before 6 weeks, before foa
With slipping of only 15 hours away, I think its due time to write a post, about dance, juniors and FOA.
It's a funny sense of responsibility I feel towards dance venia, for whatever reason, the CCA had been very important to me. Today is FOA, but I would not have a chance to see it, alike the few times in my life when we just have to miss chances and opportunities due to other responsibilities at hand. Looking back as someone who had done this before, I really hoped to help as much as I did for this all important showcase.
Relive the moment when I was a year 6 going through FOA. Weeks of practice zoom by at light speed and without knowing, it is FOA. And as time spares no man, it's all over. The nostalgia, loss, and sadness I feel when walking back from the dance studio through astroturf, to the bus stop (not holland V), and waking up the next day, is extremely heavy. It is like being a guide since I had been there before, what could I do other than imparting my 2 cents worth?
Dance is a the form of art when the performer is never allowed to show the pain he or she is going through, or to expose even a little bit of weakness in mastery, and yet run the ever present chance of not being appreciated by the audience. It is the art form which is always under-emphasized, overlooked, and ignored. But like it or not, it is the expression, an amalgam of human's hardwired ability to think and feel, longing to express, and tendency to move. No one hates the art of dance, because all of us are involved in it in one way or another. With that being said, what is the significance of dance? It is that it is the international language which requires no dictionary to interpret. It is that it's a cross-cultural language which does not exonerate any one of his abilities to learn this art form. It is the device which can bring down all barriers between man, the social lubricant, the ice breaker.
I hope for all those guys and girls who are doing it this year in the CPA, to do it with all their hearts dedicated to it, no matter how simple, easy, technical the steps are. For those year 5s, an experience which we year 7s never had. For the year 6s, it's about time for them to feel the same as their seniors. What I had learnt through dance is that it is not so much as to how damn good you are, but the pride which pervades from the eyes and the heart of the dancer which makes it special for him and the audience. So for all who are to perform, let that happiness, presence, pride, enjoyment beam from your eyes as you take the centerstage, and focus not on the steps, but on the joy and prestige of dance.
Why the hell does it look like I am philosophizing about dance? It's because it took me a long time to be able to grasp the complexity of this art form. My complicated and varied adventures with dance taught me so much, and as students, we always continue to learn.
Labels: christian-bboy, dance, friends n loved ones
every man
So what does it take to truly say that you have cared for your friend? Again and again we have realized that we have failed to live up to the prime examples we beheld, coming short of expectations we have for ourselves as pals of your contemporaries.
This is a statement hilighting my hypocrisy.
I have never cared for my friends for a very long time. Ever since... man thats so long ago. Months of solicity, bla bla bla.
I have constantly tested them.
I have constantly failed to tell them my most honest feelings.
I have constantly failed to give them true advice.
I have constantly failed to be available for them when they needed someone.
I have constantly enforced radio silence so to not get into their sticky matters.
I have constantly assumed things would fix themselves so I could have some rest.
I have constantly failed to enquire for their souls.
I have constantly failed to account for their actions.
I had not really cared, and in fact do not really care for anything at all. How come had I suddenly become this? Maybe this requires some mental strength for me to think and remain on track, to even show basic care for others even if I am irritated, ignored, angry, horribly tired, disoriented, dispersed, disintegrated.
Damn, this will not do good. This will not.
Labels: friends n loved ones, friendship, God
the cliffhanger
Must stop facing the fear of losing hope and losing faith in us all as we are all merely humans. In this race this place this circuit faith is all important but hypocrisy kills the soul.
Hypocrisy, the self, egoism all these who kill the bearer of faith and love in everyone around him. How could this turn a person inside out to this state from who he was a year ago? Can no one see how the knife of hypocrisy stabs the heart and changes him ever so much from white to black?
The fall of one will affect another no matter how remote in relation they are from each other. There stands no wall to distinct each of us from recognizing a corpse of a former self, or is there a blindfold to stop us from seeing a shadow without the person, walking down the alley.
The loss of hope is the first step to fall. The loss of faith is when we all think we are going to be destroyed and so starts a chain of downhill rolling when we regret what we should not and see what we do not, feel what we ought not, lose what we should not. The sky which remains bright everyday with the guidance of God is only blurred, overcast and darkened with the smog and smoke we want to make. The problem is when do we know the guide to come. When would we come to understand what we cannot, as there are indeed many things that do not have a reason.
