The new year
And you ask me what I want this year
And I try to make this kind and clear
Just a chance that maybe we'll find better days
Cause I don't need boxes wrapped in strings
And desire and love and empty things
Just a chance that maybe we'll find better days
So take these words
And sing out loud
Cause everyone is forgiven now
Cause tonight's the night the world begins again
And it's someplace simple where we could live
And something only you can give
And thats faith and trust and peace while we're alive
And the one poor child that saved this world
And there's 10 million more who probably could
If we all just stopped and said a prayer for them
So take these words
And sing out loud
Cause everyone is forgiven now
Cause tonight's the night the world begins again
I wish everyone was loved tonight
And somehow stop this endless fight
Just a chance that maybe we'll find better days
So take these words
And sing out loud
Cuz everyone is forgiven now
Cuz tonight's the night the world begins again
Cuz tonight's the night the world begins again
Better Days
Goo Goo Dolls
Let love in
Labels: heart
pride
It had been months since when I could type a full blog post properly. Everytime I would come to blogger.com, get stuck there, or log in, write a few words, and get stuck there. As I'm typing now I hope that this does not repeat itself once again, and I don't think it would. Because this pretty pertinent topic had been a extremely relevant for me for much of this year.
It goes without saying that my entry to OCS was met with little enthusiasm. As I had mentioned thousands of times, I was asking myself what on earth I was doing there at that time. I wanted no part in running up and down the hill, I wanted no part in rolling up and down in the mud. Not long later I was transfer to midshipman wing, which is the training wing for naval officers, much to my delight. Surely I never expected life to be fun or slack. In fact it is quite the opposite from slack and slothful, swarmed with tons assignments which we dwelled through the A.Ms to do. I was happy to be here as it taught me so much, but the sense of belonging was not here with me. Not many could say that anyway.
It comes hard to live this time without drive. Taking no pride in the work you do is especially torturous. Taking no pride in yourself is debilitating, living through the motions, lazing your liberty and book out time away sleeping at home, lacking drive to get out of bed, go to church, and engage in activities you want to do is ironically enervating.
This drive is something completely independent of its environment. Regardless whether you earn that prestigious sword, whether or not I am in this prestigious institution did not mean much to me. It does not factor the fact that I am going to earn a sword. The drive is something that comes out of myself, something I value, something I make treasure to myself, which is important. And it's in the word: pride.
The pride I mention will not be synonymous to arrogance, though it could cause arrogance to sprout under certain situation and contexts. Pride is the value one puts into something, resulting a certain drive to work hard to achieve something. It is the main driving force behind champions, behind high-flyers who truly believe that they can achieve, and are proud of their achievements, goals, and aims.
It is certainly a great part of me through this period. Dance mattered to me more a lot, and it is the thing which I find most pride and value in, it is something I am proud to have achieved, it is a place where I am proud to have ventured to, and which taught me too much in the span of a few years which flew by. What an excellent prediction it was to feel that bboying would be the thing which will tax me the most mentally and emotionally we approach the end of school. Deciding on which would be the most emotionally taxing thing I had faced, for it is not something which you could just decide in the spur of the moment, it is not something which one could commit to easily, and it really requires a lot of your time and commitment. It is something which I will remember in many years to come, and it only would have been better if I would truly have expounded my potential and ventured a little further into the more unfamiliar.
Pride. The value which comes out of oneself, created for something valuable to him. I realized it had become so important ever since NS started. It gives life more meaning, other than living through the motions, passing day after day doing nothing and going through the motions again. Give yourself something to be proud of, something to chase and look back in time in satisfaction.
Labels: christian-bboy, heart
I found out that faith, hope and love do last forever
The problem of losing hope is the sure dope to one's journey. Jesus said that there are three things that will last forever: Faith, Hope and Love. How true is this statement. They are the three which keeps people going through the rough times as they will bear in heart that there is a light at the end of the tunnel.
It all started with something called unaccountability. It is about committing myself to something of which I know I had not the capacity nor the will to handle. That was the first mistake, though I truly do want, at that time, to be the one I volunteered to be, I had a feeling that something is not going to be right. It was true. Be it diffidence, be it complex, be it my diamond-faceted brain, it was true as I predicted to be.
