumed things would fix themselves so I could have some rest.

I have constantly failed to enquire for their souls.

I have constantly failed to account for their actions.

I had not really cared, and in fact do not really care for anything at all. How come had I suddenly become this? Maybe this requires some mental strength for me to think and remain on track, to even show basic care for others even if I am irritated, ignored, angry, horribly tired, disoriented, dispersed, disintegrated.

Damn, this will not do good. This will not.

I found out that faith, hope and love do last forever

2009-07-05T00:52:00.005+08:00

The problem of losing hope is the sure dope to one's journey. Jesus said that there are three things that will last forever: Faith, Hope and Love. How true is this statement. They are the three which keeps people going through the rough times as they will bear in heart that there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

It all started with something called unaccountability. It is about committing myself to something of which I know I had not the capacity nor the will to handle. That was the first mistake, though I truly do want, at that time, to be the one I volunteered to be, I had a feeling that something is not going to be right. It was true. Be it diffidence, be it complex, be it my diamond-faceted brain, it was true as I predicted to be.

Then it came hypocrisy. No one has any idea how much hypocrisy can kill until he is the victim of one. What I'm saying is not merely double standards. It's the fact that one does not act out what he say to his convenience. It is when one says stuff for he sake of saying, or says it because it was expected of them, to be proper individuals and hence, politically correct. It is when you befriend someone for a motive, it is when you say something which affects another's soul for the sake of sounding correct, but in fact, you do not act out or believe what you say. Hypocrisy is widespread. One does not need to be in a position of responsibility to see the double-standards, it is even rampant amongst friends. How many times we said we would be best friends and 'there for each other', but in fact just shrug off our friends' problems by saying the magic words 'I will pray for you'? It is something which I saw destroy a once strong and fiery warrior of God. No matter how much I tried to help, it completely futile. One has no idea on how much his hypocrisy can bring down his friend, acquaintance, or partner.

Next in line is the issue of trust. Trust is something I really believe in, in which I mean I put little trust in people around me generally, because I believe that trust is to be built. I seldom reveal stuff to people unless they got my utmost trust. Though I can let bygones be bygones rather easily, the trust which once were, and was broken will take few times the time it took to be built. Having read books which tackle the issue of trust, having witnessed people around me breaking each other's trust, it destroys the prospect of faith in our lives.

And plus, with the spin generated by the fear of failure, it is a downward spiral. Never again did I put a fraction of trust in another person ever since my wrecked first shot. Never again did I believe what anyone says after witnessing so much empty talk. We start to lose faith in each other, in terms of what each other says, believes, and more pertinently, our faith in trust. Problem is that we are all human and are vulnerable to lying and cheating. But trust as it is, is like a black stain on a white sheet. A few dots won't make a difference. Many grey dots mar the paper. And the stains are hard to remove.

I had always believed in human's good side. It's my philosophy that we humans are weak, and it's easy to think that way. It's easy to look at the bad side of humans, but what matters is to look at what the can be, have faith that they can be better people. Hope in what difference love can do to a person, hope in what the presence of God in one can change him. As you would predict, hope is lost also. How many proclaim to be christians but there was no God in them? How many do I see say 2 different things in church and outside? How many strong christians do I predict will fall within 1 year and in fact did? It is not hard to predict, and that is the seriousness of double-faced hypocrisy.

That explains my behavior sometimes. I make satirical comments, I set traps for people to fall inside, I test people and I have a knack of escape. This is to be a living satire of the world's undesirables. Not like I'm damn pro or that everyone will listen to me, but that I twisted myself and felt the pain in the joint, it is certainly painful to be mangled here and there.

However, albeit my satirical antics, sarcastic maneuvers, unexplained social tests, I believe that all these problems are made by man and attributed to our shortcomings and ignorance to help others, love God, and help ourselves. But it batters me when one by one, people fall around me, dissolve into sand, and was a shadow of who they once were. And it comes to the point when I am at crossroads everyday, every hour in my life. I said before in fireac, does your strength in God as a christian rely on him or on your social circle? What if one day you realize all your leaders were to fall from grace, would you hold fast to God and find out why, or will you follow your leaders and lose faith immediately? That was what I said then, and I still believe in it now. Now that I have witnessed it, I say this: it is too hard to think.

Friends as I know are bonded in common ground. Especially guys. Girls are a little more dynamic and flexible, as it's easier to find common emotional ground (oh yes, that's how they get bitchfights and gossip too, oh yes again, another bonding tool for gurls). Guys, on the other hand, are less willing to talk on the emotional side, cos firstly, they are simply not as emotional as girls, but more importantly, I feel that the masculine side always steps in and say "hey take it like a man dude". With the loss of friends comes to a place where I know not where to go. I am not interested in meeting people here and there. I have 548 friends on facebook. But what's the use of the tally? It means nothing to me, it's just a measure at least of how many times I've said 'hi' in my 19 years, which is certainly many more than 548. New people come to add me, new people I add, but it amounts to nothing when not one is interested in your soul.

The problem now is not the lack of contacts. In this age, it's all overflow. Our minds, our attention, and our needs are so many that they are spread thinner than silk. We have no real confidante, we lack real tight friends we actually need, we lack core values which we thought were too traditional. We do not really care about one another. As I said so many times before, there are too many things and people in my life who are not Terribly Important People (TIP) to me. Perhaps my ignorance had finally found its price. Or maybe its because everyone is naturally drifting.

My last few posts were about friendship. Or maybe at least half of them. But why is it? Because I know that it's something not fully understood by all of us. Because I am starting to find out more about people. It's because I finally realized that I am extremely dependent on friends, not the no-need-friends-also-can-survive type. Though possessing mental strength like steel, it could not hold up to the coming of a tide which washes all away. The closest of which now do not understand my language. We few are still relatively close as a bunch, but sometimes to comes to a period where I'm speaking in foreign language. This will be another time when I look at the sky and with hope say 'no one knows me'.

I feel that I am slipping to a slope of depression. It is when one loses hope of everything becoming good again, it's when one lose faith on everything ever to be self-righted. It is when one does not register love. It is when I actually lose all motivation on tasks at hand. I lost all drive to complete anything I started, anything given to me, anything I was tasked to do. I have no intention to excel, to try, or to work and fight for things which once use to start my engines. Not only do the loss of faith, hope and love affect my spirit, it affects every other part of me. Though we be isolated and insulated like a lonely nation, all we need is a note from any lullaby of love to lighten and liven our spirits, to let loose our hopelessness, to give us faith and trust, to show me that there is a light at the end of the tunnel again.

Though it may be the end of school, though it may be a time when I do not see anyone for 5.5 days a week, though there will be 6 weeks when I can't contact anyone, though I am isolated from this world, I would not want to believe that I will lose all who I held close. Not please.

the cliffhanger

2009-06-21T17:29:00.002+08:00

Must stop facing the fear of losing hope and losing faith in us all as we are all merely humans. In this race this place this circuit faith is all important but hypocrisy kills the soul.

Hypocrisy, the self, egoism all these who kill the bearer of faith and love in everyone around him. How could this turn a person inside out to this state from who he was a year ago? Can no one see how the knife of hypocrisy stabs the heart and changes him ever so much from white to black?

The fall of one will affect another no matter how remote in relation they are from each other. There stands no wall to distinct each of us from recognizing a corpse of a former self, or is there a blindfold to stop us from seeing a shadow without the person, walking down the alley.

The loss of hope is the first step to fall. The loss of faith is when we all think we are going to be destroyed and so starts a chain of downhill rolling when we regret what we should not and see what we do not, feel what we ought not, lose what we should not. The sky which remains bright everyday with the guidance of God is only blurred, overcast and darkened with the smog and smoke we want to make. The problem is when do we know the guide to come. When would we come to understand what we cannot, as there are indeed many things that do not have a reason.

swayness to the max to super evader

2009-05-23T17:30:00.004+08:00

In the past week, I was confined for many things: not cutting nails despite promising to cut, not standardizing bag arrangement, not tucking in shirt, staffwork error and not polishing the bell. That was week 8 for me, getting missiles from everywhere for doing the wrong things and getting caught. That amounted to this: one more punishment for week 9 and i will be confined again.

This week is different. My punishment for sleeping at the wrong time was pending. A wrong-strength report which involved the wing still under investigation. During COMEX, I piloted the boat in between 2 enemy boats 150 yards apart without taking hits, evaded punishment by almost falling in late.

the end of school

2009-05-10T00:36:00.002+08:00

Some would never expect the most dedicated, inspired, and driven to ever give up their sport. A new life after the phase of schooling plunges us to this world of uncertainty. We struggle to grab hold to something in a pool of endless waters, we choke and gulp for air and kisses, the new kingdom and just another miss.

Every part seems to be coming together, but something seems to be lacking. I start to wonder whether is it liberty refracting our lust for freedom, or is it confinement which somehow or rather affected us in a strange, unexplainable way?

The prospect of giving up, or failing when least expected chills my nerves. How could it practicably be possible? Faith in believe in is amongst the central needs which keeps a person together. And I'm not even talking about God.

Out of the grasps of an authority which brings us familiar people under a curriculum for 12 years, we reach a point where we all separate. Autumn falls like colors of dawn, accompanied with the rain of leaves which were once attached to the same tree.

week 4

2009-04-19T12:32:00.002+08:00

I would like to finish a book, a gradual accumulation of life and experiences. It would be so interesting, so intriguing, if I were to look back one day in my fifties.

I don't know why the hell am I typing this.

34 weeks to go. 34 weeks of mental training, grinding left. I like. I like torture in the mind. It's really fun. Yesterday we did area cleaning FOUR times before booking out. First inspection started at 1130, but we booked out at 1510.

Is this the only thing in my mind now? I feel as if I've been drained of life and vigor. I need to vivify myself. Water from a spurting spring, which used to form a rainbow, now rains and slaps the grey ground.

3weeks

2009-04-11T11:38:00.004+08:00

I was there for 3 weeks in Foxtrot. Amazing company.

Sorry for security reasons I should not say any more about my first 2 weeks inside.

After my first 2 weeks, I got posted to Midshipman Wing. I'm in the NAVY! I just thought of how small a chance one gets to go navy. Only 5% make it to navy and commission. Dropout rate is high due to training. And if only 10% make it to OCS, naval officers make 0.5% of the cohort.

I can't say anything much because of possible security breaches. Must watch evrything I blog that I reveal any sensitive information about SAF. Except the first 2 paragraphs, all info is officially provided.

Initially it was really damn sian. It's not that my bunkmate is very boring or what not, but u don't get the kick and craze with many others. It is also a whole new environment. That was the first week understandably.

