There are the ones who crack under pressure. The instructors said that it's easy to see the whayang ones. Those who have something to prove, those who have a clear goal and act like they have always something to prove. Goal as in being an SOC in the near future. Super Officer Cadet.
Having met some of those people, I had, too, also met those who are dense. Those who had COMPLETELY NO IDEA of others' opinion on them, who hadn't the faintest knowledge of the implication of one simple and defining action, who hadn't half an ounce's sense to realize that they are destroying themselves, and have a kiloton of imagination that they are getting away unscrewed.
At the same time, I've met really unselfish, responsible and nice people. I don't use the word "nice" to describe anyone usually. Because everyone is nice in a sense. Freddie is like da bomb man. Once I woke up at 1.30am and asked him to accompany me to the laterine, he agreed. But when he asked me the same question at 5am, I could not agree cos my body was freezing. Then later, I wanted to go to the laterine, he accompanied me again (we have to go with our buddies). John is a responsible, unselfish, accomodating and helpful bunkmate. Nuff said. Finish. Earnest is another unselfish, thoughtful, though shadingly unreserved guy. Just giving few examples from my side of the bunk la. It's these people who really make your life in army more fun, all the more easier and enjoyable. Those selfish people, or people who look solely at their suffering, disregarding others' adversities are so infectious. They possess a virus which spreads and make you want to be selfish because you fear being taken advantage of and stuff (which happens reasonably many times).
I should be less selfish. I will and must actively strive to be less selfish for the days ahead.
Labels: friends n loved ones, national service
sec three
As i turned my head around to watch the news-depicted winter olympics, my memories were brought back to sec 3, when xianyi was crippled cos of a stunt he did during the hockey match. He tried to show off braking at full speed by jamming his heel sideways, but his body momentum was just too fast. So, he ended off crippled, spending his time in the hospital office watching the winter olympics while we are watching the snow-white marker-stained board in our classes.
Brings back to memories the times of sec 3, where there are no worries at all. It makes me feel like a kid living school life with the abandonment of a toddler in the playground. The only difference is that I know how to prevent injury. It was like a free hang-out session after school, bumming around in school, going for sessions, bboy, bboy, bboy. Edmund would come my class in between lessons to break. We would 'study' in the library as Edmund is some lian magnet. Also discussing about Cheuk Ho and his 3000-ampere-electromagnet exploits. Going jurong for lunch and would always eat chinese dumplings. One or two random events popping out in the middle making experiences more interesting.
Amongst the most significant events was Edmund falling on his face, which sucks to the maxmaxmax. It was a time we came together as a crew, the new-formed kyensai generation of friends. And of course, another significant event was the formation of kyensai on 15th Feb. The name had always meant something. Even if we stopped bboying for a while, even if we cut down on practice so damn much, even though I hadn't bboyed properly for half a year, even though we hadn't met up as much, the name and mention of 'Kyensai' still stirs something within me. They are the group of friends who I always have and never will I have to worry about solitarism through testing, grinding times.
So much to recount in this one year, though the hopes and possibility of ever living it were so hermetically sealed, lights and sounds from the year's joy and laughter, tears and sorrow still pervades.
Labels: friends n loved ones, kyensai, life, memories
dreams
CB. Dreams can really alter your course of thought, direction and resolutions. Completely veer you off course, or to another course. Completely sweep your feet off the floor. They remind you of another course of life you could have taken, they edify you like honeycomb sweet to the soul, or haunt you like a million spears etched with acid splitting the marrow of your bones.
Just as things seem to be going on well and smoothly, dreams can destroy it. In a positive note, TRY to destroy it. Dreams I mean the ones you encounter in sleep. I tell you they suck sometimes. Waking up can't believe it's not real, and praying it wasn't. It's like the concept of doublethink, believing something and wanting to not believe in the same at the same time. At times worst, it keeps you awake at night. Try to sleep fast, lest a heavy anchor with slippery chains plough itself at your bedside. Try to distract yourself, in prevention for a back-door-surprise. Keep yourself busy with new hobbies and new people, so if you get that jack-in-the-box again, you would just laugh it off.
But I would prefer to face it on its own. With God alone. It's the best way to get over a problem. The best way to fix a fault, the most effective method for scabbing, the truest resolution for a devastation, the cleanest fixation for the dirtiest delusion. Burnish.
Labels: morphine, solitary
through motions
have it ever occured to you that your life is going through the motions?
Every action, plan and scheme drawn to fill up the weekends, looking forward to bookouts, looking for university and a course of study.
And so to get a good pay, a good job, maybe a good wife, a good family.
Unless you have a philosophy, or life is given meaning, it will be different. Maybe it pays off to look outside of life.
