I found out that faith, hope and love do last forever
The problem of losing hope is the sure dope to one's journey. Jesus said that there are three things that will last forever: Faith, Hope and Love. How true is this statement. They are the three which keeps people going through the rough times as they will bear in heart that there is a light at the end of the tunnel.
It all started with something called unaccountability. It is about committing myself to something of which I know I had not the capacity nor the will to handle. That was the first mistake, though I truly do want, at that time, to be the one I volunteered to be, I had a feeling that something is not going to be right. It was true. Be it diffidence, be it complex, be it my diamond-faceted brain, it was true as I predicted to be.
Then it came hypocrisy. No one has any idea how much hypocrisy can kill until he is the victim of one. What I'm saying is not merely double standards. It's the fact that one does not act out what he say to his convenience. It is when one says stuff for he sake of saying, or says it because it was expected of them, to be proper individuals and hence, politically correct. It is when you befriend someone for a motive, it is when you say something which affects another's soul for the sake of sounding correct, but in fact, you do not act out or believe what you say. Hypocrisy is widespread. One does not need to be in a position of responsibility to see the double-standards, it is even rampant amongst friends. How many times we said we would be best friends and 'there for each other', but in fact just shrug off our friends' problems by saying the magic words 'I will pray for you'? It is something which I saw destroy a once strong and fiery warrior of God. No matter how much I tried to help, it completely futile. One has no idea on how much his hypocrisy can bring down his friend, acquaintance, or partner.
Next in line is the issue of trust. Trust is something I really believe in, in which I mean I put little trust in people around me generally, because I believe that trust is to be built. I seldom reveal stuff to people unless they got my utmost trust. Though I can let bygones be bygones rather easily, the trust which once were, and was broken will take few times the time it took to be built. Having read books which tackle the issue of trust, having witnessed people around me breaking each other's trust, it destroys the prospect of faith in our lives.
And plus, with the spin generated by the fear of failure, it is a downward spiral. Never again did I put a fraction of trust in another person ever since my wrecked first shot. Never again did I believe what anyone says after witnessing so much empty talk. We start to lose faith in each other, in terms of what each other says, believes, and more pertinently, our faith in trust. Problem is that we are all human and are vulnerable to lying and cheating. But trust as it is, is like a black stain on a white sheet. A few dots won't make a difference. Many grey dots mar the paper. And the stains are hard to remove.
I had always believed in human's good side. It's my philosophy that we humans are weak, and it's easy to think that way. It's easy to look at the bad side of humans, but what matters is to look at what the can be, have faith that they can be better people. Hope in what difference love can do to a person, hope in what the presence of God in one can change him. As you would predict, hope is lost also. How many proclaim to be christians but there was no God in them? How many do I see say 2 different things in church and outside? How many strong christians do I predict will fall within 1 year and in fact did? It is not hard to predict, and that is the seriousness of double-faced hypocrisy.
That explains my behavior sometimes. I make satirical comments, I set traps for people to fall inside, I test people and I have a knack of escape. This is to be a living satire of the world's undesirables. Not like I'm damn pro or that everyone will listen to me, but that I twisted myself and felt the pain in the joint, it is certainly painful to be mangled here and there.
However, albeit my satirical antics, sarcastic maneuvers, unexplained social tests, I believe that all these problems are made by man and attributed to our shortcomings and ignorance to help others, love God, and help ourselves. But it batters me when one by one, people fall around me, dissolve into sand, and was a shadow of who they once were. And it comes to the point when I am at crossroads everyday, every hour in my life. I said before in fireac, does your strength in God as a christian rely on him or on your social circle? What if one day you realize all your leaders were to fall from grace, would you hold fast to God and find out why, or will you follow your leaders and lose faith immediately? That was what I said then, and I still believe in it now. Now that I have witnessed it, I say this: it is too hard to think.
Friends as I know are bonded in common ground. Especially guys. Girls are a little more dynamic and flexible, as it's easier to find common emotional ground (oh yes, that's how they get bitchfights and gossip too, oh yes again, another bonding tool for gurls). Guys, on the other hand, are less willing to talk on the emotional side, cos firstly, they are simply not as emotional as girls, but more importantly, I feel that the masculine side always steps in and say "hey take it like a man dude". With the loss of friends comes to a place where I know not where to go. I am not interested in meeting people here and there. I have 548 friends on facebook. But what's the use of the tally? It means nothing to me, it's just a measure at least of how many times I've said 'hi' in my 19 years, which is certainly many more than 548. New people come to add me, new people I add, but it amounts to nothing when not one is interested in your soul.