My first week in navy was tiring. We have to learn much and that means less sleep. A lot of training following up la, 35 weeks to go. All the way :)

At least now I'm motivated. I felt no sense of belonging, eliteness nor elevation when I entered OCS. What the hell, it isn't that hard given my physical aspects. But now I feel a sense of belonging to the navy, though it's too early to say. One main factor is because I was once from NCC(Sea). It's definitely fulfilling to back to the sea again.

one bar

2009-03-22T03:03:00.003+08:00

Last night was a bomb. Forgot vodka absorbs slower than alcohol. So I got myself drunk -.- lucky no hangover. Everythings over on the day itself. IT SUCKS TO BE DRUNK OK. Compared to my first time getting drunk, this is far alot more liquor. It's alike water parading Baron's extra strong, and drinking glasses of kahlua and smirnoffs. Sounds quite little. Actually I think alcohol is accelerated through accelerated speech. Whatever... I am not spouting nonsense last night.

Normally one would feel a great sense of pride and achievement, or maybe looking forward to OCS. Not for me. I would prefer SISPEC.

But more significant than this air of uncertainty is the undercurrent of dread. Unsure of what's in store for me, unprepared for the saikang that's going to come my way in 9 months. I would consider tranferring over to SISPEC. But I shall see how the 3 week confinement period is. I would reflect on how much I will learn and mature out of this phase.

The same ocean of uncertainty and splash of dread awaited me before my enlistment, before being flushed with confidence and assuredness (that I will take BMT in my stride without a hitch) on the day of enlistment itself. It went well. BMT was easy. Smoke it and take it in stride. Now OCS. It's not the masculinity which forms an anti-drop-out shield which I'm concerned. But what occupies my mind is my ability to even want to put up with the physical and mental torture. I don't mind torture, sometimes I welcome it. In fact, I chose OCS over SISPEC not because of preferance, but for the mental and physical development it will put me through. It's very interesting. Seldom would I have a chance to torture myself again. Another toast for the new year. One so far for completing 2.4 well under 10, now another for my OCS adventure. Hopefully, another toast for being commissioned as one bar.

And also for a study to see why we change so much in leadership positions: the situational influences, the dispositional make-up of our character, the all-too-powerful influence of anonymity and power.

And all to you my friends, who already called me sir, you guys give the extra push to tell me that I should go on and finish the course instead.

Training begins in 27 hours time.

2nd enlistment

2009-03-20T12:20:00.002+08:00

Results coming out as I tried to log in for the 7th time or something.

I hope it would be SISPEC. Please dont give me OCS.

not ocs

SISPECSISPEC PLEASE.

So during this intense moment I should abbreviate SISPEC.

BITCH

I KENA OCS.

NOOOOOO.

whatever. just tank it la. though this be against my will i prayed for it and here it is :) so take it well yh ;)

Good Lord.

peace :)

tests part 2

2009-03-18T17:03:00.004+08:00

Took some at blogthings. Most of them are like bogus. But these are fine:

You Are Dare

You are outrageous, adventurous, and wild. You live to have fun.

You are all about taking risks and pushing limits. You love the rush of doing something forbidden.

Like most daring people, you are highly intelligent and creative. That's why you get bored so easily.

You need a lot of stimulation and novelty in your life. You aren't satisfied with the mundane.

Are You Truth or Dare?

Your Attention Span is Short

What attention span? It's difficult for anything to keep your interest.

You are so easily distracted, it's a wonder you could finish this quiz!

You find focusing a challenge. Your mind tends to wander to the strangest places.

While it may be hard for you to complete tasks, you're very creative.

You are easily inspired, and you are often thinking of something interesting.

The world would be a boring place without people like you.

How's Your Attention Span?

You Have a Phlegmatic Temperament

Mild mannered and laid back, you take life at a slow pace.

You are very consistent - both in emotions and actions.

You tend to absorb set backs easily. You are cool and collected.

It is difficult to offend you. You can remain composed and unemotional.

You are a great friend and lover. You don't demand much of others.

While you are quiet, you have a subtle wit that your friends know well.

At your worst, you are lazy and unwilling to work at anything.

You often get stuck in a rut, without aspirations or dreams.

You can get too dependent on others, setting yourself up for abandonment.

What Temperament Are You?

You Are CURVES AHEAD

When you're confronted with a problem, you take it on immediately - but with your eyes wide open.

You deal with stress well. You take things as they come, and you don't panic.

In fact, you often enjoy challenging situations. Difficulty makes you feel alive.

You are alert and observant. You notice every twist and turn in the road.

What Street Sign Are You?

The bottom 2 are the best. The moment I saw the title I'm already so damn certain, beyond all horizons of doubt that I am most alike "copper" and "alternate" respectively. Take a look.

You Are Copper

You are provocative and challenging. You help people realize who they really are.

You live a very balanced life. You always take time for love and art.

You are both a powerful and generous person. You always have time to give back.

People find you to be incredibly ethical and loyal.

What Metal Are You?

You Are "alt"

Some people might find you to be strange, mysterious, and even a bit off putting.

You tend to be drawn to and influenced by alternative lifestyles. You're definitely not normal.

Once people get to know you, they realize you're interesting, intriguing, and very intelligent.

You have a lot of knowledge stored in that big brain of yours. Most of it is useless knowledge, but some of it is very useful.

What Keyboard Key Are You?

kysc

2009-03-16T13:40:00.005+08:00

I think it's about time for me to get my butt moving after 8 months of lazing around. Since the first time I decided to study for exams, since the first time I remember myself entering the dance studio in a chilling, damp night, carrying books and notes not knowing where to start revision for econs, begins my starvation from bboy.

And up to yesterday's chilling, dry night did I make a point to resume what and where I left off. So hopelessly behind, but glad that I made the decision nonetheless. No use saying that one won't give up bboying but in fact he had. Just say it in the face. I give up.

My decision in the opposite. No matter what command school will fling at me, I will pluck time up to pursue this passion.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Guys, it matters to me whether you guys bboy or not in the future. But I will never account bboying to our bonding, just like many of you would not I am sure. Some of you guys would have given up silently. Please don't pledge to each other. These facts are only true to yourself. So if you quit, it's still alright :) We will stick together for a lifetime :))

But I am making a decision to continue, at least for the phase of NS when it's hardest to do so (NS, give me the shit man). So I hope you guys will follow.

coursechoice

2009-03-16T13:24:00.002+08:00

Psychology is always interesting. But to me, understanding how people are screwed doesn't give much an opportunity for me to screw around with people. Moreover, it dissects and analyzes people in a more dispositional than situational perspective. I would prefer it as a side-study, and also, a journey of slow self-discovered knowledge.

Sociology is something which grew to be of interest partially because of Chinese A2. Alike psychology, it incorporates the understanding of the human behavior, but with a more macro, situational, societal perspective. After NUS open house, I'm quite sure that I would take sociology as my major, cos of my love of understanding the workings, movements, and trends of people.

Business is the more practical solution to a degree. If someone were to not be sure of anything, business is the push-button. An all-rounded education. Contrary to popular perception, you don't have to take business only when you want to start business. It educates a lot on the corporate world, equipping you with a wide range of skills the corporate environment demands. However, it's not much of my philosophy of "screwing around with people and having fun", nor does it strongly enforce my philosophy of looking at dealings as games and stuff. But nonetheless, I will consider. I may take a minor in business, or 2 majors: sociology and business (is that allowed?).

I would not like to do anything which I don't love. I had already made a mistake by taking a subject combo in IB which I do not really like. Should not have taken math HL, nor should I have taken Chem HL. Should have dumped in a history instead. I would not want to continue this mistake in uni. There are relatives and friends who ask me why I want to take sociology and not consider science-based, or economics-based majors. They have a point in the immense potential of these 2 areas, but it's not something I have a dying passion in. I have practically zero drive in science, and a good drive in econs, but I would love most to discover the inner workings of society and people (ie. a chance to screw around). As for my practical reasoning, I would say that social sciences increase your knowledge of societies, cultures, and people, making you an all-rounded, well-informed, sensitive, aware, empathetic individual. It thus opens up many career opportunities. And for the business side, I felt a need to take some of it because I need to understand the way people behave in the corporate world (though both spheres are much bonded together).

pop lo

2009-03-11T23:04:00.001+08:00

After the 24km route march, I'm tired. After missing lunch, I'm quite drained.

Too bad dad didn't bring a camera for today. Could not take pix with the commanders who trained me the past 9 weeks. A token of appreciation.

Now, I need rest for ONE night.

Then we can go play. Hey come.

miniupdate

2009-03-08T18:27:00.003+08:00

wa the fwuah. Its 3 days to POP!

So fastly approaching. 20 more months to NS. Say that not. IT sounds longer.

Com just got repaired with a new motherboard. Must be my abuse of my com which brought about the malfunction of the mainboard. Ha.

Recently read a few books.

The Game and 1984. Now reading The Lucifer Effect.

I didn't regret buying any of those.

If any one of you fellow readers wanna borrow I should be able to lend :)

security

2009-03-08T13:08:00.000+08:00

why care so much?

guard duty

2009-03-06T09:40:00.001+08:00

It forfeited 2 nights from me,

But it was worth it: the priceless memories we take back.

2009-02-28T22:52:00.002+08:00

There are the ones who crack under pressure. The instructors said that it's easy to see the whayang ones. Those who have something to prove, those who have a clear goal and act like they have always something to prove. Goal as in being an SOC in the near future. Super Officer Cadet.

Having met some of those people, I had, too, also met those who are dense. Those who had COMPLETELY NO IDEA of others' opinion on them, who hadn't the faintest knowledge of the implication of one simple and defining action, who hadn't half an ounce's sense to realize that they are destroying themselves, and have a kiloton of imagination that they are getting away unscrewed.

At the same time, I've met really unselfish, responsible and nice people. I don't use the word "nice" to describe anyone usually. Because everyone is nice in a sense. Freddie is like da bomb man. Once I woke up at 1.30am and asked him to accompany me to the laterine, he agreed. But when he asked me the same question at 5am, I could not agree cos my body was freezing. Then later, I wanted to go to the laterine, he accompanied me again (we have to go with our buddies). John is a responsible, unselfish, accomodating and helpful bunkmate. Nuff said. Finish. Earnest is another unselfish, thoughtful, though shadingly unreserved guy. Just giving few examples from my side of the bunk la. It's these people who really make your life in army more fun, all the more easier and enjoyable. Those selfish people, or people who look solely at their suffering, disregarding others' adversities are so infectious. They possess a virus which spreads and make you want to be selfish because you fear being taken advantage of and stuff (which happens reasonably many times).

I should be less selfish. I will and must actively strive to be less selfish for the days ahead.

sec three

2009-02-28T22:32:00.004+08:00

As i turned my head around to watch the news-depicted winter olympics, my memories were brought back to sec 3, when xianyi was crippled cos of a stunt he did during the hockey match. He tried to show off braking at full speed by jamming his heel sideways, but his body momentum was just too fast. So, he ended off crippled, spending his time in the hospital office watching the winter olympics while we are watching the snow-white marker-stained board in our classes.