Then it came hypocrisy. No one has any idea how much hypocrisy can kill until he is the victim of one. What I'm saying is not merely double standards. It's the fact that one does not act out what he say to his convenience. It is when one says stuff for he sake of saying, or says it because it was expected of them, to be proper individuals and hence, politically correct. It is when you befriend someone for a motive, it is when you say something which affects another's soul for the sake of sounding correct, but in fact, you do not act out or believe what you say. Hypocrisy is widespread. One does not need to be in a position of responsibility to see the double-standards, it is even rampant amongst friends. How many times we said we would be best friends and 'there for each other', but in fact just shrug off our friends' problems by saying the magic words 'I will pray for you'? It is something which I saw destroy a once strong and fiery warrior of God. No matter how much I tried to help, it completely futile. One has no idea on how much his hypocrisy can bring down his friend, acquaintance, or partner.
Next in line is the issue of trust. Trust is something I really believe in, in which I mean I put little trust in people around me generally, because I believe that trust is to be built. I seldom reveal stuff to people unless they got my utmost trust. Though I can let bygones be bygones rather easily, the trust which once were, and was broken will take few times the time it took to be built. Having read books which tackle the issue of trust, having witnessed people around me breaking each other's trust, it destroys the prospect of faith in our lives.
And plus, with the spin generated by the fear of failure, it is a downward spiral. Never again did I put a fraction of trust in another person ever since my wrecked first shot. Never again did I believe what anyone says after witnessing so much empty talk. We start to lose faith in each other, in terms of what each other says, believes, and more pertinently, our faith in trust. Problem is that we are all human and are vulnerable to lying and cheating. But trust as it is, is like a black stain on a white sheet. A few dots won't make a difference. Many grey dots mar the paper. And the stains are hard to remove.
I had always believed in human's good side. It's my philosophy that we humans are weak, and it's easy to think that way. It's easy to look at the bad side of humans, but what matters is to look at what the can be, have faith that they can be better people. Hope in what difference love can do to a person, hope in what the presence of God in one can change him. As you would predict, hope is lost also. How many proclaim to be christians but there was no God in them? How many do I see say 2 different things in church and outside? How many strong christians do I predict will fall within 1 year and in fact did? It is not hard to predict, and that is the seriousness of double-faced hypocrisy.
That explains my behavior sometimes. I make satirical comments, I set traps for people to fall inside, I test people and I have a knack of escape. This is to be a living satire of the world's undesirables. Not like I'm damn pro or that everyone will listen to me, but that I twisted myself and felt the pain in the joint, it is certainly painful to be mangled here and there.
However, albeit my satirical antics, sarcastic maneuvers, unexplained social tests, I believe that all these problems are made by man and attributed to our shortcomings and ignorance to help others, love God, and help ourselves. But it batters me when one by one, people fall around me, dissolve into sand, and was a shadow of who they once were. And it comes to the point when I am at crossroads everyday, every hour in my life. I said before in fireac, does your strength in God as a christian rely on him or on your social circle? What if one day you realize all your leaders were to fall from grace, would you hold fast to God and find out why, or will you follow your leaders and lose faith immediately? That was what I said then, and I still believe in it now. Now that I have witnessed it, I say this: it is too hard to think.
Friends as I know are bonded in common ground. Especially guys. Girls are a little more dynamic and flexible, as it's easier to find common emotional ground (oh yes, that's how they get bitchfights and gossip too, oh yes again, another bonding tool for gurls). Guys, on the other hand, are less willing to talk on the emotional side, cos firstly, they are simply not as emotional as girls, but more importantly, I feel that the masculine side always steps in and say "hey take it like a man dude". With the loss of friends comes to a place where I know not where to go. I am not interested in meeting people here and there. I have 548 friends on facebook. But what's the use of the tally? It means nothing to me, it's just a measure at least of how many times I've said 'hi' in my 19 years, which is certainly many more than 548. New people come to add me, new people I add, but it amounts to nothing when not one is interested in your soul.
The problem now is not the lack of contacts. In this age, it's all overflow. Our minds, our attention, and our needs are so many that they are spread thinner than silk. We have no real confidante, we lack real tight friends we actually need, we lack core values which we thought were too traditional. We do not really care about one another. As I said so many times before, there are too many things and people in my life who are not Terribly Important People (TIP) to me. Perhaps my ignorance had finally found its price. Or maybe its because everyone is naturally drifting.
My last few posts were about friendship. Or maybe at least half of them. But why is it? Because I know that it's something not fully understood by all of us. Because I am starting to find out more about people. It's because I finally realized that I am extremely dependent on friends, not the no-need-friends-also-can-survive type. Though possessing mental strength like steel, it could not hold up to the coming of a tide which washes all away. The closest of which now do not understand my language. We few are still relatively close as a bunch, but sometimes to comes to a period where I'm speaking in foreign language. This will be another time when I look at the sky and with hope say 'no one knows me'.
