self-examination
How do you get drive? I mean, some people are so driven, and so passionate about attaining, and achieving something. They can sustain that drive for a long period of time, I was thinking, how on earth do you get this kind of drive?
I'm feeling that it is great that I like what I'm doing, but it sucks that I have no overwhelming drive or motivation to continue with fervor. What the heck. Those who are described to be driven have a direction and a goal in their mind, that we all know. But thing is what drives them to continue this path?
Part of it is hunger. They are hungry for something they dreamed for a long time. Maybe it marries imagination with belief. If either one is missing, the drive will be short lived, extrinsically inspired and self-destructive.
So now I get it, I haven't much belief in myself because of my age. Any time these doubts come to my mind I would ignore it and shove it out, but I never addressed it. I never came to deal with the attitude and actions I should adopt because I have fallen so far behind. I am extremely contented to help the next generations, because I want them to end up better than I was, but for me, the little regard is contradicting the ingrown desire to succeed. Like a thorn at the side, like a sword with a scalding hilt.
I have little idea and motivation to achieve. Just the joy of doing what I love to do. To put simply, I don't really give a shit for what my level is compared to others, don't really care if I come out tops. Because I am trying to avoid disappointment, letdown of not fulfilling my dreams. In many ways, unwillingness to go through pain and periods of lows. Hence, I gave it up altogether to safeguard myself from the painful and degrading effects of the above.
Also, the loss of believe in myself for being able to push through. I have stopped for a long long time before I continued. A total of around 1 year and 3 months. For a long time, I tried to continue, even during NS, I tried, but no one would. I called for sessions but no one would turn up. Even I am not able to practice alone, like I do now. Sometimes, I practice 13 hours a week, but on the next week, 1 hour only. Because of this inconsistency, I could not improve properly, it was stagnation at its best. An improvement every practice, but I would forget those very improvements the next session. So it seems at that time, as if no matter how long I practiced I would remain the same. I started to lose inspiration, because I would not feel good if nothing new or fresh comes out every practice. At the same time, my some of my peers are practising a lot, and made great improvements, they caught up, and surpassed. That, is very demoralizing. Not the surpassing part, but the part where I cannot improve but they did. It makes me lose belief in my ability. Strangely, though I knew the cause of non-improvement is lack of practice, I lost that drive, and that belief in myself. Most of all, I lost belief that I could even keep up that basic discipline of consistent practise.
Some people break to impress. Some break because they love it. But if one don't want to impress but love it, is easier to improve, and more valid to be so. But may be too easily contented, and not have motivation to burst through.