Brings back to memories the times of sec 3, where there are no worries at all. It makes me feel like a kid living school life with the abandonment of a toddler in the playground. The only difference is that I know how to prevent injury. It was like a free hang-out session after school, bumming around in school, going for sessions, bboy, bboy, bboy. Edmund would come my class in between lessons to break. We would 'study' in the library as Edmund is some lian magnet. Also discussing about Cheuk Ho and his 3000-ampere-electromagnet exploits. Going jurong for lunch and would always eat chinese dumplings. One or two random events popping out in the middle making experiences more interesting.

Amongst the most significant events was Edmund falling on his face, which sucks to the maxmaxmax. It was a time we came together as a crew, the new-formed kyensai generation of friends. And of course, another significant event was the formation of kyensai on 15th Feb. The name had always meant something. Even if we stopped bboying for a while, even if we cut down on practice so damn much, even though I hadn't bboyed properly for half a year, even though we hadn't met up as much, the name and mention of 'Kyensai' still stirs something within me. They are the group of friends who I always have and never will I have to worry about solitarism through testing, grinding times.

So much to recount in this one year, though the hopes and possibility of ever living it were so hermetically sealed, lights and sounds from the year's joy and laughter, tears and sorrow still pervades.

dreams

2009-02-22T18:26:00.002+08:00

CB. Dreams can really alter your course of thought, direction and resolutions. Completely veer you off course, or to another course. Completely sweep your feet off the floor. They remind you of another course of life you could have taken, they edify you like honeycomb sweet to the soul, or haunt you like a million spears etched with acid splitting the marrow of your bones.

Just as things seem to be going on well and smoothly, dreams can destroy it. In a positive note, TRY to destroy it. Dreams I mean the ones you encounter in sleep. I tell you they suck sometimes. Waking up can't believe it's not real, and praying it wasn't. It's like the concept of doublethink, believing something and wanting to not believe in the same at the same time. At times worst, it keeps you awake at night. Try to sleep fast, lest a heavy anchor with slippery chains plough itself at your bedside. Try to distract yourself, in prevention for a back-door-surprise. Keep yourself busy with new hobbies and new people, so if you get that jack-in-the-box again, you would just laugh it off.

But I would prefer to face it on its own. With God alone. It's the best way to get over a problem. The best way to fix a fault, the most effective method for scabbing, the truest resolution for a devastation, the cleanest fixation for the dirtiest delusion. Burnish.

through motions

2009-02-21T13:05:00.002+08:00

have it ever occured to you that your life is going through the motions?

Every action, plan and scheme drawn to fill up the weekends, looking forward to bookouts, looking for university and a course of study.

And so to get a good pay, a good job, maybe a good wife, a good family.

Unless you have a philosophy, or life is given meaning, it will be different. Maybe it pays off to look outside of life.

wk 6 BMT

2009-02-21T12:53:00.003+08:00

An early bookout lands me in fish&co with bob, pei, and james. A dinner of fresh and layered swordfish collar is extremely enticing, but was dashed with equal layers of deep-fried crumbs.

This week was the week in which we got the last number of punishments. We increased our standard, plus, RANGE DAY, so nothing much they could do anyway. I was perfect in practice sessions scoring 16/16, but was outcasted to the "bobo shooters" when I didnt hit the target 6 times. When I realized that I got lane 14 for the shoot, I was like.. SHIT. The figure 15 target on my lane will not drop no matter how accurately and center I aimed at it. Oh yes, my lane was closed before my turn because of the figure 15 target malfunction also. Moreover, my rifle was so dry and oil-less on my last magazine that they had to force-cock it to extract the empty cartridge and reload every shot I took. What fun. Even though with the companionship of 1984 and my mates, it was still dry.

So many things to do this weekend, as if there are enough hours for that. Choreo dance, buy shoe and drinks and books. Time to roll.

kyensai day n4

2009-02-15T13:01:00.002+08:00

IT's been quite some time since we sessioned.

But happy birthday kyensai :) you're four years old.

Though it's a great night at the Arena, and possibly a memorable lunch at turf city, we will have to meet soon.

cliched word: sorry

2009-02-14T18:31:00.002+08:00

When I first realized that this word is a requirement (according to the masses) for forgiveness, I began to reflect on the importance and implications of the utterance of the word "sorry".

It's a word spoken out of humility and understanding, empathy towards someone else's feelings knowing that you have disappointed them. Whereby spoken, you willingly lower your pride, filled with regret hoping you could have done something to remedy the situation, hoping you could have done something to take back what you did. It's the reverser to your ignorance towards another's hopes, feelings, and the entire situation.

Like any other word which enquires about another's soul, like any other word which associates with faith, hope and love, this word, and all other words and phrases and clauses and sentences of this kind must be spoken with sincerity and truthfulness, unless you are armed with a motive to harm another person.

This word is another of the most cliched words ever used. The golden key for forgiveness, the push-button for an escape from punishment, with a dash of hypocrisy. An immediate effect to shut the other party up. During the course of army, we've all seen this word used many times. But the problem is, it seldom mean anything. Because first, the mistake is made again and again, so despite the unending number of "sorry"s, it doesn't convey real regret nor remorse in the offender's part. And second, it's spoken with more of cowardice than remorse.

For example, during a fall-in to check-clear our weapons, some of our platoonmates were late because they can't find bayonets, or because they sprained their ankle and stuff. So they were limping, or proceeding down the stairs. We were all pushing them shouting "platoon 3 hurry up!". Then this guy went to shout "you better hurry up or I will take my rifle and ......." (expletive). Not only he said that once, but he spoke in such threatening manner to them. I could stand it no longer, so I told him off, telling him "is this the way you talk to your platoonmates?". I bet everyone is feeling the same indignance towards his behavior, just that I happened to stand beside him, so it's most convenient to whack him. What happened next is behavior of utmost irresponsibility and cowardice. He lowered himself, with eyes spelling the human emotion of s.u.r.p.r.i.s.e, and a dash of fear in the face of cowardice, he said sorry to ME.

And also, other times when he was making lots of noise causing an irritation, and when he was reprimanded, he would say the same old sorry to the commander or the platoonmate, as he fails to realize who he really offended is the other platoonmates. Yes, lowering your head is one way to get around authorities. But do you see me lowering my eyes around commanders, giving that "sorry" when being told off, behaving in a totally different way around commanders, trying to earn their recognition by being very garang only in front of them? It takes a bit of effort in one's part to be honest with oneself and have integrity towards the people around him. An honest question deserves an honest answer. A directed interrogation requires a straight-up reply. Not the 'sorry', not the ticket to stop the interrogation.

This extremely abused word is directed almost always at the wrong person. In army especially, it's directed on the person who told you off, instead of the one who is offended, wrong, or hurt, harmed, made disadvantageous. If you lost your wallet, and your sergeant reprimands you for your carelessness, do you say sorry to HIM? You should be sorrry for yourself for losing your wallet! You should admit your carelessness to yourself and realize it's your mistake! All that sergeant is doing is to help you realize your mistake by reprimanding you. I believe it's the repsonsibility of oneself towards himself, all part of self-discipline.

I have no resentment with the use of this word. Because I known of cases of this word doing wonders. But in contradiction, this word when abused, do reveal the not-so-pretty characteristics of one. When questioned by a commander on why one committed an error, an expected word to fly out of the offender's lips is "sorry". No admittance for the reason of your neglect, an inadequate excuse, but the simple 5-letter-S-word. You should be sorry for yourself most the time for not taking care of your own stuff. Instead of living in the mercy, living in the shadows of a command, I believe one should take control of his own conscience.

And also, an unsaid rule, promises are meant to be kept, and words of such are meant to be acknowledged. What's the use of saying 1000 5-letter-S-words (SLSW) when not one truly mean anything? What's the use of mouthing the word again and again just to make the mistake one more time than the number of times you said it? Trust is to be earned (that's what we all know), but it's easier to lose it than earn a fraction of it back (that's what we assume we know). But if one really really means it, this cliched word is amongst the most powerful words ever.

hand spoil

2009-02-14T16:52:00.002+08:00

It was something different to be stand in the status row, to be the observers of training. I never thought I would get status, but my hand got spoilt because of shell-scrape digging. The tendons ache and I can't grip properly, resulting to an inefficient use of the palm muscle. Oh yes, the number of people on status (unable to take part in training due to sickness or injuries) have increased by alot. It started out with 3 on sunday, then to around 4 or monday. After that, it exploded, ending off with 15 (out of 49 total in my platoon) people on the last day of the week. Platoon 3 has 5 sections! Jaguar has an observation platoon :\

I finally achieved IPPT GOLD! I thought there would be an early bookout, but it's cancelled because of our slow movement. I was pushing myself and thinking that if a 20-second cut in my 2.4 time would result to a 5 hour early bookout, why not push all the way? And my time was 9.41, 20 seconds faster than my normal 2.4. And so, here's one goal reached.

Does alcohol ease fever? Before going out with sectionmates yesterday, I had a slight fever with 37.5. After the large can of baron's, the fever disappeared. I was like playing tipsy battlefield and CS. Damn fun. Great experience with sectionmates. And it's been ages since I've touched LAN.

themutualunderstanding

2009-02-08T03:27:00.003+08:00

I talked to xf on the bus today and we were talking about relationships, including bgr and friendship and again makes me reflect once again on this topic.

It's the nth number of time I know relationships between a guy and a girl cock-up due to really stupid, not-worth-it and avoidable causes. Makes me wonder what is this gap between the 2 sexes which are always over-complicated by people, most of the time, the over-suspecting party?

The way I treat friends is quite to extremes. When I regard one as a close friend I would take time off my schedule and push back whatever thing is on the way and spend time with him or her. But if he or she is not, I wouldn't really care if he or she disappears in my life tomorrow. Xf said that it was saddening and irritating that although he cares so much for us kyensai, sometimes we do not give 2 hoots about any requests he suggested to bond us together.

I believe in a close circle of friends, brothers who will be with me in every step of life. I don't normally hang around different groups every week, flitting from gang to gang, getting invited from one place to another. Also, kyensai is a unit, a tight unit of friends who are there to understand each other and sacrifice for each other. I hope.

Another thing I find to be of utmost importance between friends in trust. They don't lie to each other, a bonding mortar to be earned through passages of time and the dark valleys of adversities.

