Wasted
In the quest for knowledge, I have reflected, and failed again. I've lost all purpose I once had, to be honest. The intimacy with my God has now been gone.
YET IM EXTEMELY SURPRISED when some people can't see that i backslid, and thought i am doing well. Yes i am totally conscious about it, and i'm not the type who won't do anything about backsliding, or to let myself be sucked in this deadly motion.
Am i going to step back up? No, or rather, how far am I going to step back up? cos the first question is too obvious.
Sometimes it's time to plan in detail your resolutions and WAKE UP. for now, it's to love God more this year than ever.
I've become a competitive spirit, which is good, and bad in some sense. It leads to envy, which turns to jeaslousy and anger. But this anger is shortlived and i often find it extremely stupid. But competitiveness made me want to prove myself more than anything else. Yes, if anyone was surprised i got no.6 in class with 26 marks, it's cos i studied for it. 90 mins. With the mindset that i wanted to prove myself academically competitive, that i don't want to be marginalized, or sidelined, or looked down upon by the so-called "academic elites" in my class. What an irony when one of my life codes is to live a life where you don't be too self conscious and care so much about how people view you. Contradicting, contrasting, ironic, imperfection.
I realized i've been so explosive now. With a larger amount of vulgarities but still abstaining from what i call more serious ones like hokkien private parts, the f-word n stuff, but honestly what are vulgarities? have you ever questioned them? or do you just not say because someone told u not to? i abstain from them for personal reasons, one of them is that i will drift further away from God because it's not a good testimony. I've been so explosive, my mood swing fluctuates like crazy, tearing my skin in this second and smiling at the stupidity of it after 5. the fuse shorter than i expected, hotter than i intended.
I know many have seen this in me, and some of you guys must have thought, that i've lost a fire. ok not lost, or more like what's once in me died down a little.
Nevertheless I'm still myself, random, seldom-panicky, critical, cutting, thinking, and God never left me. Though some of you guys won't agree. Everyday, literally
everyday, will come a time when God reminded me of Him. What care indeed.
When these times come, i am reminded of a lesson, a lesson of lessons to learn, is to get up upon falling. never too late for God, as long as you still have a breath in you.
I long for knowledge suddenly, i suddenly thirst for it, but i'm always reminded of my anchor. Without whom, thirsting, hungering is wasted, because the remedy is.
Labels: awakening
Quote
“The greater danger for most of us is not that our aim is too high and we miss it, but that it is too low and we reach it.”
Michelangelo
Call it the quote of the month.You know of it, but when you realize its profoundness you will realize "why didn't i find it important?"
Ok, i won't talk so much but leave this quote behind.
Labels: awakening
conference.
Youth camp is just round the corner. Mark the date down. Ignite conference is in 10 weeks. Keep that date free. Saturate is in may, do you have anything on? Billy Graham is coming tomorrow, Margaret Seaward is speaking on Sunday, Benny Hinn is coming next January. Keep these dates free.
How many more do you want?How bout' those God's generals, those man and women of God who healed thousands, whose words touched many, whose sentences are so profound even to skeptics? How bout' powerful men and women of God, who nurtured themselves with every step of faith? Have we thought about them? We have the 'advantage' don't we.
Sometimes, its just pure optimism that blinds us. You may call me a skeptic, but I have always been like that. You'll get me at the end of it.
There is no "conference", or "messages", or big events. There are none at all. My churchmate said "everyday can be a conference". These huge events, are meant, to be really really significant. But are we treating them that way? We mark our dates for the conference, but nothing is happening within those days. What we do is to listen, and to agree. Have we clearly listened to what it's all about, or actually knew and beheld the potential power that can be realeased in you, if you say "yes God, i will do it".
Nothing is a conference. It's only one when it happens to you. Quit saying that "ignite conference is good", "synergiz was empowering", "the speaker is excellent"
OF COURSE IT IS EMPOWERING. OF COURSE IT IS GOOD. (why do you think they invite those speakers if they were lousy? why do you think they planned a year plus for this event? Why do you think they pray so hard for God to guide them? and yes i have predicted that for every conference and event and i was never wrong yet.). And in a less religious aspect, it is a big event, the speakers are world-known, of course it is good. And in a psychological aspect, they preach messages to tell you you are significant in God's eyes, and you are forgiven if you repent (bring u closer to God), and you can do anything through Christ who strengthens you, phillipians 4:13. And yes, they are all true. They get you all charged up and committed.