Labels: dark blue, friends n loved ones, heart
one bar
Last night was a bomb. Forgot vodka absorbs slower than alcohol. So I got myself drunk -.- lucky no hangover. Everythings over on the day itself. IT SUCKS TO BE DRUNK OK. Compared to my first time getting drunk, this is far alot more liquor. It's alike water parading Baron's extra strong, and drinking glasses of kahlua and smirnoffs. Sounds quite little. Actually I think alcohol is accelerated through accelerated speech. Whatever... I am not spouting nonsense last night.
Normally one would feel a great sense of pride and achievement, or maybe looking forward to OCS. Not for me. I would prefer SISPEC.
But more significant than this air of uncertainty is the undercurrent of dread. Unsure of what's in store for me, unprepared for the saikang that's going to come my way in 9 months. I would consider tranferring over to SISPEC. But I shall see how the 3 week confinement period is. I would reflect on how much I will learn and mature out of this phase.
The same ocean of uncertainty and splash of dread awaited me before my enlistment, before being flushed with confidence and assuredness (that I will take BMT in my stride without a hitch) on the day of enlistment itself. It went well. BMT was easy. Smoke it and take it in stride. Now OCS. It's not the masculinity which forms an anti-drop-out shield which I'm concerned. But what occupies my mind is my ability to even want to put up with the physical and mental torture. I don't mind torture, sometimes I welcome it. In fact, I chose OCS over SISPEC not because of preferance, but for the mental and physical development it will put me through. It's very interesting. Seldom would I have a chance to torture myself again. Another toast for the new year. One so far for completing 2.4 well under 10, now another for my OCS adventure. Hopefully, another toast for being commissioned as one bar.
And also for a study to see why we change so much in leadership positions: the situational influences, the dispositional make-up of our character, the all-too-powerful influence of anonymity and power.
And all to you my friends, who already called me sir, you guys give the extra push to tell me that I should go on and finish the course instead.
Training begins in 27 hours time.
Labels: friends n loved ones, national service
kysc
I think it's about time for me to get my butt moving after 8 months of lazing around. Since the first time I decided to study for exams, since the first time I remember myself entering the dance studio in a chilling, damp night, carrying books and notes not knowing where to start revision for econs, begins my starvation from bboy.
And up to yesterday's chilling, dry night did I make a point to resume what and where I left off. So hopelessly behind, but glad that I made the decision nonetheless. No use saying that one won't give up bboying but in fact he had. Just say it in the face. I give up.
My decision in the opposite. No matter what command school will fling at me, I will pluck time up to pursue this passion.
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Guys, it matters to me whether you guys bboy or not in the future. But I will never account bboying to our bonding, just like many of you would not I am sure. Some of you guys would have given up silently. Please don't pledge to each other. These facts are only true to yourself. So if you quit, it's still alright :) We will stick together for a lifetime :))
But I am making a decision to continue, at least for the phase of NS when it's hardest to do so (NS, give me the shit man). So I hope you guys will follow.
Labels: awakening, bboy, friends n loved ones, future, God, kyensai, resolutions, sincerely
There are the ones who crack under pressure. The instructors said that it's easy to see the whayang ones. Those who have something to prove, those who have a clear goal and act like they have always something to prove. Goal as in being an SOC in the near future. Super Officer Cadet.
Having met some of those people, I had, too, also met those who are dense. Those who had COMPLETELY NO IDEA of others' opinion on them, who hadn't the faintest knowledge of the implication of one simple and defining action, who hadn't half an ounce's sense to realize that they are destroying themselves, and have a kiloton of imagination that they are getting away unscrewed.
At the same time, I've met really unselfish, responsible and nice people. I don't use the word "nice" to describe anyone usually. Because everyone is nice in a sense. Freddie is like da bomb man. Once I woke up at 1.30am and asked him to accompany me to the laterine, he agreed. But when he asked me the same question at 5am, I could not agree cos my body was freezing. Then later, I wanted to go to the laterine, he accompanied me again (we have to go with our buddies). John is a responsible, unselfish, accomodating and helpful bunkmate. Nuff said. Finish. Earnest is another unselfish, thoughtful, though shadingly unreserved guy. Just giving few examples from my side of the bunk la. It's these people who really make your life in army more fun, all the more easier and enjoyable. Those selfish people, or people who look solely at their suffering, disregarding others' adversities are so infectious. They possess a virus which spreads and make you want to be selfish because you fear being taken advantage of and stuff (which happens reasonably many times).
I should be less selfish. I will and must actively strive to be less selfish for the days ahead.