Labels: jab
wk 6 BMT
An early bookout lands me in fish&co with bob, pei, and james. A dinner of fresh and layered swordfish collar is extremely enticing, but was dashed with equal layers of deep-fried crumbs.
This week was the week in which we got the last number of punishments. We increased our standard, plus, RANGE DAY, so nothing much they could do anyway. I was perfect in practice sessions scoring 16/16, but was outcasted to the "bobo shooters" when I didnt hit the target 6 times. When I realized that I got lane 14 for the shoot, I was like.. SHIT. The figure 15 target on my lane will not drop no matter how accurately and center I aimed at it. Oh yes, my lane was closed before my turn because of the figure 15 target malfunction also. Moreover, my rifle was so dry and oil-less on my last magazine that they had to force-cock it to extract the empty cartridge and reload every shot I took. What fun. Even though with the companionship of 1984 and my mates, it was still dry.
So many things to do this weekend, as if there are enough hours for that. Choreo dance, buy shoe and drinks and books. Time to roll.
Labels: national service
kyensai day n4
IT's been quite some time since we sessioned.
But happy birthday kyensai :) you're four years old.
Though it's a great night at the Arena, and possibly a memorable lunch at turf city, we will have to meet soon.
Labels: kyensai
cliched word: sorry
When I first realized that this word is a requirement (according to the masses) for forgiveness, I began to reflect on the importance and implications of the utterance of the word "sorry".
It's a word spoken out of humility and understanding, empathy towards someone else's feelings knowing that you have disappointed them. Whereby spoken, you willingly lower your pride, filled with regret hoping you could have done something to remedy the situation, hoping you could have done something to take back what you did. It's the reverser to your ignorance towards another's hopes, feelings, and the entire situation.
Like any other word which enquires about another's soul, like any other word which associates with faith, hope and love, this word, and all other words and phrases and clauses and sentences of this kind must be spoken with sincerity and truthfulness, unless you are armed with a motive to harm another person.
This word is another of the most cliched words ever used. The golden key for forgiveness, the push-button for an escape from punishment, with a dash of hypocrisy. An immediate effect to shut the other party up. During the course of army, we've all seen this word used many times. But the problem is, it seldom mean anything. Because first, the mistake is made again and again, so despite the unending number of "sorry"s, it doesn't convey real regret nor remorse in the offender's part. And second, it's spoken with more of cowardice than remorse.
For example, during a fall-in to check-clear our weapons, some of our platoonmates were late because they can't find bayonets, or because they sprained their ankle and stuff. So they were limping, or proceeding down the stairs. We were all pushing them shouting "platoon 3 hurry up!". Then this guy went to shout "you better hurry up or I will take my rifle and ......." (expletive). Not only he said that once, but he spoke in such threatening manner to them. I could stand it no longer, so I told him off, telling him "is this the way you talk to your platoonmates?". I bet everyone is feeling the same indignance towards his behavior, just that I happened to stand beside him, so it's most convenient to whack him. What happened next is behavior of utmost irresponsibility and cowardice. He lowered himself, with eyes spelling the human emotion of s.u.r.p.r.i.s.e, and a dash of fear in the face of cowardice, he said sorry to ME.
And also, other times when he was making lots of noise causing an irritation, and when he was reprimanded, he would say the same old sorry to the commander or the platoonmate, as he fails to realize who he really offended is the other platoonmates. Yes, lowering your head is one way to get around authorities. But do you see me lowering my eyes around commanders, giving that "sorry" when being told off, behaving in a totally different way around commanders, trying to earn their recognition by being very garang only in front of them? It takes a bit of effort in one's part to be honest with oneself and have integrity towards the people around him. An honest question deserves an honest answer. A directed interrogation requires a straight-up reply. Not the 'sorry', not the ticket to stop the interrogation.
This extremely abused word is directed almost always at the wrong person. In army especially, it's directed on the person who told you off, instead of the one who is offended, wrong, or hurt, harmed, made disadvantageous. If you lost your wallet, and your sergeant reprimands you for your carelessness, do you say sorry to HIM? You should be sorrry for yourself for losing your wallet! You should admit your carelessness to yourself and realize it's your mistake! All that sergeant is doing is to help you realize your mistake by reprimanding you. I believe it's the repsonsibility of oneself towards himself, all part of self-discipline.
I have no resentment with the use of this word. Because I known of cases of this word doing wonders. But in contradiction, this word when abused, do reveal the not-so-pretty characteristics of one. When questioned by a commander on why one committed an error, an expected word to fly out of the offender's lips is "sorry". No admittance for the reason of your neglect, an inadequate excuse, but the simple 5-letter-S-word. You should be sorry for yourself most the time for not taking care of your own stuff. Instead of living in the mercy, living in the shadows of a command, I believe one should take control of his own conscience.