Its such an amazing thing in this world, a mutual undertanding and bonding between 2 people. Yet so complex because each doens't see it at the same level. When that happens, comes disappointment. I think it's much more than saying "i will be there for you". I think that phrase is an overused password to secure oneself as another's hang-out partner. It doesn't really mean anything when said most of the time, it's quite as useless as saying "I love you" when you don't mean it. It's as good as giving someone a well-disguised blank look and finally saying "I'll pray for you" when first, you didn't pray for him, second, you forgot wtf he just said.

Well I hope you few people in kyensai and some outside just know how much I treasure you guys. Your company and your advice, your listening ear and intellectual(less) minds, and I assure I will reciporcate. I am a man of my word, whatever I say I will live up to it. Next up is the kyensai anniversary lunch, and I make sure the turnup will be as complete as possible.

fieldcamp.

2009-02-08T03:11:00.003+08:00

Here's this next issue:

Week 4 and 5 of BMT. Expectantly. But the main focus should not be on such as I'm not much for talking about experiences but find contentment in the derivation of deeper values extracted from these 2 weeks, which are instilled within me.

It had been field camp. field camp field campfieldcampfieldcampfieldcampfieldcampstunfieldcamp.

For those who hadn't ventured into the beauty of nature and immersed himself in the magnificent expanse of flora and green, it's the perfect opportunity to do so. Despite having not to bathe for 6 days, digging your own shithole hoping your ET blade doesn't make a surprise visit on a days-old shitpile, rushing here and there, kena all the saikang of platoon ic, it had been fine and somewhat fun. Cos of all my buddies and some of the classes. UO.

For those who are going to go to field camp, be prepared mentally and expect the worst shit balls is hairy experience you will ever come through during BMT. After that, it's gone! Oh yes, be on time, beware of your rifle and bayonet and magazines blablabla. MUST.

Quite alot to say but not much drive to discuss about it.

Seks.

I've got stuff in my head instead.

book in days

2009-01-27T10:57:00.000+08:00

this is like a subscription. Posts come weekly. Every week, only one chance to chronicle, one chance to voice and to express. I mean publicly yea.

I realize that I LOVE book out days, unlike what I felt on friday: minuscule sense of liberation period. Enjoying myself quite alot. To realize I'm booking in in another 9 hours isn't a very comforting thought, not a welcoming thought, and much more not a liberating one. But heck it, my platoonmates and bunkmates are awesome that I'm going to spend time with them. After all it's been fine, quite exciting and not too hard in the army anyway.

The best part is the ability to live it like 2 years of study break or something. Friendship and bonding with discipline lessons and physical training on the weekdays, rest, liberation and fun in abandonment on the weekends. So it probably takes time for the mindset to adjust to view it as such, and from then on, though book-out days be loved, book-in days will still, at least, not erase the smile on the face :)

For now, time to check the bag and bring some books in camp. One of the bridges and companions that I can whip out at any point of time.

there are roughly forty

2009-01-25T14:15:00.003+08:00

During my train ride home from pasir ris yesterday, I sat down in half-realization that I'm back in civilization. Having not seen a double decker for 2 weeks, or a train for 2 weeks, it brings back memories of life in Singapore. Down there, all I could is to see planes flying by on top of us and disappearing to the sunrise.

And in the MRT was a half-daze, not fully realizing my liberation from the Tekong camp, and so I took out the notebook and started scribbling mind-stuff in my new font.

So for the resolutions of this year, I'm going to condense them to the important points.

-IPPT gold
-Curb that temper
-Be a more caring and loving friend
-Obtain a less messy and complex brain (much had been done)
-Insulation from mediocrity, stemmed with self-assurance.
-A more spiritual person who had better knowledge of God than 2008.

There is roughly forty seconds I have to cut for my 2.4 to get IPPT gold. The first time I had to train for endurance. Not saying that I'm very good, but I just dislike endurance training. The other, well, more developmental prospects of my vision (or, to-do, goals, aims, targets, accomplishments-to-be), are 40 leagues away.

2 weeks confinement in BMT

2009-01-24T14:31:00.003+08:00

Although the day before BMT was filled with uncertainty, blended with a few drops of anxiety, it turned out to be fine one the day of enlistment. I was so excited, for some reason.

It turned out well. 14 days in the army felt like 5 days, I hardly noticed the days past until it was like 4 days left. But still, i've adapted too well man. I felt little liberation in booking out. Thanks to my wonderful bunkmates and platoonmates.

Made known for the 'lats guy' thing, the tongue click, the EMSM, and the 100ml per second drinking speed, the 1500 calorie breakfasts, it made it all the more enjoyable. Our CSM was really nice and funny. A leader by example. Taught us to shoot well and he's no.23rd in the world, taught us to drill well with perfect form. What great section 1 people. Section 1 cheer EMSM. Also during free time playing polar bear. Usually I'll be polishing my boots, listening to their reasoning is a stand-up comedy free of charge. "I am not the killer, like.. why would I be?!". Was literally what one of the guys said when he had nothing to say.

Great to meet and be friends with many different people down here. It is a rare chance, but well-placed in life. I ain't say very excited about the activities. But because there is like PT everyday, I am quite pumped everyday. I love physical exercise, lectures are a time for physical rest, drill lessons are like nothing since I've learned most of it already. So basically I dread nothing in the army. Oh yes, the thing I dislike is AREA CLEANING ._. Freak. have to be so meticulous towards every small speck and placement. Must face certain direction, must be of certain thickness, must be parallel blablabla.

But after all these time it's great to get together with friends and talk and drink about it. More excitement onthe days ahead, this is all we make it out to be :)

X number of toasts for calendar 2008

2009-01-24T11:54:00.004+08:00

One for the "no.12"
One for joining dance
One for Chinese A2
One for IB
One for the Vendetta saga
One for the love of dance
One for the bboying
One for my friends and family who helped me through

finalmoments

2009-01-08T01:48:00.004+08:00

Yupp in less than 10 hours I'll be in camp, receiving my first instructions. It somehow feels as if I'm entering a jail. It's the freaking sian feeling. But I hope army will be far better than that.

Yupp and I'm sure it would. Another 2 years of education of a different sort. If this is something I can't control, why not make the best out of it? :)

Yes Man was funny, and it was good. Twilight was great. I hadn't read the book yet though lol. I can't wait to get out again like duh. But well, it will be a hell of an adventure in camp! I will look upon it as hell of a fun and seksay experience. Or I will try do it. From now is a spell of 22 months of training. Blessed to be born in Singapore. Life's good lol.

Till we meet again :)
Will we ever?

disappointment

2009-01-06T18:44:00.003+08:00

It seems to happen always, that I'm such an invisible man to everybody.

If I regard someone of high importance I will go all out to repay them or help them for whatever much they did to me. And I will thank them, show real gratitude by giving time and money on them. All by brothers and sisters, all who really meant something to me.

And amidst this disappointment and result it came to show that there were really not many who would repay a friendship like I would. Not even mentioning about going all out. What I mean is even willfully taking out time to spend with me. Yes it sounds very proud. But what I'm asking for is not much, is a company, a listening ear, a willing friend in times of adversity. When it comes to now that amongst those I place my trust in few would repay, it disappoints me so damn bloody much.

They would say that they thank me for this and that. They would say that they repay me as a friend for this and that. But never is it shown in action. Fuck words and speech. It never meant anything. I had learnt to distrust what people merely say. The fact that they had said that I was a really great friend. It meant nothing if it's not shown. Well words never meant anything. If one's action goes against what he or she shows it, what's the point?

Sad and extremely disappointed I feel that those who are terribly important to me would not spare a second when it comes to times when I was troubled. Had I to be ditched by these before I learn who to really trust? Am I, after all, not a trustable person? Am I such a freakin menacing person?

And a 38 points bilingual cert staring at me straight in the face.

the writing

2009-01-05T01:34:00.004+08:00

I could not believe how it went. God must have pulled me through so damn well. The interview went well, well, kinda I think, at least I got my message delivered.

The ability to finally be at peace, and to revere Him as the mighty one.

And this is what I should carry on to NS, to place his needs as the first priorities and at life more openly. This is truly a chapter I've went through. The new chapters can now be written :) And this is also one of the toughest tests on character I've went through.

YES as always it's said "it is finished". But also it's just the beginning.

the new chapters

2009-01-02T00:20:00.004+08:00

Friday, January 2, 2009.

Red skies. The usual apocalyptic lookalikes but nothing of that sort. Six days to army, and four to results.

Nostalgia contrasts the beginning of years and especially at these times, it's hard to play mindlessly before being sent to the dreadful-blessing of the how-to-hold-a-rifle programme. Rightfully called national service. A year and 10 months from now I shall see how much have changed in me and around me. Maybe it's the fear of loss within this 2 years. So uncertain. So confined. So happening. So much adventure. So much as I look forward to, I take a step back also.

The walk with God is especially important the next period of time. No more of hypocritical self-awakenings. But in a tough atmosphere, what doesnt kill you makes you stronger.

yh

31st

2008-12-31T01:32:00.001+08:00

Today's the 31st.

Time for reflection and thanksgiving.

Thanksgiving post

2008-12-30T01:17:00.005+08:00

i've just finished 2 and a quarter GLASSES of tequila, and went breaking after that. so im kinda like tipsy now. And for such, i will type my thanksgiving post. I brand myself for being honest and completely sincere to my friends with anything I say, so with all my heart and all my sincerity, this is for you :) Also, because im tipsy, my neural processes aren't as controlled as they should be, this is because your subconscious processes slow and become less controlled.. not totally uncontrolled that's the thing, but i want it to be less activated so what i say would be equally sincere, but more honest and true. I'm known for my super-intrapersonal knowledgle and rationality even when I'm completely drunk, but heck it, this night at 1.24am, i will just let it loose abit, that's if i can.

Well, where should I start? ok kyensai first, you other guys will flow into my mind later :)

Daniel and Christina - Hey you both, it's been a few years and i've blogged roughly the same stuff. You guys may be bored of it, but well, it's sincere and from my heart, not any of this is the sort of copy-paste shit you see in mass-produced thanksgiving cards. The fact that acknowledge you 2 together is because i see you 2 as one, i mean, when i confide in any 1 of u, i will do so equally for the other party. Thanks for offering a rational voice and supporting me in my actions and stuff. Hanging around with me in school, being good company and talking about so many things in the world man. A piece of information: what makes a couple stronger is not how strong their personality start with, it's how much they've been though and called it their past and future.

Xinfu - You, my son, are an awesome creature. I really wish for more of you people to be around the world when needed man, people who would really advice me, would really bereate me, and who would really offer his honest and brutally honestest honest opinion to me. I haven't beeen very very close to you yet, but your rationality in reasoning and the fact that you're unafraid to hurt people's feelings and the very fact you're completely honest about what you feel and what u tell us when you mean it earns my ton of respect. I would rather someone walk the walk, talk the talk, and mean every word he say instead of live up to a certain expectation.