Labels: friends n loved ones, national service
sec three
As i turned my head around to watch the news-depicted winter olympics, my memories were brought back to sec 3, when xianyi was crippled cos of a stunt he did during the hockey match. He tried to show off braking at full speed by jamming his heel sideways, but his body momentum was just too fast. So, he ended off crippled, spending his time in the hospital office watching the winter olympics while we are watching the snow-white marker-stained board in our classes.
Brings back to memories the times of sec 3, where there are no worries at all. It makes me feel like a kid living school life with the abandonment of a toddler in the playground. The only difference is that I know how to prevent injury. It was like a free hang-out session after school, bumming around in school, going for sessions, bboy, bboy, bboy. Edmund would come my class in between lessons to break. We would 'study' in the library as Edmund is some lian magnet. Also discussing about Cheuk Ho and his 3000-ampere-electromagnet exploits. Going jurong for lunch and would always eat chinese dumplings. One or two random events popping out in the middle making experiences more interesting.
Amongst the most significant events was Edmund falling on his face, which sucks to the maxmaxmax. It was a time we came together as a crew, the new-formed kyensai generation of friends. And of course, another significant event was the formation of kyensai on 15th Feb. The name had always meant something. Even if we stopped bboying for a while, even if we cut down on practice so damn much, even though I hadn't bboyed properly for half a year, even though we hadn't met up as much, the name and mention of 'Kyensai' still stirs something within me. They are the group of friends who I always have and never will I have to worry about solitarism through testing, grinding times.
So much to recount in this one year, though the hopes and possibility of ever living it were so hermetically sealed, lights and sounds from the year's joy and laughter, tears and sorrow still pervades.
Labels: friends n loved ones, kyensai, life, memories
disappointment
It seems to happen always, that I'm such an invisible man to everybody.
If I regard someone of high importance I will go all out to repay them or help them for whatever much they did to me. And I will thank them, show real gratitude by giving time and money on them. All by brothers and sisters, all who really meant something to me.
And amidst this disappointment and result it came to show that there were really not many who would repay a friendship like I would. Not even mentioning about going all out. What I mean is even willfully taking out time to spend with me. Yes it sounds very proud. But what I'm asking for is not much, is a company, a listening ear, a willing friend in times of adversity. When it comes to now that amongst those I place my trust in few would repay, it disappoints me so damn bloody much.
They would say that they thank me for this and that. They would say that they repay me as a friend for this and that. But never is it shown in action. Fuck words and speech. It never meant anything. I had learnt to distrust what people merely say. The fact that they had said that I was a really great friend. It meant nothing if it's not shown. Well words never meant anything. If one's action goes against what he or she shows it, what's the point?
Sad and extremely disappointed I feel that those who are terribly important to me would not spare a second when it comes to times when I was troubled. Had I to be ditched by these before I learn who to really trust? Am I, after all, not a trustable person? Am I such a freakin menacing person?
And a 38 points bilingual cert staring at me straight in the face.
Labels: friends n loved ones
Thanksgiving post
i've just finished 2 and a quarter GLASSES of tequila, and went breaking after that. so im kinda like tipsy now. And for such, i will type my thanksgiving post. I brand myself for being honest and completely sincere to my friends with anything I say, so with all my heart and all my sincerity, this is for you :) Also, because im tipsy, my neural processes aren't as controlled as they should be, this is because your subconscious processes slow and become less controlled.. not totally uncontrolled that's the thing, but i want it to be less activated so what i say would be equally sincere, but more honest and true. I'm known for my super-intrapersonal knowledgle and rationality even when I'm completely drunk, but heck it, this night at 1.24am, i will just let it loose abit, that's if i can.
Well, where should I start? ok kyensai first, you other guys will flow into my mind later :)
Daniel and Christina - Hey you both, it's been a few years and i've blogged roughly the same stuff. You guys may be bored of it, but well, it's sincere and from my heart, not any of this is the sort of copy-paste shit you see in mass-produced thanksgiving cards. The fact that acknowledge you 2 together is because i see you 2 as one, i mean, when i confide in any 1 of u, i will do so equally for the other party. Thanks for offering a rational voice and supporting me in my actions and stuff. Hanging around with me in school, being good company and talking about so many things in the world man. A piece of information: what makes a couple stronger is not how strong their personality start with, it's how much they've been though and called it their past and future.
Xinfu - You, my son, are an awesome creature. I really wish for more of you people to be around the world when needed man, people who would really advice me, would really bereate me, and who would really offer his honest and brutally honestest honest opinion to me. I haven't beeen very very close to you yet, but your rationality in reasoning and the fact that you're unafraid to hurt people's feelings and the very fact you're completely honest about what you feel and what u tell us when you mean it earns my ton of respect. I would rather someone walk the walk, talk the talk, and mean every word he say instead of live up to a certain expectation.