And also, an unsaid rule, promises are meant to be kept, and words of such are meant to be acknowledged. What's the use of saying 1000 5-letter-S-words (SLSW) when not one truly mean anything? What's the use of mouthing the word again and again just to make the mistake one more time than the number of times you said it? Trust is to be earned (that's what we all know), but it's easier to lose it than earn a fraction of it back (that's what we assume we know). But if one really really means it, this cliched word is amongst the most powerful words ever.
Labels: national service, voice
hand spoil
It was something different to be stand in the status row, to be the observers of training. I never thought I would get status, but my hand got spoilt because of shell-scrape digging. The tendons ache and I can't grip properly, resulting to an inefficient use of the palm muscle. Oh yes, the number of people on status (unable to take part in training due to sickness or injuries) have increased by alot. It started out with 3 on sunday, then to around 4 or monday. After that, it exploded, ending off with 15 (out of 49 total in my platoon) people on the last day of the week. Platoon 3 has 5 sections! Jaguar has an observation platoon :\
I finally achieved IPPT GOLD! I thought there would be an early bookout, but it's cancelled because of our slow movement. I was pushing myself and thinking that if a 20-second cut in my 2.4 time would result to a 5 hour early bookout, why not push all the way? And my time was 9.41, 20 seconds faster than my normal 2.4. And so, here's one goal reached.
Does alcohol ease fever? Before going out with sectionmates yesterday, I had a slight fever with 37.5. After the large can of baron's, the fever disappeared. I was like playing tipsy battlefield and CS. Damn fun. Great experience with sectionmates. And it's been ages since I've touched LAN.
Labels: national service
themutualunderstanding
I talked to xf on the bus today and we were talking about relationships, including bgr and friendship and again makes me reflect once again on this topic.
It's the nth number of time I know relationships between a guy and a girl cock-up due to really stupid, not-worth-it and avoidable causes. Makes me wonder what is this gap between the 2 sexes which are always over-complicated by people, most of the time, the over-suspecting party?
The way I treat friends is quite to extremes. When I regard one as a close friend I would take time off my schedule and push back whatever thing is on the way and spend time with him or her. But if he or she is not, I wouldn't really care if he or she disappears in my life tomorrow. Xf said that it was saddening and irritating that although he cares so much for us kyensai, sometimes we do not give 2 hoots about any requests he suggested to bond us together.
I believe in a close circle of friends, brothers who will be with me in every step of life. I don't normally hang around different groups every week, flitting from gang to gang, getting invited from one place to another. Also, kyensai is a unit, a tight unit of friends who are there to understand each other and sacrifice for each other. I hope.
Another thing I find to be of utmost importance between friends in trust. They don't lie to each other, a bonding mortar to be earned through passages of time and the dark valleys of adversities.
Its such an amazing thing in this world, a mutual undertanding and bonding between 2 people. Yet so complex because each doens't see it at the same level. When that happens, comes disappointment. I think it's much more than saying "i will be there for you". I think that phrase is an overused password to secure oneself as another's hang-out partner. It doesn't really mean anything when said most of the time, it's quite as useless as saying "I love you" when you don't mean it. It's as good as giving someone a well-disguised blank look and finally saying "I'll pray for you" when first, you didn't pray for him, second, you forgot wtf he just said.
Well I hope you few people in kyensai and some outside just know how much I treasure you guys. Your company and your advice, your listening ear and intellectual(less) minds, and I assure I will reciporcate. I am a man of my word, whatever I say I will live up to it. Next up is the kyensai anniversary lunch, and I make sure the turnup will be as complete as possible.
Labels: friendship
fieldcamp.
Here's this next issue:
Week 4 and 5 of BMT. Expectantly. But the main focus should not be on such as I'm not much for talking about experiences but find contentment in the derivation of deeper values extracted from these 2 weeks, which are instilled within me.
It had been field camp. field camp field campfieldcampfieldcampfieldcampfieldcampstunfieldcamp.
For those who hadn't ventured into the beauty of nature and immersed himself in the magnificent expanse of flora and green, it's the perfect opportunity to do so. Despite having not to bathe for 6 days, digging your own shithole hoping your ET blade doesn't make a surprise visit on a days-old shitpile, rushing here and there, kena all the saikang of platoon ic, it had been fine and somewhat fun. Cos of all my buddies and some of the classes. UO.
For those who are going to go to field camp, be prepared mentally and expect the worst shit balls is hairy experience you will ever come through during BMT. After that, it's gone! Oh yes, be on time, beware of your rifle and bayonet and magazines blablabla. MUST.
Quite alot to say but not much drive to discuss about it.
Seks.
I've got stuff in my head instead.
Labels: national service