Edmund - Just about one of the closest persons i've been close with this year. Thanks for lending a listening ear, after all, you're not a person who's quick to advice and talk, but you're one who is able to listen and empathize. You're just about the person who know what's going on in my life, and thanks for being in such a position because recently you heard alot of shit lol. But well, also, friends forever, brathars forever. You know, that's one thing about brothers, they don't leave each other. Bros before holes (random comment lol honest). But for so long we've known each other, perhaps you are the friend which knows so much about me, and thanks for tolerating with that. Oh thanks for your straight-up honest comments sometimes. I really need them cos sometimes i don't really know what i'm doing. But returning a favour for a favour, i will return the same you gave to me, thanks brother.

Jyong - Hey jyong, instead of thanking you for this and that, I would like to apologize for my inadequacy as a friend in the past few months I've known you. Yes, i'm tipsy, but im completely brutally honest. But still, thanks for teaching me mills and backflips. Let us be real brothers and friends. I don't call everyone brother.

JT - Thanks for trying to understand my psyche lol, you guys are those who i seldom confide in, but when pressed i would. remember when the time i told you about being like weird and stuff? Thanks so much for it. I have excellent memory and remmeber random things and things which are small and rather insignificant to people. Though I know you are the few who can really listen, i get to realize it first hand that night when we talked to 3+am. Thanks for listening to me :)

Kyensai - you guys have been my closest in these few years. Though i seldom or never in these few years had a best friend, you kyensians serve to be my closest fellowship i've ever had. No words can thank you enough, although i told and confided and talked to you guys little, you guys are the brothers i really love.

Parabola - as if you visit this blog, i will email you this thing. Alright for oryx and crake, I'll return you the book soon later :) And alrite, thanks for the random encounters on the corridors of the sch having conversations about anything in the world man! also like the phrase "are you thinkiing what i'm thinking?" which made the trademark of the years HAHA. (that, which actually means squash). But really, you intelligent boy who offers a differing view to the situations.

J.Wong - for all the sports and all the brotherhood you brought to us, the toast for the future ahead. The tennis, the badminton, gym, soccer, you are like a sports friend man! Well thanks for trusting me and letting me listen to some of the stuff you would tell me and you said to trust me to keep it :)

Bobbie - yupps, for the shopping sprees and hang-outs, it was fun (including saving alot alot of money HAHA), and yes, thanks for it of cos. OH thanks for the diarrhoea incident too.

PeiWen - Hey well haven't talked in some time, but yea, thanks for the diarrhoea incident LOL.

TianYong - We hadn't talked much this year, but thanks for expressing concern for me. Well we remain good friends don't we. Had got to know about complexities, had gotten to explore our mirroring thoughts and ideas. And too, the growing phase of obsession with intelligence. Well im sure both us had grown and developed alot over the past few months, but be assured, that when a friend is needed I will be there to listen and I mean it. And same on the other side. Deal?

Teachers - you guys were the largest part of my education journey. The determination and dedication you mentors displayed cannot be put to words. Passion indescribable, efforts insurmountable. Chinese A2 teachers, you have inspired me and spurred me on beyond much i could expect of myself. You guys made be believe in myself and the fact that it's possible. The efforts and dedication you guys pump into work is amazing. Special dedication to them, they deserve so much. But I would also have to mention other teachers, who had played such important part in my learning journey, driving me along the way, challenging me to greatest heights.

WeiYang - You have been such an inspiration during my learning process in Chinese. You never stopped spurring me on and inspiring me and encouraging me. I started diffident, unconfident, and ended up accomplished, contented and well-challenged. Thanks for inspiring me and encouraging me, because i really understand what it means by your encouragement. You too, are an inspiration and an encouragement. So much progress, development, maturity overseen through the past year, so much path trodden, and I assure you, there will be friends that will last always.

Seth Chua - Yes, you're still a friend, a important friend of my dear. Thanks for entrusting me with such secret information which i am nt really very supposed to know. But whatever it is, i know you are there willing to be a friend which will listen and stuff. Weirdly, that's what i felt you were. All the best fo the year ahead!

Parents and family - hey dad, mom, brother, grandma had given me limitless support that i feel like i'm free to do anything. But that's aside the point. It means alot from one's parents to affirm their sons, and for my brother to trust me enough to talk to me. I mean, i really feel that I have somewhere to return to, I feel that i am rooted, and i really know that i have somewhere to go, and a responsibility to bear. Although I may call it a chore, the support and love you all give me, i truly appreciate. I shall stop calling myself a good son no more. Just because i return the favour with good grades don't amount to the efforts you guys put in for me. I truly appreciate that.

Victoria - hey nice knowing you Vic. I really never had any female friend who I am so talkable and sociable with in my life before. Nice the PTNH, then the hanging out at fairprice, then the random astroturf-dancestudio picnics and all sorts of random stuff. Thanks so much for being there. Also helping out in the studies lol. Espcially with math when im like stuck then u come out with some solution and i start banging my head asking myself why am i so dumb. Please pardon my pride and esteem :( Thanks for listening to my saikang, all the entity, all the simple complexities and all the 1000 thought processes in the head must be quite alien to understand right? Aiya simple one la, im a simple dude man :) But really nice getting to know you. Really hope to get to know you better and keep in contact through NS. Sorry for the first impression thing, but it is hard to erase. Now it's fine, and i see you as such a nice person. I truly treasure this friendship.

And so these are the people who had moulded my past year. Without whom, i would not have became the YH of today. The development I went through is crazy, much to the people here. Thanks for being such great friends and such great support. Excellent voices of advice, indispensible companions, unforgettable brethrens, and the much-needed companionship. Albeit having many friends, you guys are really the ones who are important to me, who were so instrumental in shaping and moulding me the past year. Not enough thanks can be accredited to you guys, for you all are just awesome and inspiring. I had so much fun, renewal and rejuvenation with every one of you.

Every single one of you are just awesome.

a sweep of ib, 7 things

2008-12-25T23:32:00.003+08:00

A random note. i've reached my target weight of 60kg. I overshot till 61.5. with a BMI of 23.1. So i am officially overweight :)

let's talk about the aims.

Accomplished 16, 10, 5, 6, 3. if you wanna see them you can go find them on amongst the first posts in January. Came close to some others, and failed in some others.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
But more importantly one should review significant chapters. Oh lets talk about the last 2 years.

1. a wrecked first shot
well it's the first time i've shot. And it went into the net but it's stolen. It made me much stronger emotionally and mentally. Finally being able to see myself to die for social activity and friends and stuff. But they've been so much of a help. Sadly, my world and the MOTOS are never the same again. Is it something which will harm me in the future? Definitely it is and still is. No,no it's not about that basket i've missed, but is about all the basketball players.

2. WoW
My encounter with kids did affect me alot. for i've never been able to communicate and open up with them that easily. This is with a language barrier. It so made me lighten and love them.

3. joining DANCEDANCEDANCEDANCEDANCEDANCEDANCEDANCEDANCEDANCE
Amongst my greatest contentions are joining dance again (concordantly, amongst my greatest regrets is being absent from dance for six and half months.) It had posed such amazing influence on me, that i feel more myself and more liberated when dancing. Not just an outlet of expression, i feel it is the very essence of myself, being on stage, hitting the beats.

4. Rafael Nadal
one of greatest influences is Rafael Nadal. I've been a fan since i first watched him. Yes, he doesn't have the finesse of Federer nor the talent half that of Gasquet, but it's his determination, physical and mental strength which wears down his opponents, enabling him to win matches from behind. What a hell of a sportsman. Had been a great example and helped in many areas of life. trained me in discipline which i hardly had.

5. Chinese A2
My fault for choosing this just because i don't wanna lose chinese. But also, i developed an interest in pri.5 towards chinese. Not the hardcore memorization shit, but the beauty of the language. Though i didn't master chinese A2, nor get a 7 for it, this period of time led me saw the beauty in Chinese which i once wanted to see. It made me believe in myself for never i've expected myself to get 79% for chinese. I never thought i would even make a 6! But thanks to the teachers, and the students it made me wake up and realize that there's so many people who are helping me, and giving so much for me to get a 7. So all i can do is to repay them with my best effort. That's something i did give when i decided to go for it.

Oh and yes, without chinese A2, i will never be able to do well in english.

6. Friends
Kyensai, again, you guys just don't break up. there when it was hell, though not so bad at times. anyway thanks so much for your endless brathahood man. parabola! your oryx and crake. im finishing it, and ill rmb the endless random encounters at the corridors of the school in-between classes and SQUASH! WeiYang! Though you were disagreeable at times, the year was greatly influenced by you, and it weren't be the same without you, your support and your inspiration and you're an inspiration too! Christina! nonstoptalkingagain, but still, the rational voice and someone who is neutral, and just like kyensai, oh you are part of us haha, just like them you guys always remain neutral and dont always barge in and try too much to help! Victoria! thanks for being such a friend the past few months. i never had any female friend i was so talkable with. ok ill do a proper one at thanksgiving post.

7. BBOYBBOYBBOYBBOYBBOYBBOYBBOYBBOYBBOYBBOY
it's a great mistake for being a slacker bboy for almost 3 years and working hard for 1andhalf year. but yea, it's an escape. Honestly i don't really die and have corrosive passion for it, but i still love it. Still at crucial times it made me feel alive :) forsaking it is a mistake and i've done it again and again and again. Well my nonstopaction body is easily lured by sports. Taken up stuff like pumping iron, tennis, badminton, squash.. Though i try convince myself forsaking it isn't a mistake it still is. all the time.

7 things which critically altered my life and cornered it bringing it and (sometimes giving) it ups and downs. Without any of these, yh will never be yh of today.

review: made of honour

2008-12-24T16:08:00.002+08:00

Made of Honour is a romantic comedy featuring Michelle Monaghan and Patrick Dempsey. And yes you're thinking why im so free and im so free now cos later is a massive stayover and drinking session JEAH CANT WAIT! so since i've watched many movies so far let me go review some of them.

I've watched this movie twice. First is with Victoria at starbucks (i forgot how on earth we ended up there tht nite haha), and second was with Lucy, Mish and Victoria at Lucy's house after prom. I thought that i watched it twice, enough to be familiar with the show.

Basically it's centralled on the protagonist Tom Bailey (portrayed by Patrick Dempsey) and his relationship with his friend for over a decade, Hannah (portrayed by Michelle Monaghan). They were best friends and were shown to have a deep knowledge of each others' likes and dislikes, a unparralleled understanding towards each other although their lifestyles are vastly different: Tom is a player (though he had never had sex nor a relationship with Hannah), Hannah is a typical office-woman with a steady career looking for an equally steady relationship. They both have a unspoken and undiscussed and unexplored and unprobed romantic attraction to each other, but since they are friends they rather label themselves as that and go no further (this is portrayed by them in the movie before Hannah leaves). But Hannah takes a 6 week leave to go to Scotland for her job. And during this absence, Tom discovers that there was no one who could match Hannah the way she was and how well they could click with each other. But when Hannah returns he discovered she's engaged to a Duke called Collin and Hannah asks him to be her Maid of Honour. through a series of attempts and disappointments, he finally manage to win Hannah back from the man she was engaged to. Sorry for the long description, but I needed to explain it or else it will sound stupid.