Edmund - Just about one of the closest persons i've been close with this year. Thanks for lending a listening ear, after all, you're not a person who's quick to advice and talk, but you're one who is able to listen and empathize. You're just about the person who know what's going on in my life, and thanks for being in such a position because recently you heard alot of shit lol. But well, also, friends forever, brathars forever. You know, that's one thing about brothers, they don't leave each other. Bros before holes (random comment lol honest). But for so long we've known each other, perhaps you are the friend which knows so much about me, and thanks for tolerating with that. Oh thanks for your straight-up honest comments sometimes. I really need them cos sometimes i don't really know what i'm doing. But returning a favour for a favour, i will return the same you gave to me, thanks brother.
Jyong - Hey jyong, instead of thanking you for this and that, I would like to apologize for my inadequacy as a friend in the past few months I've known you. Yes, i'm tipsy, but im completely brutally honest. But still, thanks for teaching me mills and backflips. Let us be real brothers and friends. I don't call everyone brother.
JT - Thanks for trying to understand my psyche lol, you guys are those who i seldom confide in, but when pressed i would. remember when the time i told you about being like weird and stuff? Thanks so much for it. I have excellent memory and remmeber random things and things which are small and rather insignificant to people. Though I know you are the few who can really listen, i get to realize it first hand that night when we talked to 3+am. Thanks for listening to me :)
Kyensai - you guys have been my closest in these few years. Though i seldom or never in these few years had a best friend, you kyensians serve to be my closest fellowship i've ever had. No words can thank you enough, although i told and confided and talked to you guys little, you guys are the brothers i really love.
Parabola - as if you visit this blog, i will email you this thing. Alright for oryx and crake, I'll return you the book soon later :) And alrite, thanks for the random encounters on the corridors of the sch having conversations about anything in the world man! also like the phrase "are you thinkiing what i'm thinking?" which made the trademark of the years HAHA. (that, which actually means squash). But really, you intelligent boy who offers a differing view to the situations.
J.Wong - for all the sports and all the brotherhood you brought to us, the toast for the future ahead. The tennis, the badminton, gym, soccer, you are like a sports friend man! Well thanks for trusting me and letting me listen to some of the stuff you would tell me and you said to trust me to keep it :)
Bobbie - yupps, for the shopping sprees and hang-outs, it was fun (including saving alot alot of money HAHA), and yes, thanks for it of cos. OH thanks for the diarrhoea incident too.
PeiWen - Hey well haven't talked in some time, but yea, thanks for the diarrhoea incident LOL.
TianYong - We hadn't talked much this year, but thanks for expressing concern for me. Well we remain good friends don't we. Had got to know about complexities, had gotten to explore our mirroring thoughts and ideas. And too, the growing phase of obsession with intelligence. Well im sure both us had grown and developed alot over the past few months, but be assured, that when a friend is needed I will be there to listen and I mean it. And same on the other side. Deal?
Teachers - you guys were the largest part of my education journey. The determination and dedication you mentors displayed cannot be put to words. Passion indescribable, efforts insurmountable. Chinese A2 teachers, you have inspired me and spurred me on beyond much i could expect of myself. You guys made be believe in myself and the fact that it's possible. The efforts and dedication you guys pump into work is amazing. Special dedication to them, they deserve so much. But I would also have to mention other teachers, who had played such important part in my learning journey, driving me along the way, challenging me to greatest heights.
WeiYang - You have been such an inspiration during my learning process in Chinese. You never stopped spurring me on and inspiring me and encouraging me. I started diffident, unconfident, and ended up accomplished, contented and well-challenged. Thanks for inspiring me and encouraging me, because i really understand what it means by your encouragement. You too, are an inspiration and an encouragement. So much progress, development, maturity overseen through the past year, so much path trodden, and I assure you, there will be friends that will last always.
Seth Chua - Yes, you're still a friend, a important friend of my dear. Thanks for entrusting me with such secret information which i am nt really very supposed to know. But whatever it is, i know you are there willing to be a friend which will listen and stuff. Weirdly, that's what i felt you were. All the best fo the year ahead!