The problem now is not the lack of contacts. In this age, it's all overflow. Our minds, our attention, and our needs are so many that they are spread thinner than silk. We have no real confidante, we lack real tight friends we actually need, we lack core values which we thought were too traditional. We do not really care about one another. As I said so many times before, there are too many things and people in my life who are not Terribly Important People (TIP) to me. Perhaps my ignorance had finally found its price. Or maybe its because everyone is naturally drifting.
My last few posts were about friendship. Or maybe at least half of them. But why is it? Because I know that it's something not fully understood by all of us. Because I am starting to find out more about people. It's because I finally realized that I am extremely dependent on friends, not the no-need-friends-also-can-survive type. Though possessing mental strength like steel, it could not hold up to the coming of a tide which washes all away. The closest of which now do not understand my language. We few are still relatively close as a bunch, but sometimes to comes to a period where I'm speaking in foreign language. This will be another time when I look at the sky and with hope say 'no one knows me'.
I feel that I am slipping to a slope of depression. It is when one loses hope of everything becoming good again, it's when one lose faith on everything ever to be self-righted. It is when one does not register love. It is when I actually lose all motivation on tasks at hand. I lost all drive to complete anything I started, anything given to me, anything I was tasked to do. I have no intention to excel, to try, or to work and fight for things which once use to start my engines. Not only do the loss of faith, hope and love affect my spirit, it affects every other part of me. Though we be isolated and insulated like a lonely nation, all we need is a note from any lullaby of love to lighten and liven our spirits, to let loose our hopelessness, to give us faith and trust, to show me that there is a light at the end of the tunnel again.
Though it may be the end of school, though it may be a time when I do not see anyone for 5.5 days a week, though there will be 6 weeks when I can't contact anyone, though I am isolated from this world, I would not want to believe that I will lose all who I held close. Not please.
Labels: friendship, heart, lament, love
a sweep of ib, 7 things
A random note. i've reached my target weight of 60kg. I overshot till 61.5. with a BMI of 23.1. So i am officially overweight :)
let's talk about the aims.
Accomplished 16, 10, 5, 6, 3. if you wanna see them you can go find them on amongst the first posts in January. Came close to some others, and failed in some others.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
But more importantly one should review significant chapters. Oh lets talk about the last 2 years.
1. a wrecked first shot
well it's the first time i've shot. And it went into the net but it's stolen. It made me much stronger emotionally and mentally. Finally being able to see myself to die for social activity and friends and stuff. But they've been so much of a help. Sadly, my world and the MOTOS are never the same again. Is it something which will harm me in the future? Definitely it is and still is. No,no it's not about that basket i've missed, but is about all the basketball players.
2. WoW
My encounter with kids did affect me alot. for i've never been able to communicate and open up with them that easily. This is with a language barrier. It so made me lighten and love them.
3. joining DANCEDANCEDANCEDANCEDANCEDANCEDANCEDANCEDANCEDANCE
Amongst my greatest contentions are joining dance again (concordantly, amongst my greatest regrets is being absent from dance for six and half months.) It had posed such amazing influence on me, that i feel more myself and more liberated when dancing. Not just an outlet of expression, i feel it is the very essence of myself, being on stage, hitting the beats.
4. Rafael Nadal
one of greatest influences is Rafael Nadal. I've been a fan since i first watched him. Yes, he doesn't have the finesse of Federer nor the talent half that of Gasquet, but it's his determination, physical and mental strength which wears down his opponents, enabling him to win matches from behind. What a hell of a sportsman. Had been a great example and helped in many areas of life. trained me in discipline which i hardly had.
5. Chinese A2
My fault for choosing this just because i don't wanna lose chinese. But also, i developed an interest in pri.5 towards chinese. Not the hardcore memorization shit, but the beauty of the language. Though i didn't master chinese A2, nor get a 7 for it, this period of time led me saw the beauty in Chinese which i once wanted to see. It made me believe in myself for never i've expected myself to get 79% for chinese. I never thought i would even make a 6! But thanks to the teachers, and the students it made me wake up and realize that there's so many people who are helping me, and giving so much for me to get a 7. So all i can do is to repay them with my best effort. That's something i did give when i decided to go for it.
Oh and yes, without chinese A2, i will never be able to do well in english.
6. Friends
Kyensai, again, you guys just don't break up. there when it was hell, though not so bad at times. anyway thanks so much for your endless brathahood man. parabola! your oryx and crake. im finishing it, and ill rmb the endless random encounters at the corridors of the school in-between classes and SQUASH! WeiYang! Though you were disagreeable at times, the year was greatly influenced by you, and it weren't be the same without you, your support and your inspiration and you're an inspiration too! Christina! nonstoptalkingagain, but still, the rational voice and someone who is neutral, and just like kyensai, oh you are part of us haha, just like them you guys always remain neutral and dont always barge in and try too much to help! Victoria! thanks for being such a friend the past few months. i never had any female friend i was so talkable with. ok ill do a proper one at thanksgiving post.