First off, the story in general was good, well discussed and taken a good approach on focussing on Tom's problems and every action he takes to win Hannah back. The portrayal, too was excellent. It was the last 30 minutes of the show where it really showed. Monaghan's portrayal was downright accurate, Dempsey's acting constantly brings to mind his dillema and troubles ahead of him. The facial expressions and interactions between these 2 characters were excellent. you can literally write them in words like "why the hell am i kissing you im engaged and i shouldnt be doing this but i really love you but i cant think this way".

The entire film is centralled on the intially-independent-but-in-fact-interelated internal conflicts within and between Tom and Hannah. And of course, the friendly-but-flawless sidekick Collin. Characterization was colorful and varied, making it exciting and engaging. The slow change of Hannah's opinion towards Tom is sufficiently arranged, and the element of rivalry, though not superbly developed, was enough to appeal to the emotions and make it funny.

But talking about the story again, although it gains credibility by the sufficient presentation of the background between Hannah and Tom, it wasn't very realistic at the end as it comes off as too abrupt and a little too much of a comedy. Up to the point where Hannah and Tom kissed in the bar, the realism was high enough, but when Tom barged in to tell Hannah he loves her, though it is sweet and puts a fullstop, it put the fullstop when it word isnt complet. That i felt could have been better.

But in sum, this movie, i thought was a good movie, in a sense that it suceeded it's take as a romantic comedy really well. Though lacking in some parts, directing and portrayal made up for it. The emotional journey this movie takes the viewer across is realistic and heart-wrenching. And it does give the audience a new perspective on love and relationships. I would recommend this movie. But if you're a very emotionless person, you'll probably not like it very much cos you're distracted about the incredibility of the last part.

Genre: Drama
Sub-Genre: Romantic Comedy
Cinematography: 4/5
Dark at the right times, light at the right times. with the camera constantly moving, it keeps it upbeat and somehow shows the development of Tom.
Portrayal: 16/20
It isn't like Christian Bale in American Psycho or something. But the portrayal in this movie is something which made this movie look very realistic. If the acting and script isn't up to this standard, this film won't score well under the story section. Dempsey's and Monaghan's portrayal are able to make the reader feel and connect with the reader emotionally really well.
Directing: 13/20
The artistic and dramatic aspects of the play, including music. The three weddings were accurate and very distinctive. The monitor of the scripts and environment is good to make it convincing. The ideas brought about in the film made it damn funny at times. However, the chain of event which follow appear to be too abrupt, more effort should be put to make it more convincing and understandable.
Story: 15/25
Emotionally, this thing is powerful. It scores high on the area, but in terms of intellectuality, i mean, the intellectual relatability of the story, it suffers. However, there is sufficient development of the character and conflicts, and that pushes up the score again. But again, a lazy and inadequately barren finale deflates emotional build-up. In general, a sufficient story.

Total: 48/70
or
68.5%

0-20 = Pontianak
21-40 = Pussy
41-50 = Prosaic
51-60 = Pass
61-70 = Prefable
71-80 = Polished
81-90 = Professional
91-100 = Paramount

review: just a kiss

2008-12-24T14:59:00.002+08:00

back to reviewing movies. and one of the movies i've watched recently is: just a kiss. Basically, this is the movie description I read on the programme information on cableTV: "a simple kiss between a couple led to the breaking up of friendships and relationship, causing them to find comfort in the hands of strangers. Can they go back to when it's 'just a kiss'?" The show starts at 2am and ends at 3.45pm. And i thought it was about 2 people who like love each other but made a mistake and now are trying to salvage everything. But it's nothing close to that level of depth. It's just as simple as it seems. Take that description totally literally.

The plot is centralled on the consequences on this tight-knit group of friends, Halley, Dag and Peter, due to Dag 'accidentally' kissing Peter's girlfriend Rebecca and ended up having sex. Halley broke up with Dag. Peter is emotionally wounded. Rebecca, out of remorse, gives Halley her room keys. While staying there, she meets Andre a Cellist and had sex with him. Meanwhile, Peter meets Andre's wife Colleen on a plane and they kissed. But because later Peter decided to use the phone to call Rebecca, the plane crashed. Rebecca who had always had emotional problems hears Peter's final words and kills herself. However, peter isn't dead. He is seen on national TV as one of the 2 survivors, the other being Colleen. Colleen is shown in the same news channel to be knocked down by a firetruck in a somewhat comical and dramatic fashion. While all these happened, Dag, who is also remorseful hung out at a bar while he hooks up bartender Paula and was about to have sex, when Paula kicked him off her balcony and he ends up in hospital.

While these 3 are in hospital, Colleen dies from her accident, Rebecca dies from drug overdose because Paula wanted to get rid of her (her real crush is on Peter), and Dag was frightened to death by Paula. Finally the movie rewinds to the scene where Dag only kisses Rebecca but resists sex, thus it's "just a kiss". And resultantly, the consequences were nothing that severe.

Well as a whole you can see that the plot is very happening. But it is amongst the most superficial plots i've known. It was unexplained, uninspired and unnecessary. The idea could have been much more understandable and relatable without the effects they used, with better cinematography and use of music. There seems to lack serious drive in the movie, with narrative drive coming mainly from the quick sequence of events and complexity of break-ups and adultery instead of the expectation of the audience. The movie have failed to appeal to people as a medium of influence, as a emotionally and intellectually altering tool (logos, ethos, pathos). The disconnection between the media and the audience is mostly because of the unrealism of the plot. Though such stuff may happen, the sequence of events make people go "so what?" after the movie. Unfortunately, the acting, atmosphere and ambience did nothing to make it better.

The characters, though, are distinct but flat. Distinctions of character bring through the different courses Halley, Dag and Peter take. But the acting was just enough to make the cut for the character distinction (that isnt a compliment). Although the movie plans to show the adverse consequences on friendship and relationships after even a mistake of kissing someone you shouldn't, the plot goes in a continuous lateral spiral which ends with uncertainty and inconclusion.

Genre: Drama
Cinematography: 3/5
Because camera angles aren't that important in drama, the requirements are bit lower. It has sufficient camera angles professionalism some of the time, right choice of ambience, but poor lighting.

Portrayal: 7/20
Actress portraying Halley did OK. Actor acting Dag was crap, even i could do it. that's how bad it is. Actor portraying Peter was like below average. Actress portraying Rebecca was little lower than average. The script does not escalate the element of tension and conflict, nor does the body language shown in the acting. But it's not the worst portrayal i've seen, so, i'd give it a 7.

Directing: 5/20
The artistic and dramatic aspects of the play, including music directing. Firstly, superficial stories can only go so far right? Secondly, a lack of drive, an insufficient script. Disconnected series of events which go linear at the end don't work out also. The switching between characters and the story makes it look like a joke and decreases the value of the film sadly. The use of the 'fade out to matt drawing' effect looks nice but wasn't complimented with other elements (it didn't make it worse, nor does it make it better, but since it's unnecessary, it's bound to worsen it). Finally, there is a lack of atmosphere and feel and thus expectation and effect on audience is severely limited.

Story: 3/25
Since it's a drama, I've increased it to a 20 to rate a emotionally, intellectually engaging and influencial story. To achieve this, films must have credibility, realism, relatability and must develop the central idea with enough width and depth. However, although it has a good direction, it fails in realism and relatability. The series of events were badly portrayed and these events were just too unrealistic. It may have been a comedy, but this show IS a joke. It has a little bit of relatability because lust, as we know, is a common problem. The development was very wide but haywire at the same time. The unrealism, and undependable development nake this an incredible film lol.

final score: 18/70
or
25.714%

Other scores:
IMDB: 52%
RottenTomatoes: 19%

psst. a part of me died when i saw the imdb ratings.

2008

2008-12-21T23:41:00.004+08:00

i havent much time nor desire to write about what happened so far this year, but the resolutions ive set to achieve had failed. quite miserably actually. but thats short of the point.

aside resolutions, aims, plans, and goals are things life throw at you along your way. it's hard to fix aims and goals to set the direction for the year ahead. though important, there are the thousands and millions and billions of laughs, sai kang, joy, fits, rage, feelings of dejection bla bla bla one encounters as to set out to achieve these goals. as for such, one must not be totally fixated on pursueing his or her goals.

but that's not my reason for falling flat on the face. it's after all, a journey for you to decide, a journey where there's a balance of teaching and self-learning, responsibility and inner conflict.

as always, 2008 had been an eventful year for me, of course majorly cos of the exams. (a few days ago i dreamt of myself having to study chinese a2 all over again cos the exam papers didn't make it or something). it also witnessed the entrance of a few people into my life, i mean, T.I.P list. the voice that goes "grow up" speaks softly now, but the urge to mature swells exponentially. i somehow always see myself as a student.

before this year ends i will have to write a thanksgiving post, which is, literally, thanksgiving. and to acknowledge events and shit and hurdles and heartbreaks and disappointments and achievements by toasting to each and every single one of them. its funny but its my self-made custom to commemorate life's memorable, both the pleasant and the horrible moments, all the right and wrong decisions.

so how should i end this post? i feel flashbackish. or, as if i've neared an end. it's an end in many ways. end of my formal education, the long long break from studies which i will sadly lose contact with many of the friends i see around for years. its losing people in the TIP list, praying you'll see at least some of them again and hope they hadn't wasted themselves after 2 years. still a point of time while waiting for my results, uncertainty which contrasts the certainty of formal education.

and next time when we grow up, we'll sit in the car with our kids beside us and tell them "cherish your schooling days for it's the best times".

it was really great times.

a killsometime post

2008-12-15T13:08:00.002+08:00

I have not done this for ages. And so let me rant about my past few days of my life now, for several long minutes. Let me see how skilled (unskilled) I am on crappin about what happened in the day.

Saturday
I woke up, rolled around on the bed till like 10+, then I woke up to brush my teeth. I still hadn't much got used to the short hair, but I'm trying. No la, maybe it's just the fact tht i always look at the smoothness of my hair on the mirror. Sometimes reminding you of the controversial Roy Keane. "As if he took a metal bar to smoothen, flatten, shinien, and polish his head" is what i used to say in my primary school days while describing his hair. Though I don't liken his flat hair to mine, I would like to parrallel the smoothness of the hair.