Parents and family - hey dad, mom, brother, grandma had given me limitless support that i feel like i'm free to do anything. But that's aside the point. It means alot from one's parents to affirm their sons, and for my brother to trust me enough to talk to me. I mean, i really feel that I have somewhere to return to, I feel that i am rooted, and i really know that i have somewhere to go, and a responsibility to bear. Although I may call it a chore, the support and love you all give me, i truly appreciate. I shall stop calling myself a good son no more. Just because i return the favour with good grades don't amount to the efforts you guys put in for me. I truly appreciate that.
Victoria - hey nice knowing you Vic. I really never had any female friend who I am so talkable and sociable with in my life before. Nice the PTNH, then the hanging out at fairprice, then the random astroturf-dancestudio picnics and all sorts of random stuff. Thanks so much for being there. Also helping out in the studies lol. Espcially with math when im like stuck then u come out with some solution and i start banging my head asking myself why am i so dumb. Please pardon my pride and esteem :( Thanks for listening to my saikang, all the entity, all the simple complexities and all the 1000 thought processes in the head must be quite alien to understand right? Aiya simple one la, im a simple dude man :) But really nice getting to know you. Really hope to get to know you better and keep in contact through NS. Sorry for the first impression thing, but it is hard to erase. Now it's fine, and i see you as such a nice person. I truly treasure this friendship.
And so these are the people who had moulded my past year. Without whom, i would not have became the YH of today. The development I went through is crazy, much to the people here. Thanks for being such great friends and such great support. Excellent voices of advice, indispensible companions, unforgettable brethrens, and the much-needed companionship. Albeit having many friends, you guys are really the ones who are important to me, who were so instrumental in shaping and moulding me the past year. Not enough thanks can be accredited to you guys, for you all are just awesome and inspiring. I had so much fun, renewal and rejuvenation with every one of you.
Every single one of you are just awesome.
Labels: friends n loved ones, heart, life, sincerely
a sweep of ib, 7 things
A random note. i've reached my target weight of 60kg. I overshot till 61.5. with a BMI of 23.1. So i am officially overweight :)
let's talk about the aims.
Accomplished 16, 10, 5, 6, 3. if you wanna see them you can go find them on amongst the first posts in January. Came close to some others, and failed in some others.
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But more importantly one should review significant chapters. Oh lets talk about the last 2 years.
1. a wrecked first shot
well it's the first time i've shot. And it went into the net but it's stolen. It made me much stronger emotionally and mentally. Finally being able to see myself to die for social activity and friends and stuff. But they've been so much of a help. Sadly, my world and the MOTOS are never the same again. Is it something which will harm me in the future? Definitely it is and still is. No,no it's not about that basket i've missed, but is about all the basketball players.
2. WoW
My encounter with kids did affect me alot. for i've never been able to communicate and open up with them that easily. This is with a language barrier. It so made me lighten and love them.
3. joining DANCEDANCEDANCEDANCEDANCEDANCEDANCEDANCEDANCEDANCE
Amongst my greatest contentions are joining dance again (concordantly, amongst my greatest regrets is being absent from dance for six and half months.) It had posed such amazing influence on me, that i feel more myself and more liberated when dancing. Not just an outlet of expression, i feel it is the very essence of myself, being on stage, hitting the beats.
4. Rafael Nadal
one of greatest influences is Rafael Nadal. I've been a fan since i first watched him. Yes, he doesn't have the finesse of Federer nor the talent half that of Gasquet, but it's his determination, physical and mental strength which wears down his opponents, enabling him to win matches from behind. What a hell of a sportsman. Had been a great example and helped in many areas of life. trained me in discipline which i hardly had.
5. Chinese A2
My fault for choosing this just because i don't wanna lose chinese. But also, i developed an interest in pri.5 towards chinese. Not the hardcore memorization shit, but the beauty of the language. Though i didn't master chinese A2, nor get a 7 for it, this period of time led me saw the beauty in Chinese which i once wanted to see. It made me believe in myself for never i've expected myself to get 79% for chinese. I never thought i would even make a 6! But thanks to the teachers, and the students it made me wake up and realize that there's so many people who are helping me, and giving so much for me to get a 7. So all i can do is to repay them with my best effort. That's something i did give when i decided to go for it.
Oh and yes, without chinese A2, i will never be able to do well in english.
6. Friends
Kyensai, again, you guys just don't break up. there when it was hell, though not so bad at times. anyway thanks so much for your endless brathahood man. parabola! your oryx and crake. im finishing it, and ill rmb the endless random encounters at the corridors of the school in-between classes and SQUASH! WeiYang! Though you were disagreeable at times, the year was greatly influenced by you, and it weren't be the same without you, your support and your inspiration and you're an inspiration too! Christina! nonstoptalkingagain, but still, the rational voice and someone who is neutral, and just like kyensai, oh you are part of us haha, just like them you guys always remain neutral and dont always barge in and try too much to help! Victoria! thanks for being such a friend the past few months. i never had any female friend i was so talkable with. ok ill do a proper one at thanksgiving post.