I feel that I am slipping to a slope of depression. It is when one loses hope of everything becoming good again, it's when one lose faith on everything ever to be self-righted. It is when one does not register love. It is when I actually lose all motivation on tasks at hand. I lost all drive to complete anything I started, anything given to me, anything I was tasked to do. I have no intention to excel, to try, or to work and fight for things which once use to start my engines. Not only do the loss of faith, hope and love affect my spirit, it affects every other part of me. Though we be isolated and insulated like a lonely nation, all we need is a note from any lullaby of love to lighten and liven our spirits, to let loose our hopelessness, to give us faith and trust, to show me that there is a light at the end of the tunnel again.
Though it may be the end of school, though it may be a time when I do not see anyone for 5.5 days a week, though there will be 6 weeks when I can't contact anyone, though I am isolated from this world, I would not want to believe that I will lose all who I held close. Not please.
Labels: friendship, heart, lament, love
the cliffhanger
Must stop facing the fear of losing hope and losing faith in us all as we are all merely humans. In this race this place this circuit faith is all important but hypocrisy kills the soul.
Hypocrisy, the self, egoism all these who kill the bearer of faith and love in everyone around him. How could this turn a person inside out to this state from who he was a year ago? Can no one see how the knife of hypocrisy stabs the heart and changes him ever so much from white to black?
The fall of one will affect another no matter how remote in relation they are from each other. There stands no wall to distinct each of us from recognizing a corpse of a former self, or is there a blindfold to stop us from seeing a shadow without the person, walking down the alley.
The loss of hope is the first step to fall. The loss of faith is when we all think we are going to be destroyed and so starts a chain of downhill rolling when we regret what we should not and see what we do not, feel what we ought not, lose what we should not. The sky which remains bright everyday with the guidance of God is only blurred, overcast and darkened with the smog and smoke we want to make. The problem is when do we know the guide to come. When would we come to understand what we cannot, as there are indeed many things that do not have a reason.
Labels: dark blue, friends n loved ones, heart
the end of school
Some would never expect the most dedicated, inspired, and driven to ever give up their sport. A new life after the phase of schooling plunges us to this world of uncertainty. We struggle to grab hold to something in a pool of endless waters, we choke and gulp for air and kisses, the new kingdom and just another miss.
Every part seems to be coming together, but something seems to be lacking. I start to wonder whether is it liberty refracting our lust for freedom, or is it confinement which somehow or rather affected us in a strange, unexplainable way?
The prospect of giving up, or failing when least expected chills my nerves. How could it practicably be possible? Faith in believe in is amongst the central needs which keeps a person together. And I'm not even talking about God.
Out of the grasps of an authority which brings us familiar people under a curriculum for 12 years, we reach a point where we all separate. Autumn falls like colors of dawn, accompanied with the rain of leaves which were once attached to the same tree.
Labels: friendship, future, heart
Thanksgiving post
i've just finished 2 and a quarter GLASSES of tequila, and went breaking after that. so im kinda like tipsy now. And for such, i will type my thanksgiving post. I brand myself for being honest and completely sincere to my friends with anything I say, so with all my heart and all my sincerity, this is for you :) Also, because im tipsy, my neural processes aren't as controlled as they should be, this is because your subconscious processes slow and become less controlled.. not totally uncontrolled that's the thing, but i want it to be less activated so what i say would be equally sincere, but more honest and true. I'm known for my super-intrapersonal knowledgle and rationality even when I'm completely drunk, but heck it, this night at 1.24am, i will just let it loose abit, that's if i can.
Well, where should I start? ok kyensai first, you other guys will flow into my mind later :)
Daniel and Christina - Hey you both, it's been a few years and i've blogged roughly the same stuff. You guys may be bored of it, but well, it's sincere and from my heart, not any of this is the sort of copy-paste shit you see in mass-produced thanksgiving cards. The fact that acknowledge you 2 together is because i see you 2 as one, i mean, when i confide in any 1 of u, i will do so equally for the other party. Thanks for offering a rational voice and supporting me in my actions and stuff. Hanging around with me in school, being good company and talking about so many things in the world man. A piece of information: what makes a couple stronger is not how strong their personality start with, it's how much they've been though and called it their past and future.