Anyway, I woke up to take breakfast, my standard breakfast of 3 slices of bread. This time with jam. I would prefer to have one slice with peanut butter, maybe kaya. Just for a little variation in a otherwise plain and rather featureless meal. Without eggs this time. Cos I'm lazy. Then I turned on the TV to watch my usual documentaries. Not long later lunch came. Prawn mee. The quality of mee is like balls. But mum did enough to save it :) At about 12.30 i managed to capture a slice of House M.D. funny and really nice as usual.

(omg its so verbose)

I was reminded of the warehouse sales i would go later, so i plucked out the hours-old copy of the straits times from the top of the stack and read it. No, not just for offers. Though i would discover a FCUK and BCBG sales. Deciding it wasn't enough, I logged on to the net to find out more about warehouse sales and expectantly, there are so many going on around singapore (and it's also the usual agents. Sports brands, FURNITURE -.-). Took note of 5 warehouse sales on my phone and set off to meet bobbie at 4 at kallang.

OK i reached there and we set off to the first sale in LANDEX (some warehouse i think lol) which involved brands such as Adidas, Thomas Smith, Princess, Jean Perry, Alain Delon, Cornell, Kelme, Nike, Power rangers, Luzerne. I bought a long sleeved Alain Delon shirt for 15$ and a nike polo for 19.90$. Damn cheap cos the Alain shirt was around 50, and nike polo at least 40. Oh yes, and Bobbie bought a green striped polo and a white polo. I also saw a Feraud polo supposedly for guys but the sizing was for girls. Sizing. I don't mean the cut.

Anyway around 5.30 we went to a hawker center to eat. Fish joined us after being missing for the first part of the day. I bought 3$ of charkway teow, bobs ordered rojak and duckrice, fish ordered curry rice which he finished in 4 minutes. Interestingly, even after all these Im still hungry so we went to some finger food store to buy finger food. But we cannot help but to be put off with the broken english. I forgot what they said onthe signs and cant take a picture of it, but i remember they spelt it "befor" instead of "before". NVM. you should take a look at it. it's almost something you would see in china.

At around 7 we took bus 65 from kallang to wisma for the FCUK, BCBG, Island shop warehouse sales. It was good la. I bought a pair of pants cos the shirts LLB. Bobs bought many more. A top, a top. Oh ya thts it. I forgot la. Fish bought a shirt and a pants. No wait did he buy a shirt? Ah shit. I only remembered tht all the items i bought tht day had at least 70% discount.

It was around 8.30 when we finished shopping. Fish wanted to go home cos we wanted to eat icecream and he had no money. Job our junior joined us for icecream at cathay. We ordered a tub of dublin mudslide which apparently contained BAILEYS. Yes. We tasted the cream, but sadly the alchohol must have been used to cool the icecream instead. Oh yea, it was a chill-out night as so they called it. Some dude came in and sing records like angels and demons, viva la vida, stop and stare, in the end. He had a strong and sharp voice, which sounded good cos he made it sound so easy. People came to watch and i believed he did a really good job. Bobbie also grabbed a job application form to work and ben & jerrys (ok, now we know why).

I DID IT. I BLOGGED IN SHORT DETAIL WHAT HAPPENED IN ONE DAY OF MY LIFE.

But there are like many more days just as fun, or even funner.
And i have no stamina to carry on.

lol.

killsometime

2008-12-09T01:14:00.003+08:00

Ive been staring and stalling at the "new post" page for 2 hrs, wanting to say but avoiding it, longing to explode but curbing it, sliding down the walls of deep thought but wrangling myself out of it.

so, i ended up with this thought on everyone's heads now. how to kill time?

1. read the previous post
2. keep in contact with old friends
3. MUST KEEP IN CONTACT THROUGH NS. PLEASE.
4. Read
5. Purchase "That's how it goes"
6. br8
7. California fitness 2 wks free trial lol

ok so that probably fills up the list for the next weeks..

things to do before enlistment

2008-12-02T16:52:00.001+08:00

ice skate
buffet
sentosa
cut hair :(
badminton
tennis
reach 60kg
twilight
maybe eclipse
maybe new moon
watch the sun

exams prom and everything

2008-12-01T11:19:00.002+08:00

Finally i had a chance to blog although it cant be long cos im going off soon.

So much happened the past few months. too many to say, too verbose to be compacted, too detailed to be summarized, too precious to deserve a short 2-paragraph footnote.

Worked like damn hard the past few months. From 28 in midyrs to 34 raw in prelims, and hopefully, a very good score in the IB. Had loads of fun hanging around with friends, or rather, friend (thanks victoria haha). Hadn't much impression till the last few days before the exams cos everyday was just kinda like studying.

After exams was the funny part. I was like thinking where the hell to hang out. Ended up playing 2.5 hours of tennis then doing drinkning at night.

Nothing much to talk about la. Oh then there was prom. I didn't prepare much for it, just went to shop last minute wif Victoria's family (cos i cant enter robinsons -.-) for a shirt. I love the shirt :) it's a mild-striped shirt from Thomas Smith. The day itself was fun, if not for someone losing his wallet -.- :\ :( But well, its kinda settled already ba.

But what's left after all these aside from content and the knowledge that you're going to do well for the exams is tinged with regret and reminiscence. Regret that you didn't do enough. Regret that you took a step back. Regret that I did not go after. I do sometimes start to regret following my conscience, i do look back and think how could it have been. Why did i step back when everything is so damn obvious? I can't stop thinking about this and can't get it off my head. I would have to stare at my actions and question the fact of why must this be an amalgam of resolve and regret. I must have been a real dense and dumb guy. Or perhaps I'm not, or is it a test of time, or is it a reminder that i can't always trust my inner voice, or is it a prayer spoken, marred by my own flawed, overly precarious, jaded perceptions?

God knows.

Well, I've gtg for a lunch with friends now. AND IM LATE :(

ease up

2008-10-15T23:48:00.002+08:00

Today Victoria told me in the car

"Hey, you need to ease up"

The pressure I mount on myself is not blindly induced, but it's to curb pride and complacency. Although this had done it, the pressure sometimes is a bit too much.

It takes time for me to realize that I've piled so much pressure that I finally sit back and laugh at it.

And it will be the greatest piece of knowledge I will gain this year:

Ease up.

mistake

2008-10-11T22:48:00.001+08:00

loathe stupidity, loathe carelessness.

but no serious sin to commit a mistake once than to repeat the same :)

move on, but apologize,

and be thankful for their care and concern and some's pardon.

no identical mistake ever.

Case of skeptics QP

2008-10-02T23:04:00.003+08:00

The previous post, the case of the skeptics, was a quick paper. Done in 3 hours with little previous preparation except for inspiration and drive.

But this 3200 page paper must be improved! For several things:
1. Spelling errors
2. Structural errors
3. WHERE ARE THE COUNTERCLAIMS? (But please excuse it first, for it's the proposition side.)

Still the longest post ever written, and I think it's something worth researching. I even thought of reading up on stuff on reasoning ability, knowledge, critical theory, and perspectives to gain a better insight to the matter. Well I'm definitely going to read, but how far? And how long, or how good will this whole paper be?

Well, I will plan to write 4 more posts for "the case of the skeptics":
1. The analysis on the 4 levels of knowledge
2. The need for criticism
3. Case against the skeptics
4. Counterclaims for and against skeptics

Damn, it will take some time.

the case of the skeptics

2008-10-01T10:54:00.004+08:00

With the premises of human understanding and limited potential in knowledge gain always results between the conflicts of the skeptics and believers. Though both sides play a functional role to reaching a more whole, all-rounded, tested and refined understanding, the tension between these 2 are biased with a under-recognized view: the biased perception of the skeptic's seemingly more intelligent mind through the eyes of the third or first person. Amongst the reasons for me writing this quick paper is the surfacing of too many superficial believers and skeptics. One theory upon another counter-theory, the formation of rather absurd conspiracy theories, people criticising and being skeptical just for the sake of being different, people being swayed from one belief to another, being convinced by one arguement and another, and falseful manipulation of emotions to achieve these goals had made me think of the case of the skeptic. What I'm talking about now is not my dislike to criticism, but rather, what results to those absurdous superficial criticisms, and thereon, what results to, and causes people to buy into these claims. Also, I'm examining the stance and position the skeptic has in these situations.

Beyond all doubt, understanding towards an issue can never be the same if not for the presence of questions, doubts and criticism. Some seek to clarify, some seek to destroy claims for their joy (not many of these exist though haha), some seek to vitiate claims within the premises of the very fundamental postulates.

What must be understood is that these 2 groups of people play completely different roles, and the success (by how far they had served their roles) isn't measured by the emotions evoked in the argument, but must, instead be weighed in terms of reasoning and understanding towards the situation. Now you will probably be thinking "wtf is this paragraph about?", lol.

The case of skeptics illustrates the advantage skeptics and critics have in an argument. Although there is no reason whatsoever which side should be more powerful in terms of convincing power, the skeptic, I believe, has some advantage in terms of convincing a neutral audience. But before I go on, I must underline this very important model. The 4 levels of knowledge refinement:
Level 1- The innocent believer
Level 2- The innocent skeptic
Level 3- The knowledgable skeptic
Level 4- The knowledgable synthesis between skeptic and believer

By just serving the role of the skeptic and critic, one brings to mind the doubts and weaknesses of the existing belief system. And this evokes emotions and brings to question in the minds of the bystander the validity or credibility of the current belief system. Why does this happen? Amongst the main cause of this is the majority's takes on their beliefs and emotions. Over-reliance on emotions cause loose convictions and weak beliefs held by us in the first place. Many a time, we follow what "seems right" and go after whatever that strikes an emotional resonance within us. And this over-reliance on the gut can be quite fatal. Thus, firstly, is the problem on the side of the believers.

The Weak Believer - Emotionally Swayed

Supplement industries, fat loss firms incite fear upon the viewer by creating a false image of a fat person, that he's undesirable, unhealthy and ugly. The word "fat" is no longer a noun, nor a description, but rather it now takes on a functional role, caused by the advertising fad in the late 20th century. And thus, the desire to look slim elevates amongst people, not jut that being slim is more attractive, but rather, these ads had struck such emotional resonance that they detest the very perception of their size and "fatness", and fear being rejected from their very social circles. They will then introduce their latest drug to combat this very fugly problem, providing reasons like "melting away fat, pulsing them away.." and remember the igallop's reasoning? It said it pulses away fat (tones the butt) by imitating the way the butt feels when it's on a saddle? Anyone could buy into that sort of reasoning, though not many did.