But realize they aren't any more than emotional memories and revised knowledge and one more reminder?Everyday can be a conference. QT can be your conference. A church service can be your conference. A conference, is, therefore, anything. then what's the use of the big thousand-people events? to attract attention? To make it bigger? Yes stupid as it sounds, it's to make it bigger. It's focussed on igniting you, getting you back to God, and like a hammer to your head, to tell you you are God's child. And also to get people to God. A conference, a focussed event, like youth camp, is meant to redirect your life, serving as a bigger step towards God, and a firmer, more confident and stronger one.
Therefore a conference is nothing unless it happens in you. It is nothing for you to know how God works, how he love you, that he forgives you and that you are made whole and that you can do all things through Him who strengthens you.
APPLIED knowledge is power. And in this, knowledge is the knowledge of God. What's the use of attending another conference, learning about God, and not applying it to your life?
What's the use of going for this conference and the next if nothing is changed in you?
Let these events be internalized in you. Looking back at those God's warriors of the past, they don't attend as many conferences and events we youths do today. Conferences do serve their purposes. Don't look at those speakers and nod. Realize it, internalize it and pray for God to show you its worth.
Labels: christian-bboy, ilovemebutGodlovesmemore
Cutting time!
hey all! time to cut fat!!!
Stats:
34-27-29
Weight: 57
Ratio: bench- 1.3675, lat-1.275, Deadlift- 1.67, Legpress- 2.153, Row- 1.0, Pushdown- 0.558, Curl- 0.603
Target mass = 54.5kg, with a maximum tolerated drop of 5% of strength ratio.
End date- 9 Mar 2008 (8wks)
*This is to keep me accountable.
Labels: christian-bboy
BAN KAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!!!!!!!!!!!!!Labels: out
it's quite weird rite,
to want to face the challenges of the past and see how you handle it?
how you recover from a fall,how you keep yourself from making the same mistake again.i like to do that. yes it's quite stupid.
but i like to make things hard for myself (sometimes), for example, for exams.
this isn't a good example to follow at all.I like making things hard and see how i cope with it.When work comes in, i don't normally die under the stress. i see how i handle the stress. and put myself to the test.
kinda fun sometimes
but more kinda weird really.Labels: christian-bboy
invisible.
Maybe every step along the way is a process of refinement.Maybe insignificance is gold.Given so much of my effort,feeling and being there and hurting and praying,isn't it great that existence, awareness is a double-tipped spear?I hate war poems.
Labels: friends n loved ones, Literary
3 assg day
3 assignment day!
econs IA, chinese IA, EE survey.
chinese IA. dono any shit abt it till 6 hours ago. did major cleanups but allocated 1.2 hour to doing it.
econs IA, did freaking major cleanups, graphs draw tomolo. allocated 1.5 hour doing it too.
survey, did the whole survey and got it up, but finding somewhere where i can distribute and get responses. allocated 1.3 hours doing it.
what the heck. 4 hours of work today. start at 840, end at 1240. with a few breaks here and there.
most "hectic" day which doesnt feel stressed at all.
more to come from IB!!!
ps. it almost became 4 assg. when alistair chew withdrew 1. phew.
Labels: christian-bboy
The most important
And i must add this to my resolutions:
To love God more than i did last year.Last year i accomplished this resolution, it's the most important of all resolutions. And i'm so glad it was.
Print it on every wall to hilight the great significance and importance of it.
Labels: resolutions
The simplest and easiest road in search of "emotionlessness".
Many a time i felt that i've been viewed as an emotionless guy. Alrite or maybe more of the non-emotional kind. But well, it's not what I am. Before i go on i hope it's not confused, or later hastily concluded that emotion is the anti-reason. Not always the case.
Yea i've been known to go crazy and lose myself when I'm high, or not high. Practically all the time, with my friends i do go crazy. But isnt' that full of emotion, expression and spirit?
I remembered a message pastor preached 2 years back. It's the few messages that stayed in me as if they were spoken yesterday. Simple, concise, profound message. It's about the way people recover from life crises.
He compared a typical situation which any person could go through 10 steps before the matter is solved (disbelief, belief, acceptance, blaming & anger, arguements, cooling down & apologizing, getting relevant people involved, praying, taking measures to solve the problem, problem solved)-i don't remember all 10 bt im sure i got 6 right. , Vs. a steadfast person who only needs to go through 4 (acceptance, praying and commiting to God, taking measures to solve the problem, problem solved).It's too easy to mouth these steps, while putting them to practice is unquestionably uncommon and unwelcomed. Because it's human nature to tend to be loved and cared and given attention, resulting in what's called "emoing". And it's also our nature to not shoulder the full responsibility, and thus the blaming. How long more should we get trapped in the cycle? What less attention should we give to devoting less energies, ironically?