Xinfu - You, my son, are an awesome creature. I really wish for more of you people to be around the world when needed man, people who would really advice me, would really bereate me, and who would really offer his honest and brutally honestest honest opinion to me. I haven't beeen very very close to you yet, but your rationality in reasoning and the fact that you're unafraid to hurt people's feelings and the very fact you're completely honest about what you feel and what u tell us when you mean it earns my ton of respect. I would rather someone walk the walk, talk the talk, and mean every word he say instead of live up to a certain expectation.
Edmund - Just about one of the closest persons i've been close with this year. Thanks for lending a listening ear, after all, you're not a person who's quick to advice and talk, but you're one who is able to listen and empathize. You're just about the person who know what's going on in my life, and thanks for being in such a position because recently you heard alot of shit lol. But well, also, friends forever, brathars forever. You know, that's one thing about brothers, they don't leave each other. Bros before holes (random comment lol honest). But for so long we've known each other, perhaps you are the friend which knows so much about me, and thanks for tolerating with that. Oh thanks for your straight-up honest comments sometimes. I really need them cos sometimes i don't really know what i'm doing. But returning a favour for a favour, i will return the same you gave to me, thanks brother.
Jyong - Hey jyong, instead of thanking you for this and that, I would like to apologize for my inadequacy as a friend in the past few months I've known you. Yes, i'm tipsy, but im completely brutally honest. But still, thanks for teaching me mills and backflips. Let us be real brothers and friends. I don't call everyone brother.
JT - Thanks for trying to understand my psyche lol, you guys are those who i seldom confide in, but when pressed i would. remember when the time i told you about being like weird and stuff? Thanks so much for it. I have excellent memory and remmeber random things and things which are small and rather insignificant to people. Though I know you are the few who can really listen, i get to realize it first hand that night when we talked to 3+am. Thanks for listening to me :)
Kyensai - you guys have been my closest in these few years. Though i seldom or never in these few years had a best friend, you kyensians serve to be my closest fellowship i've ever had. No words can thank you enough, although i told and confided and talked to you guys little, you guys are the brothers i really love.
Parabola - as if you visit this blog, i will email you this thing. Alright for oryx and crake, I'll return you the book soon later :) And alrite, thanks for the random encounters on the corridors of the sch having conversations about anything in the world man! also like the phrase "are you thinkiing what i'm thinking?" which made the trademark of the years HAHA. (that, which actually means squash). But really, you intelligent boy who offers a differing view to the situations.
J.Wong - for all the sports and all the brotherhood you brought to us, the toast for the future ahead. The tennis, the badminton, gym, soccer, you are like a sports friend man! Well thanks for trusting me and letting me listen to some of the stuff you would tell me and you said to trust me to keep it :)
Bobbie - yupps, for the shopping sprees and hang-outs, it was fun (including saving alot alot of money HAHA), and yes, thanks for it of cos. OH thanks for the diarrhoea incident too.
PeiWen - Hey well haven't talked in some time, but yea, thanks for the diarrhoea incident LOL.
TianYong - We hadn't talked much this year, but thanks for expressing concern for me. Well we remain good friends don't we. Had got to know about complexities, had gotten to explore our mirroring thoughts and ideas. And too, the growing phase of obsession with intelligence. Well im sure both us had grown and developed alot over the past few months, but be assured, that when a friend is needed I will be there to listen and I mean it. And same on the other side. Deal?
Teachers - you guys were the largest part of my education journey. The determination and dedication you mentors displayed cannot be put to words. Passion indescribable, efforts insurmountable. Chinese A2 teachers, you have inspired me and spurred me on beyond much i could expect of myself. You guys made be believe in myself and the fact that it's possible. The efforts and dedication you guys pump into work is amazing. Special dedication to them, they deserve so much. But I would also have to mention other teachers, who had played such important part in my learning journey, driving me along the way, challenging me to greatest heights.
WeiYang - You have been such an inspiration during my learning process in Chinese. You never stopped spurring me on and inspiring me and encouraging me. I started diffident, unconfident, and ended up accomplished, contented and well-challenged. Thanks for inspiring me and encouraging me, because i really understand what it means by your encouragement. You too, are an inspiration and an encouragement. So much progress, development, maturity overseen through the past year, so much path trodden, and I assure you, there will be friends that will last always.