Religious organizations, through their efforts to win someone over, goes through a process of making one feel empty, making him question himself before showing "God" to be the way out. Well, I proudly proclaim myself to be a christian. I'm not against christianity, but rather, I'm against what some people try to do. Although the way they win people over is nothing wrong, but sometimes they prompt them too hard, and that results to a very superficial, emotional-based acceptance of God and proclaimation of a belief. There was once I even met a friend who said that if he were to meet the dumb people, it would be great. Why? Because he will just believe without questioning too much. But this blind, emotional commitment is the very recipe for disbelief and internal disaster when subjected to questioning. If a believer is made to feel empty, and then he is quickly introduced to God, he will find a quick, surging emotional need to fill that void. And thus, he quickly accepts God. However, just as quick and emotional this commitment started off, he will be subject to deep doubt when being asked "how do you even know your God exists?" The major flaw, in some cases, lies not in the believe system, but in the believer.

The Weak Believer - His Associations With The Herd

Our emotional brain led us to make snap judgements based on our gut. The negative consequences of snap judgements (NOT emotions), is insurmountable. Easily influenced by numbers and the herd, the human mind normally tends towards the beliefs of the many, or the herd around him. Which this leads to is a very superficial understanding of the subject matter. As humans are very emotional beings, towards any situation or issue, they will tend to have a certain emotional preference and bias. There is a popular belief that when a group of people come together, the average intelligence and knowledge increases. But this is not always true, in terms of the confines of gaining true knowledge. Consider this situation of a meeting of 4 friends: Ash, Vin, Asa, and Lie. Ash is currently a hardcore democrat, while Asa, not a very hardcore democrat, also supports Obama for his policies which will affect him home country, Indonesia. Vin is a neutral person, and Lie is a neutral voter who was indonesian. The meeting of 4 friends result in a final outcome where all 4 expressed support for Obama. Though one may think that they had a deeper understanding of politics, they had not, because in the meeting, Ash convinces Asa, who then persuades Lie who then influences Vin. All of whom had a one-sided understanding towards the going-ons of the elections. While everyone knew about Obama, none had a comprehensive view of the opposition leader, none of them had a complete understanding towards the candidates and thus the entire elections. Why is this so? Because the conversation is centered on the goodness of Obama as a candidate. Because the group is dominated by pro-Obama supporters, the resultant preferance lie towards Obama, so the overall understanding of the big picture is compromized.

This example illustrate the flaw in our methods of knowing. While so emotionally charged, we are also influenced by the non-neutral herd and thus our understanding and knowledge becomes biased. The implications are huge: firstly, this brings many of the 'knowledge' we have to doubt. Though we claim to believe in something, our opinions may be greatly altered by the confirmation bias of the biased herd. And second, this explains, also, the formation of counter-theories like conspiracy theories. Many of which are based on weak postualtes and assumptions. Why do they materialize? Part of which is due to the emotional brain, and our tendancy to rely on the herd, leading to flawed reasoning and interpretation of matters. This explains the advantage which skeptics have on believers - many believers hadn't much all-rounded understanding towards the matter, but instead, base their understanding from the knowledge of others. It's circular; everyone bases their understanding on each other's knowledge. And this is the power skeptics have: they force the believer to think from another perspective and consider claims which his bias had never allowed him to before. It's quite like a spider web floating in space, not anchored properly on sound assumptions and claims. The attack of even the smallest rock could deform the web and spin it out of control.

Aside from the problems with the believers, the advantage of the skeptics have in an arguement lies in their mere role as the skeptics. What makes skeptics sound so powerful is accentuated by 2 things. As said, it's the fault of believers, as we've discussed earlier, and the easiness it is to be a skeptic.

The Fleeting Attack

Skeptics have a natural advantage over the believers in their ability to raise doubts and cause believes to question themselves. Furthermore, the role of the skeptics is to raise questions, but not answer them. What I mean is, their barrage of questions are not even required to be considered to be answered by the critic. The advantage the skeptic has is that he can take advantage of the limits of human understanding. There are things in this world that we just don't understand. The skeptics take advantage of this and ask "why does this happen? If your belief is true, why is this happening?" Certainly, I'm not stating an excuse for insufficient belief, but the holes every belief has because of the things we don't understand.

"How do you know God is here?"
"Because he works in my life."
"How?"
"Because when i needed help he was there. For examples......blablabla...."
"How do you know if it's him or is it pure luck?"
"Well, he not only worked once, but many times, for example..... he also made the impossbile happen before. For example, he healed my cancer."
"But you should also know that many of these are psychological, I mean, you THINK he's working, but actually it's luck, or even your inner will. This is the confirmation bias, see, when you take a neutral example and interpret it biasedly towards your belief system."
"You may be right, but what's the probability that so many improbable outcomes happen at once?"
"It may well ALL be luck, or thing you don't know which function at the background which aids your luck at that point of time."
"But what's the probability it's all luck?"
"Well, not very high, but it still exists. And for that, the claim of your God is flawed. There's still this tiny chance that your God doesn't exists. And also, you can't hear, feel, smell, nor see him. If he is God, why can't he reveal himself?"

In this conversation between a atheiest and a believer, we can see the arguements the atheist bases his arguement on. The problem here is that, the atheiest is trying to rationalize something far bigger than the confines of our understanding. Something even the believer doesn't understand. The skeptics could take this little portion which no one really fully understands and blow it up, and calling it a serious flaw.

The perfect system

For a believe system to be very sound, it needs to be very, very coherent and work towards the goal of perfection. This is to be able to fend off the attacks of skeptics, as skeptics could take on any small flaw or contradiction in the system, blow it up, and render the entire system flawed. The the above example, the christian believe system is rendered to be flawed because the person can't answer all the questions. But the problem is, not one person would be able to answer the very nature of God, for not one can fully understand that. What makes the skeptic so convincing and powerful the first part of the statement: any small loophole renders it false. What they do not look at is this: not even I, nor anyone, can understand that.

The skeptic attacks a belief with a counter-claim, but had not the need to fully justify it as the believer justified his claim (plus the believer needs full knowledge of the belief to be able to properly couter the critic). The power of the skeptic is in his ability to raise doubts by provoking the emotional functions of the human. Consider a situation of a government decision to build a nuclear plant. The plant is designed such that it's very safe, that any meltdown or even a missile attack on the power plant, the reactor core will remain unaffected.

Reporter - "what if a plane, loaded with explosives, crashes into the power-plant. The consequences are insurmoutable."
Spokesman - "no, as crash tests and computer simulations have shown, that though the power plant will be damaged, the reactor core remains intact and unaffected"
"so what if 3 planes, loaded with 2 tons of explosives, crash simultaneously into the powerplant, the probability of a meltdown must have be very high, right?"
"True, it will be higher. But what is the probability of this happening?"
"Very low, but it still exists."

The critic preys of fear of the people by imagining every situation possible to crack the beliefs and trust people have in a certain claim or belief. Similar to the previous example of the arguement between the atheiest and the believer, the critics create their own circumstances and play on human doubt and emotions, such that even the most improbable of situations will turn out to be very very real. Although things may be very improbable in the minds of the bystander. By taking advatage of human emotions, the sheer improbability of situations turn out be so real. Such as, the fear of a nuclear meltdown turns the risk of the planes crashing into the reactor so real, and so, the critic wins the support of the masses, although his claims are very improbable, not very valid, and actually very funny.

There is no system that is perfect, and very few beliefs to be near perfection. There is always that very small probability of something cropping up. There is always a small aspect of something that we don't fully understand. The critic uses all these, however small or big, to win over the support of the people, to win over the views of the people.

The Chord of Emotion

And as I've discussed earlier, that people are emotional creatures, the critic's claims, whether intentional or not, alters emotions within people and can thus manipulate their viewpoints with little difficulty. Also, the innocently believing will be swayed to be the innocently skeptical people. The problem of all these is that it's circular. Some people are won to beliefs because of their emotional states and what "feels right". And they are swayed by the skeptics who provoke their emotions, and also the emotions of the bystander and makes their claims (seem logical).

One such example is seen in the of the elections in Singapore. Opposition leader speak and speak about the failures of the PAP. Rather common views that I expected. And what do these do? They evoke emotions within the viewer, and by winning over his agreement and support, the supporter is blinded by the opposition's inability to address the issue. It's one thing to raise an issue, but it's a totally different story to try to solve it. The issue here, is that many people are won over by the vituperation of the PAP of their failures and flaws in certain areas. But the problem is, their emotional siding with the opposition (because the criticisms strike an emotional resonance amongst the people, so much that they see the opposition as their savior, their true representative and someone who understands their feelings) had failed consider the true ability of the opposition to do a better job than the PAP. I am not a PAP supporter (neutral btw), and in fact, am unhappy with some of its policies. But the game of the critics and skepticism never ends. It's explored in such superficial levels in fact.

The Offensive

Aside from the perfect system and the emotional resonance effect, the skeptic also has a psychological advantage over the believer in the eyes of the bystander, in my opinion. The skeptic takes on an offensive stance, one who has a point to make, one who has something to prove, one who goes against the system. In some ways, he is seen to have a mind of his own. And the implication is that his views and questions are seen to be well thought-out. It has an adverse effect on the bystander, because the skeptic is not seen to be one of "the masses" who "blindly" follow an idea, but rather, has a clear mind of what he's doing because of his different stance.

In fact, the skeptic IS different. He challenges the views of the people believing something. And this challenge stretches one's beliefs and faith, and thus the power of the skeptic. He creates a tension between himself and the believers, and the belief and the believers. And thus, the influence of the skeptic cannot be understated.

But also, the psychological advantage makes it so easy for a skeptic to be a superficial one, or someone who tries to win public opinion. Again, this is seen in the example of the opposition parties, as they list things detestable about the PAP without fully justifying it. The skeptic is powerful, he's alone, he has his own views, he strikes a resonance within me, he's different, he makes me think. But he can't suggest anything useful either. This advantage makes it so easy to become a skeptic. Or, more specifically, a superficial skeptic.

The case of the skeptics is therefore defined by 2 things: the problem with the believers, and the problem of superficial criticism. These are stemmed by our human nature: the over-reliance on the gut and believing what we want to believe. I believe, the best way to solve this problem is through a process of self-questioning and careful consideration before accepting a view. No quick judgement must be taken, no snap opnions must be accepted at face value. As for the skeptics, he must have a sense of responsiblity. Just as he is concerned with the situation, he must show and effort towards bettering the knowledge, instead of passing fleeting statements. For the bystander, he must understand the effects of emotions, carefully weighing the knowledge advanced and the knowledge created, not just the knowledge challenged in the arguement.

The work towards a better understanding must come with the bettering of knowledge and the using of one's valid reasoning skills. He cannot blindly accept the flow of the norm, nor what seems right to be his belief. He must constantly reflect, and must constantly criticize his beliefs to better his understanding towards the subject. Too, he must accept different opinions and evaluate it through cognitive analysis for the validity of such claims.

Such, is hard to do, and thus, the healing power of the good skeptic can become quite useless.