Wasted
In the quest for knowledge, I have reflected, and failed again. I've lost all purpose I once had, to be honest. The intimacy with my God has now been gone.
YET IM EXTEMELY SURPRISED when some people can't see that i backslid, and thought i am doing well. Yes i am totally conscious about it, and i'm not the type who won't do anything about backsliding, or to let myself be sucked in this deadly motion.
Am i going to step back up? No, or rather, how far am I going to step back up? cos the first question is too obvious.
Sometimes it's time to plan in detail your resolutions and WAKE UP. for now, it's to love God more this year than ever.
I've become a competitive spirit, which is good, and bad in some sense. It leads to envy, which turns to jeaslousy and anger. But this anger is shortlived and i often find it extremely stupid. But competitiveness made me want to prove myself more than anything else. Yes, if anyone was surprised i got no.6 in class with 26 marks, it's cos i studied for it. 90 mins. With the mindset that i wanted to prove myself academically competitive, that i don't want to be marginalized, or sidelined, or looked down upon by the so-called "academic elites" in my class. What an irony when one of my life codes is to live a life where you don't be too self conscious and care so much about how people view you. Contradicting, contrasting, ironic, imperfection.
I realized i've been so explosive now. With a larger amount of vulgarities but still abstaining from what i call more serious ones like hokkien private parts, the f-word n stuff, but honestly what are vulgarities? have you ever questioned them? or do you just not say because someone told u not to? i abstain from them for personal reasons, one of them is that i will drift further away from God because it's not a good testimony. I've been so explosive, my mood swing fluctuates like crazy, tearing my skin in this second and smiling at the stupidity of it after 5. the fuse shorter than i expected, hotter than i intended.
I know many have seen this in me, and some of you guys must have thought, that i've lost a fire. ok not lost, or more like what's once in me died down a little.
Nevertheless I'm still myself, random, seldom-panicky, critical, cutting, thinking, and God never left me. Though some of you guys won't agree. Everyday, literally
everyday, will come a time when God reminded me of Him. What care indeed.
When these times come, i am reminded of a lesson, a lesson of lessons to learn, is to get up upon falling. never too late for God, as long as you still have a breath in you.
I long for knowledge suddenly, i suddenly thirst for it, but i'm always reminded of my anchor. Without whom, thirsting, hungering is wasted, because the remedy is.
Labels: awakening