7. BBOYBBOYBBOYBBOYBBOYBBOYBBOYBBOYBBOYBBOY
it's a great mistake for being a slacker bboy for almost 3 years and working hard for 1andhalf year. but yea, it's an escape. Honestly i don't really die and have corrosive passion for it, but i still love it. Still at crucial times it made me feel alive :) forsaking it is a mistake and i've done it again and again and again. Well my nonstopaction body is easily lured by sports. Taken up stuff like pumping iron, tennis, badminton, squash.. Though i try convince myself forsaking it isn't a mistake it still is. all the time.
7 things which critically altered my life and cornered it bringing it and (sometimes giving) it ups and downs. Without any of these, yh will never be yh of today.
Labels: dance, education, friends n loved ones, life, love
teachers day
They did a hell of a job man. Can't wait to show them the vids. They can't be tranfered in any other way other than DVDs.
The file sizes add up to 830mb. -.-
Uploading to Utube? I'll try if it can be compressed enough..
Hai. Was at the wake just now. A mix of emotions. Too much to say.
First was that i miss my grandpa. Just sad that he wasn't to be any more.
Second was that because of this wake, i had to miss the dance farewell party.
I miss em' horribly.
I've been looking forward to this farewell thing, getting ready, getting prepared, all anticipated and now and you're telling me that i can't F-ing go?
I'm was angry at something I can't express. No it's not the wake. I know full well the importance of it. And I didn't ask for permission to go anywhere. Cos i respect the significance of the wake.
It's just the immense pressure im facing all around nowadays.
Being angry at something that you can't quantify makes you think that you hate yourself. Makes you think that you're the cause of trouble.
I don't know, after all, it's a party. I've missed parties before.
But nothing felt as bad as this one.
It left me helpless and biting my teeth, literally. I can't get over it yet.
Coupled with the passing of my grandfather, whom i was a few hours away from seeing him before his last breath. I had no chance to see him past. On monday, he commented to my mom that he hadn't see me for a "Very long time". But i've visited him on sunday.
I feel horrible.
Cos i was going to visit him right after teachers' day.
He stopped breathing at 1am in his sleep.
Thank God for the very peaceful passing.
It's as if nothing had a conclusion. Nothing. I didn't get to see grandpa before he left. And WTF. IT's just a farewell party. and i'm so mad and emo over missing it, the self-imposed anger and harm to noone.
It's cause i didn't get to say farewell to the dance people too.
So knowing that I can't turn up, I turned up backstage to cheer them on and be there with them and for them, the last time before I go. Yes, it matters a hell lot to me.
Cos frankly this is going to be our last time together. And knowing how "last times" feel like many times before, the feeling doesn't fade. Yet.
In time it will.
My fellow IBexam compatriots. Let's do it again after prom.
Let nothing come between us. Please.
I will pray super hard for this one. Please don't dissappoint me. PLEASE.
"That which doesn't kill you, makes you stronger"
Friedrich Nietzsche
Labels: dance, friends n loved ones, love, out
her
I remembered when I first came for the testing. Fun it was, and engaging, while me myself not knowst anything about her, not familiar with a speck of it. But only have a shovel of words come between us. Unverified, empty rumors stole me away from what I came to love. Words describing everything false, something which wiped my views, bleached my intent, and inexorably left my mind unwavered in decision. The call of a friend didn't do much, coaxing was no medicine, I fell away from it, my reason stained with false consciousness of what was never true. I walked away from something that was gray during that time.
And it must be the chinese festival to delve me into deepening introspection, I reconsidered my options, as one that I already had was slipping from my interests, was slipping from my passions. I hadn't much to do with. And with the rise of the sun and the dawn of fridays I would ask myself till one day I was left with nothing but deep regret. A previous interest had died, because the lure of this was overpowering. I looked at her with extreme regret, for I felt I can't get her back no more. She was always within me, introduced to me since I was 4, I grew to hate her, because of how everyone chose to associate us when we were in our age of innocence.
Time clicked. Days drew to weeks, to months, and till I must confide in a close friend about this problem, as I mourn silently of my folly of not making the choice, laugh at my foolishness of being so gullible, being so blind. Much did me friend, to convince her parents, the only legal barrier between us. So excited her parents were with the mention of my 'return', splits are perhaps, a major factor.
