every man
So what does it take to truly say that you have cared for your friend? Again and again we have realized that we have failed to live up to the prime examples we beheld, coming short of expectations we have for ourselves as pals of your contemporaries.
This is a statement hilighting my hypocrisy.
I have never cared for my friends for a very long time. Ever since... man thats so long ago. Months of solicity, bla bla bla.
I have constantly tested them.
I have constantly failed to tell them my most honest feelings.
I have constantly failed to give them true advice.
I have constantly failed to be available for them when they needed someone.
I have constantly enforced radio silence so to not get into their sticky matters.
I have constantly assumed things would fix themselves so I could have some rest.
I have constantly failed to enquire for their souls.
I have constantly failed to account for their actions.
I had not really cared, and in fact do not really care for anything at all. How come had I suddenly become this? Maybe this requires some mental strength for me to think and remain on track, to even show basic care for others even if I am irritated, ignored, angry, horribly tired, disoriented, dispersed, disintegrated.
Damn, this will not do good. This will not.
Labels: friends n loved ones, friendship, God
I found out that faith, hope and love do last forever
The problem of losing hope is the sure dope to one's journey. Jesus said that there are three things that will last forever: Faith, Hope and Love. How true is this statement. They are the three which keeps people going through the rough times as they will bear in heart that there is a light at the end of the tunnel.
It all started with something called unaccountability. It is about committing myself to something of which I know I had not the capacity nor the will to handle. That was the first mistake, though I truly do want, at that time, to be the one I volunteered to be, I had a feeling that something is not going to be right. It was true. Be it diffidence, be it complex, be it my diamond-faceted brain, it was true as I predicted to be.
Then it came hypocrisy. No one has any idea how much hypocrisy can kill until he is the victim of one. What I'm saying is not merely double standards. It's the fact that one does not act out what he say to his convenience. It is when one says stuff for he sake of saying, or says it because it was expected of them, to be proper individuals and hence, politically correct. It is when you befriend someone for a motive, it is when you say something which affects another's soul for the sake of sounding correct, but in fact, you do not act out or believe what you say. Hypocrisy is widespread. One does not need to be in a position of responsibility to see the double-standards, it is even rampant amongst friends. How many times we said we would be best friends and 'there for each other', but in fact just shrug off our friends' problems by saying the magic words 'I will pray for you'? It is something which I saw destroy a once strong and fiery warrior of God. No matter how much I tried to help, it completely futile. One has no idea on how much his hypocrisy can bring down his friend, acquaintance, or partner.
Next in line is the issue of trust. Trust is something I really believe in, in which I mean I put little trust in people around me generally, because I believe that trust is to be built. I seldom reveal stuff to people unless they got my utmost trust. Though I can let bygones be bygones rather easily, the trust which once were, and was broken will take few times the time it took to be built. Having read books which tackle the issue of trust, having witnessed people around me breaking each other's trust, it destroys the prospect of faith in our lives.
And plus, with the spin generated by the fear of failure, it is a downward spiral. Never again did I put a fraction of trust in another person ever since my wrecked first shot. Never again did I believe what anyone says after witnessing so much empty talk. We start to lose faith in each other, in terms of what each other says, believes, and more pertinently, our faith in trust. Problem is that we are all human and are vulnerable to lying and cheating. But trust as it is, is like a black stain on a white sheet. A few dots won't make a difference. Many grey dots mar the paper. And the stains are hard to remove.
I had always believed in human's good side. It's my philosophy that we humans are weak, and it's easy to think that way. It's easy to look at the bad side of humans, but what matters is to look at what the can be, have faith that they can be better people. Hope in what difference love can do to a person, hope in what the presence of God in one can change him. As you would predict, hope is lost also. How many proclaim to be christians but there was no God in them? How many do I see say 2 different things in church and outside? How many strong christians do I predict will fall within 1 year and in fact did? It is not hard to predict, and that is the seriousness of double-faced hypocrisy.
That explains my behavior sometimes. I make satirical comments, I set traps for people to fall inside, I test people and I have a knack of escape. This is to be a living satire of the world's undesirables. Not like I'm damn pro or that everyone will listen to me, but that I twisted myself and felt the pain in the joint, it is certainly painful to be mangled here and there.
However, albeit my satirical antics, sarcastic maneuvers, unexplained social tests, I believe that all these problems are made by man and attributed to our shortcomings and ignorance to help others, love God, and help ourselves. But it batters me when one by one, people fall around me, dissolve into sand, and was a shadow of who they once were. And it comes to the point when I am at crossroads everyday, every hour in my life. I said before in fireac, does your strength in God as a christian rely on him or on your social circle? What if one day you realize all your leaders were to fall from grace, would you hold fast to God and find out why, or will you follow your leaders and lose faith immediately? That was what I said then, and I still believe in it now. Now that I have witnessed it, I say this: it is too hard to think.
Friends as I know are bonded in common ground. Especially guys. Girls are a little more dynamic and flexible, as it's easier to find common emotional ground (oh yes, that's how they get bitchfights and gossip too, oh yes again, another bonding tool for gurls). Guys, on the other hand, are less willing to talk on the emotional side, cos firstly, they are simply not as emotional as girls, but more importantly, I feel that the masculine side always steps in and say "hey take it like a man dude". With the loss of friends comes to a place where I know not where to go. I am not interested in meeting people here and there. I have 548 friends on facebook. But what's the use of the tally? It means nothing to me, it's just a measure at least of how many times I've said 'hi' in my 19 years, which is certainly many more than 548. New people come to add me, new people I add, but it amounts to nothing when not one is interested in your soul.
The problem now is not the lack of contacts. In this age, it's all overflow. Our minds, our attention, and our needs are so many that they are spread thinner than silk. We have no real confidante, we lack real tight friends we actually need, we lack core values which we thought were too traditional. We do not really care about one another. As I said so many times before, there are too many things and people in my life who are not Terribly Important People (TIP) to me. Perhaps my ignorance had finally found its price. Or maybe its because everyone is naturally drifting.
My last few posts were about friendship. Or maybe at least half of them. But why is it? Because I know that it's something not fully understood by all of us. Because I am starting to find out more about people. It's because I finally realized that I am extremely dependent on friends, not the no-need-friends-also-can-survive type. Though possessing mental strength like steel, it could not hold up to the coming of a tide which washes all away. The closest of which now do not understand my language. We few are still relatively close as a bunch, but sometimes to comes to a period where I'm speaking in foreign language. This will be another time when I look at the sky and with hope say 'no one knows me'.
I feel that I am slipping to a slope of depression. It is when one loses hope of everything becoming good again, it's when one lose faith on everything ever to be self-righted. It is when one does not register love. It is when I actually lose all motivation on tasks at hand. I lost all drive to complete anything I started, anything given to me, anything I was tasked to do. I have no intention to excel, to try, or to work and fight for things which once use to start my engines. Not only do the loss of faith, hope and love affect my spirit, it affects every other part of me. Though we be isolated and insulated like a lonely nation, all we need is a note from any lullaby of love to lighten and liven our spirits, to let loose our hopelessness, to give us faith and trust, to show me that there is a light at the end of the tunnel again.
Though it may be the end of school, though it may be a time when I do not see anyone for 5.5 days a week, though there will be 6 weeks when I can't contact anyone, though I am isolated from this world, I would not want to believe that I will lose all who I held close. Not please.
Labels: friendship, heart, lament, love