Don't get me wrong by saying it's not alrite to mourn, grief, anger. It's all fine. It's quite abnormal to not grief over the death of a loved one, or not get angry when you are taken advantage of by your closest. What's not is that we drag them on. A time approaches when we should say "it's time to move on", and it should'nt be too late.
Let not the sun set on your anger. Let not your life be overwhelmed with grief. As large a part of you it takes up, there comes a time to move on because, in some cases nothing's practical to remedy.When a problem surfaces in my life, or a huge emotional impact occurs, the first thing that happens is, of course, the emotional surge. If it's good, then let it be (duh). If it's negative, man i gotta do something about it. There was once last year i got hit by this immense emotional hurt. After feeling loss, sadness for few days, i rememberd the message by pastor, and decided to move on. After all, firstly nothing practical can remedy, and secondly, even after it's remedied, it's ten thousand times worse. I immediately got up to get over the hurt and "it's time to move on". Yes and I moved on. It's
not easy definitely, but it's faster to get my butt moving than to stay there and emo and complain and be saddened.
Perhaps one day there will be less tears, when we get to helping each other out. As we suffer for our family and best friends, perhaps a day dawns when we both feel for them, and do for them, and walk with them. Instead of the tedious, predictable 10 steps we can take, cut it down to a practical 4, where there's nothing to lose. Let's get emotional, but in a way for a greater good.
Though powerful, enriching, and sometimes edifying (and makes you more so-called humane), lets not let them consume us all the time.Labels: christian-bboy
cca fair
well this is acsi's CCA fair. and TODAY was it. i was so surprised for i had known NOTHING about it ever! no info is disseminated (mayb i din receive it). But thank God we have an exercise book, laptop and 2 tables to save the day. yes. it's the booth with the LEAST items.
3. including a makeshift sign i made by writing "dance" in bold letters and displaying it on the table.
amazingly, without any prior preparation, props, nor demonstrations, we managed to get
57 people to sign up! yes, there are more gurls this year, but yes, a number of guys signed up too! we were all kinda
surprised and unquestionably satisfied.
Thanks Jesmond for manning the booth before anyone of us came down. Thanks Wei Tsin, Lucy for being there cos' you guys have nothing to do with the orientation but still chose to go :) Oh thank you Fish for dropping by too (and using your attractiveness, posing attractively attracting year 5s to dance's attractiveness. -.-). Thank you all who came down to the booth, Jaime, Michelle, Ama, Edmund, 2 sec 4s, Anderson, Nico, and some more of you guys. Thanks for helping out and advertising and stuff.
Praise the Lord! We've got hold of 57 students... for now.
Labels: school
Resolutions
there comes a time every year we set our goals. set our aims on what we wanna achieve for the next year. i realized that i didn't have any the last year.
realize when you set aims and goals you get so inspired? This' the 'chronicle' of the resolution. they inspire you and then break you. you make a set of goals to break yourself. stupid you may think but it's not at all.
it's so common for a person to set the new year's resolutions, and forget all of it, and fail in every way possible.
- if you fail to plan, you plan to failthe common saying.carrying out the plans, achieving your will is the other half. usually, more often than not, the day after 1st jan, we are on the road to failure. we must know the consequences of our goals, the effort involved to realizing it; nothing comes totally free of charge. We must look back on what we planned, look at the challenges ahead and fufill our goals and resolutions. therefore, ironically our first resolution, is to fufill our resolutions. maybe you can't fufill all, but substantial effort must be observed by yourself.
resolutions:
1. to fufill my resolutions.
2. be a more considerate person
3. come church more often4. teach my student a powermove and get him to battle std. style
5. i wanna overburn physically through bboying 3 times this yr.6. achieve a weight (mass) of 60kg
7. bench ratio of 1.68. 40 pullups 9. consistent under 10 minute 2.4km 10. at least 29 points for NAPHA11. get 36 points for midyears12. get 38 points for prelims13. to be a better friend to the ones closest to me.
14. get into the top 4 for any bboy competition.
15. to be a responsible and deserving vice president for dance venia.16. save $50 per month.
so here are the 15. i've gotta print them out.
keep me accountable please.Labels: resolutions