Finally, I got accepted in the 6th month, I savored her juices, and practiced as I could, learning the ways to be with her. I am a quick learner, and I picked up much and learned much in the first few months, and came our first kiss in july, from which derive emotions an amalgam of achievement and passion. But for that, it was almost all that was left for the year, as I had ignored her. But for all I ever wanted, I neglected her, never treated her the way she deserved, never gave her all my attention, was never fully devoted to her, wasn't there every time when she needed me.
Her parents were forgiving, they were the true ones who helped me through. She was supposed to be beautiful, she was supposed to be passionate and awe-consuming, she was supposed to overwhelm. Few truly understand her, and as much as I know the vastness of my talents, there was never a time complacency undecieved me.
I returned to her, mutually, and, with much external circumstances, we are brought together again, not as passionate as before. But with time, I discovered her many sides, multi-faceted, she brings out everything expressible in me, something I never fully understood, and will only grow to better understand. I knew not tenacity, I knew not expression, I knew not devotion, I knew little, as if I've never spent any with her ever before.
But never had she left my heart, though far, she remained near, my publicly-proclaimed secret love. And time had it, as I would have speculated, that she had to leave. It so came to my senses in June, like a bullet, it penetrated through my fragile skin, cutting me down to smithereens. How much I owed her, how much I needed her, how much I yearned for her to be there, by my side, a one-sided relationship, an unreciprocated passion. Had I left time, will I be praying for more, but I had not, and nothing I could do to lengthen it.
It will come to me weeks and days before her departure, as she will knock at my door everyday, to hourly to remind me of her presence, and even if she doesn't I will knock on her door. The fear to see her leave without letting me know is so heart-wrenching. Let not the fear to know she left without even realizing. For I, truly had neglected such privilege of time, the most precious resource. I would feel I deserved nothing, that I had been nothing.
We exchanged our last kiss in August, and since, she left, she disappeared. And I was well prepared and well aware. I shed no tear, heartbroken and lost as I was, I wasn't shattered, I wasn't aimless. Because for the last 2 months of our fellowship, she taught me so much more that albeit her physical departure, an imprint remains that will last as long as I want it to, my passion will not subside, and from her departure, taught me trillions, led me learn, bred herself in me once again.
Venia, though you're gone, I won't mourn in grief, but I'll be forward looking and continue as ever, to pray for future generations.
And everyone in Venia who had her, I will always remember you guys :)
Labels: dance, friends n loved ones, Literary
scariest
A scary thing, is that you know the danger and yet you can't do anything to avoid it. That, is scary, but not so, for you can prepare yourself. What's worse, truly, is to see a friend heading in the path of danger, and you can't manage to convince him.Making things worse are obstacles obstructing a clear view of the situation, leaving you with no clear end, no resolutions, no ways to help, leaving things hanging.For now, I must go and find the truth, future strife must be prevented.
GOD help.
Labels: friends n loved ones
foa pics part 2
Labels: dance, friends n loved ones, memories
foa pics part 1
That's all i haf time for. MORE NEXT TIME!!!
Labels: dance, friends n loved ones, memories
critical
Do things take place so fast? You were fine 1 month ago when I came to study for my chinese exam, now, you're so ill, so immobile.
I don't know what to do cos' I can do nothing. I can't procrastinate, I can't help, I can't do anything, I CAN DO NOTHING. IM SO DAMN HELPLESSLY HELPLESS.
It's about time for me to face this, but I won't let this hope go, I'll visit you as far as I can, I'll do my best to make it fine. I'm starting to see this realization slowly diffuse into myself. I have no idea how to react, or how to combat, or how to deal with it, simple indescribable helplessness. Someone be there for me.
Am I emotionless? I feel helpless, lost, and hear silent fear scream. I cannot let anything go. This thing is really taking a toll on me. The great escape in my working hours, ignorance found in books, but alone, one's left to fear.