7. BBOYBBOYBBOYBBOYBBOYBBOYBBOYBBOYBBOYBBOY
it's a great mistake for being a slacker bboy for almost 3 years and working hard for 1andhalf year. but yea, it's an escape. Honestly i don't really die and have corrosive passion for it, but i still love it. Still at crucial times it made me feel alive :) forsaking it is a mistake and i've done it again and again and again. Well my nonstopaction body is easily lured by sports. Taken up stuff like pumping iron, tennis, badminton, squash.. Though i try convince myself forsaking it isn't a mistake it still is. all the time.
7 things which critically altered my life and cornered it bringing it and (sometimes giving) it ups and downs. Without any of these, yh will never be yh of today.
Labels: dance, education, friends n loved ones, life, love
teachers day
They did a hell of a job man. Can't wait to show them the vids. They can't be tranfered in any other way other than DVDs.
The file sizes add up to 830mb. -.-
Uploading to Utube? I'll try if it can be compressed enough..
Hai. Was at the wake just now. A mix of emotions. Too much to say.
First was that i miss my grandpa. Just sad that he wasn't to be any more.
Second was that because of this wake, i had to miss the dance farewell party.
I miss em' horribly.
I've been looking forward to this farewell thing, getting ready, getting prepared, all anticipated and now and you're telling me that i can't F-ing go?
I'm was angry at something I can't express. No it's not the wake. I know full well the importance of it. And I didn't ask for permission to go anywhere. Cos i respect the significance of the wake.
It's just the immense pressure im facing all around nowadays.
Being angry at something that you can't quantify makes you think that you hate yourself. Makes you think that you're the cause of trouble.
I don't know, after all, it's a party. I've missed parties before.
But nothing felt as bad as this one.
It left me helpless and biting my teeth, literally. I can't get over it yet.
Coupled with the passing of my grandfather, whom i was a few hours away from seeing him before his last breath. I had no chance to see him past. On monday, he commented to my mom that he hadn't see me for a "Very long time". But i've visited him on sunday.
I feel horrible.
Cos i was going to visit him right after teachers' day.
He stopped breathing at 1am in his sleep.
Thank God for the very peaceful passing.
It's as if nothing had a conclusion. Nothing. I didn't get to see grandpa before he left. And WTF. IT's just a farewell party. and i'm so mad and emo over missing it, the self-imposed anger and harm to noone.
It's cause i didn't get to say farewell to the dance people too.
So knowing that I can't turn up, I turned up backstage to cheer them on and be there with them and for them, the last time before I go. Yes, it matters a hell lot to me.
Cos frankly this is going to be our last time together. And knowing how "last times" feel like many times before, the feeling doesn't fade. Yet.
In time it will.
My fellow IBexam compatriots. Let's do it again after prom.
Let nothing come between us. Please.
I will pray super hard for this one. Please don't dissappoint me. PLEASE.
"That which doesn't kill you, makes you stronger"
Friedrich Nietzsche
Labels: dance, friends n loved ones, love, out
male head of household
And he made his aim to send all his kids to university. Despite his strain in finances, he persuaded them to go overseas even if it's a voluptuous burden. The path had'nt been easy, he wrote the pages himself, he achieved it with resourcefulness and wit. Out of his children, 3 went to america for their respective degrees and masters. When you realize that he doesn't live in a terrace, or a bungalow, nor does he have luxuries, nor does he have a servant, but instead stayed at a 3-room for 8 people, you have a newfound respect.Labels: awakening, family, love
employer
He was bright, confident, he was young. An attractive young lad, who'd had so much before him. Married a wonderful wife, set out to start a successful business, to earn a living, more than food on the table, more than roofs above heads. Worked hard and achieved much, as it goes: no pain, no gain. Was never a late night worker, was never an empire-forger, was never an asset-conquerer. An efficient manager, an upright man, an outgoing, respected man.His days caught up, his eyes go weary, his breath shortened ever so slightly with the rise and fall of the sun; health deteriorates, people fall ill. Despite his success, the single thing he cared for was the family he built with his wife. Nothing else really matters, nothing else parred in importance, nothing else was closer to his heart. He loved them, cared for them, fed them. Nothing was more important than the unitary knit among the brothers and sisters, the parents and children.There was once he was sick, and he asked his son a question. And it's not just the answer, but too, the question which reflected within him. His greatest love of all. Despite everything he'd DONE for, the only thing which mattered is the ones he LOVED, and he spent his life trying to forge that love. I was never there before, I can't fully understand it. It brings a new dimension to life and I started reflecting: was success and recognition all so important, in the looming waves of death which we can't always surf on? Why do everyone seem to neglect the family they came from?I can't fully understand it, I've never been there before. But I'm forever grateful I'm given a chance to learn it.Labels: family, love