Seth Chua - Yes, you're still a friend, a important friend of my dear. Thanks for entrusting me with such secret information which i am nt really very supposed to know. But whatever it is, i know you are there willing to be a friend which will listen and stuff. Weirdly, that's what i felt you were. All the best fo the year ahead!
Parents and family - hey dad, mom, brother, grandma had given me limitless support that i feel like i'm free to do anything. But that's aside the point. It means alot from one's parents to affirm their sons, and for my brother to trust me enough to talk to me. I mean, i really feel that I have somewhere to return to, I feel that i am rooted, and i really know that i have somewhere to go, and a responsibility to bear. Although I may call it a chore, the support and love you all give me, i truly appreciate. I shall stop calling myself a good son no more. Just because i return the favour with good grades don't amount to the efforts you guys put in for me. I truly appreciate that.
Victoria - hey nice knowing you Vic. I really never had any female friend who I am so talkable and sociable with in my life before. Nice the PTNH, then the hanging out at fairprice, then the random astroturf-dancestudio picnics and all sorts of random stuff. Thanks so much for being there. Also helping out in the studies lol. Espcially with math when im like stuck then u come out with some solution and i start banging my head asking myself why am i so dumb. Please pardon my pride and esteem :( Thanks for listening to my saikang, all the entity, all the simple complexities and all the 1000 thought processes in the head must be quite alien to understand right? Aiya simple one la, im a simple dude man :) But really nice getting to know you. Really hope to get to know you better and keep in contact through NS. Sorry for the first impression thing, but it is hard to erase. Now it's fine, and i see you as such a nice person. I truly treasure this friendship.
And so these are the people who had moulded my past year. Without whom, i would not have became the YH of today. The development I went through is crazy, much to the people here. Thanks for being such great friends and such great support. Excellent voices of advice, indispensible companions, unforgettable brethrens, and the much-needed companionship. Albeit having many friends, you guys are really the ones who are important to me, who were so instrumental in shaping and moulding me the past year. Not enough thanks can be accredited to you guys, for you all are just awesome and inspiring. I had so much fun, renewal and rejuvenation with every one of you.
Every single one of you are just awesome.
Labels: friends n loved ones, heart, life, sincerely
christmas song
And with this Christmas wish is missed
The point I could convey
If only I could find the words to say to let You know how much You've touched my life
Because here is where You're finding me, in the exact same place as New Year's eve
And from a lack of my persistency
We're less than half as close as I want to be
And the first time
That You opened Your eyes did You realize that You would be my Savior
And the first breath that left Your lips
Did You know that it would change this world forever
And so this Christmas I'll compare the things I felt in prior years
To what this midnight made so clear
That You have come to meet me here
To look back and think that
This baby would one day save me
In the hope that what You did
That you were born so I might live
To look back and think that
This baby would one day save me
And I, I celebrate the day
That You were born to die
So I could one day pray for You to save my life
I celebrate this day,
Deck the halls and bruise your hand
Relient K
One of the best christmas songs i've heard.
Labels: heart
23 koreans
Still, soft quietly spoken voice
That persistenly calls my name
And quickens my heart to come
And I come
Chorus:
And I rest in the shelter of Your love
And I rest in the wonder of Your Grace
And I rest in the shelter of Your love
And I rest in the wonder of You
Embraced in the promise of You
Is rest for the weary soul
Releasing all that is mine
I reach for You
CHORUS
Take all the old and You make it new
Everything I give to You
You're the hope that can pull me through
Hallelujah
CHORUS (repeat)
I rest, by Skillet. album - invincible
It may seem like any normal song. But when you realize that you are praying for 18 south koreans that are threathened to be killed, this song really mean much. And when the previous song is "bring me to life" by evansecence.
Deliver them Lord.Labels: distress, heart
Lost
Soul misguided,
Trodding in your world.
Answer's right here,
Turn a blind eye,
Heave a heavy sigh.
All around you for years,
know it in your fears.
Lost salvation,
meanness is absent,
Gave it up on Him.
Hold on to the edge,
it's never too late to return.
The end is near,
And you'll realize what's been around,
but acknowledged so little, too much.
Labels: friends n loved ones, heart, Literary
Brother in Christ
When you fall,
how much it shakes me.
though me feet,
planted to the ground,
pull me down,
to keep you up.
Beloved how it'll wreck us,
when you fail.
The world falls, without parachutes.
Trying to keep myself strong,
lest one day this actualizes.
I am a participant.
I am a disciple.
Don't hack my soul.
Drain my energy with all but reduced to a glimmer.