Labels: friends n loved ones
past few days
Saturday had many things going on, first i went to the library to borrow a book I've been vying for: The Wisdom of Mike Mentzer. I was so super contented man! Went to hospital to visit grandpa for 2 hours, and seems that he's doing quite fine! He still looks as handsome as ever man. At about 1, I went to the Adidas store, then went out with the crew to shop and walk around for fun, with J. Wong. I was making fun of him with any instance possibly available. He was like "Why is he making fun of me all the time?" with that Australian-Chinese accent. At about 5, left for YMCA for an afterglow, which is a get-together of all volunteers who volunteered for the YMCA camp for the intellectually disabled. I remembered sitting at the tables outside the entrance filling up the CAS log. We're getting all sorts of requests and questions, like one woman asking us to make sure everyone dumped the rubbish in the right places, people asking us where to go, where to sit and stuff. They thought we were the ushers lol. Finally at night about 7, left for Serangoon Island Country Club for Charles' birthday. It was FUN man. Can see Charles having a great time! And thanks Charles for inviting us and booking SIX bowling alleys! Gosh it was damn fun to bowl. My lane was the craziest. We bowled in all sorts of fashion: bowling backwards, through the legs, the complete sideways approach, the slowest ball possible (i got 2.9 km/h with 5 pins down!), superman style (CNE lay on the floor and PUSHED the ball like superman, and yes, it went to the gutters, spin-the-top, football. We laughed and laughed till our throats got sore! I tried replicating my 2.9km/h rampage by pushing the ball even slower. Guess what, it stalled at the gutter and we're all like thinking we're screwed, cos when you row 2 balls, it will jam the machine. So we're like "cannot go to the right gutter". And so all our shots kept hitting the left on -.- Till JUNEN swayed one right in the path of the right gutter and hit the ball which was stalled there! We're thinking we're damn screwed cos 2 balls will go in. but it's not to be. one ball went in, and the machine cleared the pins. At this time, the second ball is approaching the end of the gutter slowly. Just as that sweeping mechanism sweeps the pin into the bank, the ball reaches the end. The best part is that the sweeping mechanism went the opposite way after clearing the pins, pushing the ball back down the gutter into our hands! We got the ball back where we rolled it, literally.
Sunday was the competition at Ulu pandan CC. It was great man. But xinfu had too much fun before the com. He was breaking and cypering hardcore for like hours and stuff. He crashed quite bad, though the performance was really very good already. He was very disappointed with his performance, but needless to say, it's already a phenomenal improvement. Sunshine and Boy were EXTREMELY DOPE. Tosh was damn funny at the last battle, as usual, earning the respect he deservedly demanded. I seldom see this dopeness from them! Always never show in public, until underground (literally) competitions did they show their real guns! We had dinner after the com, sessioned, and went home.
Labels: bboy, birthdays, friends n loved ones
Sunday's com
Sunday's com for crew. All the best kyensai! We did good practising today, and yes they improved lots man.
Today was the last day of exams. But it seemed ages away. The best part is that I had nothing after exams, no1 to hang out with, NOTHING. It was superboring thank God weiyang accompanied me, played soccer, got allergic reaction with some plant poison, volleying from 20 yards out. Well, it always it happens to me, that I somehow have no plans after exams. Funny thing is, Song also had nothing, and I didn't ask him out to chill -.-
So just wait for the results and pray the sky don't collapse.
Labels: exams, friends n loved ones, solitary
the only thing i can say is that its nothing about the opposite sex.
i can't believe it.
it happened.
Search myself to find a fault, silent screams to awaken. They come to pass, I am merely dust; Childhood fantasies of superheros, and the ability of immortality, emptiness, useless, painless, helpless, emotionless, expressionless. I cannot come to terms, I cannot truly understand, nor my inert abilities to grapple, to swallow, to digest, to fathom the end of one's time.
I can't write no more for now.
Labels: friends n loved ones
ac n chem
Today I met Alistair Chew on my way home. So i missed a few buses as we ended up talking for about 15 minutes. He was out on his routine walking trips, for he "loves to walk". Was asking him about life, what he did for a living (which is providing tuition), and of course, his pHd thesis. Well it's going to be in a few months when we will hear "Dr. Chew" instead of Mr. Chew. Haha. Such a brilliant guy deserves a doctorate man.
Yes, and that's him, the guy in brown with a haversack, i know it's not so clear cos I took it on a moving bus, with a loud click that attracted numerous stares. Looks as cheerful as before, now with a wider face, which, he explains, is due to the increase in smiling, thus training his cheek muscles. Oh man I have to say his hair was SCHOOLBOI. Yes you don't get to see much of those nowadays.
Oh a lighter note, chem was fine actually. Yesterday I said how I'm doubtful in my abilities to get a acceptable, or decent grade by my standards. But on a darker note, ENGLISH IS SCREWED. Damn. All I really hope is to get a 15 for this paper, which is damn hard to get cos of my really insufficient revision. English Paper 2 is the paper I felt I'm going to die. Screw it. Do the best you can.
Back to studying,
Bon Voyage, yh!Labels: exams, friends n loved ones, screwed
