her
I remembered when I first came for the testing. Fun it was, and engaging, while me myself not knowst anything about her, not familiar with a speck of it. But only have a shovel of words come between us. Unverified, empty rumors stole me away from what I came to love. Words describing everything false, something which wiped my views, bleached my intent, and inexorably left my mind unwavered in decision. The call of a friend didn't do much, coaxing was no medicine, I fell away from it, my reason stained with false consciousness of what was never true. I walked away from something that was gray during that time.
And it must be the chinese festival to delve me into deepening introspection, I reconsidered my options, as one that I already had was slipping from my interests, was slipping from my passions. I hadn't much to do with. And with the rise of the sun and the dawn of fridays I would ask myself till one day I was left with nothing but deep regret. A previous interest had died, because the lure of this was overpowering. I looked at her with extreme regret, for I felt I can't get her back no more. She was always within me, introduced to me since I was 4, I grew to hate her, because of how everyone chose to associate us when we were in our age of innocence.
Time clicked. Days drew to weeks, to months, and till I must confide in a close friend about this problem, as I mourn silently of my folly of not making the choice, laugh at my foolishness of being so gullible, being so blind. Much did me friend, to convince her parents, the only legal barrier between us. So excited her parents were with the mention of my 'return', splits are perhaps, a major factor.
Finally, I got accepted in the 6th month, I savored her juices, and practiced as I could, learning the ways to be with her. I am a quick learner, and I picked up much and learned much in the first few months, and came our first kiss in july, from which derive emotions an amalgam of achievement and passion. But for that, it was almost all that was left for the year, as I had ignored her. But for all I ever wanted, I neglected her, never treated her the way she deserved, never gave her all my attention, was never fully devoted to her, wasn't there every time when she needed me.
Her parents were forgiving, they were the true ones who helped me through. She was supposed to be beautiful, she was supposed to be passionate and awe-consuming, she was supposed to overwhelm. Few truly understand her, and as much as I know the vastness of my talents, there was never a time complacency undecieved me.
I returned to her, mutually, and, with much external circumstances, we are brought together again, not as passionate as before. But with time, I discovered her many sides, multi-faceted, she brings out everything expressible in me, something I never fully understood, and will only grow to better understand. I knew not tenacity, I knew not expression, I knew not devotion, I knew little, as if I've never spent any with her ever before.
But never had she left my heart, though far, she remained near, my publicly-proclaimed secret love. And time had it, as I would have speculated, that she had to leave. It so came to my senses in June, like a bullet, it penetrated through my fragile skin, cutting me down to smithereens. How much I owed her, how much I needed her, how much I yearned for her to be there, by my side, a one-sided relationship, an unreciprocated passion. Had I left time, will I be praying for more, but I had not, and nothing I could do to lengthen it.
It will come to me weeks and days before her departure, as she will knock at my door everyday, to hourly to remind me of her presence, and even if she doesn't I will knock on her door. The fear to see her leave without letting me know is so heart-wrenching. Let not the fear to know she left without even realizing. For I, truly had neglected such privilege of time, the most precious resource. I would feel I deserved nothing, that I had been nothing.
We exchanged our last kiss in August, and since, she left, she disappeared. And I was well prepared and well aware. I shed no tear, heartbroken and lost as I was, I wasn't shattered, I wasn't aimless. Because for the last 2 months of our fellowship, she taught me so much more that albeit her physical departure, an imprint remains that will last as long as I want it to, my passion will not subside, and from her departure, taught me trillions, led me learn, bred herself in me once again.
Venia, though you're gone, I won't mourn in grief, but I'll be forward looking and continue as ever, to pray for future generations.
And everyone in Venia who had her, I will always remember you guys :)
Labels: dance, friends n loved ones, Literary