Like a reflection by the silverware,
how much you affect us.
Let you be strong,
Impart yourself in us as we in you.
We'll lift you up.
And keep you, empowered.
Labels: heart, Literary
WoW Bintan
It's a trip we go for charity purposes to help people in bintan by doing our part.
The first day we arrived there in the ferry while we met some sec 2 dudes from mansuri secondary also going to bintan for some of their school camp event. Anyway we will meet them later on day 4. Had some time with them, talking n listening music, taking peektchers n jus getting to noe more about each other. Later we went to orphanage where we all planned for what to do th next few days. Saw the performances from the orphans, sing, dance, music, laugh and life. Went to the supermarket to buy some supplies like noodles, tidbits that we will all spam at night. Went Agro resort for our stay, at night we had our first prayer meeting which most of the class turned up and we're quite surprised that that many did turn up. Had some dope bboying on the first day man.
The second day we proceeded with out paintings on tattered painted walls of the orphanage, re-painting, patching up, applying layers over layers, and painting an entire new room which is going to be the.. library! Meanwhile, some other of our friends went to play n talk with the kids. The awkward barrier is broken down so fast. We begin to talk to them freely. Worked tirelessly till sweat seeps the ground deep. After that we all went back to our hotels but before that i rmb that we did sth but i 4got. shiz. anw, we packed up because we are gonna leave for Loolah resort the next day.
The next day: we went loolah resort after visiting the orphans again. finished up whatever painting we can finish. actually painted a picture of the world on the walls of the library. Left for loolah later in an OVEN bus. man i swear its an OVEN BUS. sweated continuously till sweat rolled like streams from my forehead, shirt wet, and worst thing is im sitting in front (above the engine). heat is penetrating the floor and radiating to its 17 yr old victim. Good thing is, after we alighted, nature was our air con man! Kayaked there for 3 hours. changed from single to doubles to single kayak. Loved canoeing/kayaking so much i miss it alot.stayed over at Loolah resort and had our prayer meeting in the open. HOW COOL IS IT.
The 4th day we woke up for this really really long hike around the island then up the hill then down the hill, then went to a boat for what they call... BOOM NETTING. we jump from the boat into the sea (OMG), into a net which catches u (TG). Did this for also 3 hours until we arrived at this piece of this elevation we will label as "survivor island". We stayed over there for 1 nite. Having prayer meeting under strong winds. the global day of prayer is on that day, we prayed for singapore and indonesia, everything we could, political, social, economic, spiritual and its well-being. rested at night under the stars.
5th day, woke up with a disappointment that we aren't canoeing, which gave me a pretty bad mood for about 5 hours until i got sprayed by some water (i duno how this bad-mood-gets-over thing works). Looking back, it's really a small thing to get so pissed off over with. But despite the stupidity, i still love canoeing and would be much happier if i were to be given a chance to canoe. Anyway, we went back to Agro for our stay. re-visited the orphans for the last time, performed and gave each other some of our times and our talents. We left later. We left them. Returned Agro to break. I GOT MY DROP-CHAIRS WIF NO PAIN!! WOO!
6th day - nothing much to tok about, jus the whole day of shopping. Explored a shopping mall where i only bought a shirt but played 2 rounds of sega rally, 3 rounds of daytona (naan i won u 2-1. HA.), 1 round of airhockey and watched Mongan own the basketball machine. Went roadside market later, where i bought 5 dvds, and 1 pair 10 dollar boardshorts :D Thought there were to be shoes and racquet to buy but... NONE!!! PAPAYA!!! Went back to agro for a drench, returned the hotels for a movie marathon till 4 when no1 can take it no more (watched stomp the yard, 28 weeks later, click).
7th day - we left.
Alex, i never forgot the message you sent me. i don't remembered who sent me that mesage, but as i looked at my posts today again, i realized its you. you got me on the right track, you got me started on something i will never forget. never. The nights under the stars are awesome. Admiring Your creation, blanket of stars unreal. And for the first time, the sky was so clear i can see the arms of the milky way galaxy. Nights of prayer meetings, i miss them already. Fellowship, laughing, taitee (I'VE IMPROVED!) with schoolmates was the most uncomparable of all OEPs i've ever had. And God, you're the one in here this time.Days in the pool with roomates, hours on 2 seperate canoes or on the same canoe with my singing partner junen aka naan aka constantine talking about life, human and times. and co-ordinating the shirts with my crewmate :D:D (1st day- haven shirt, 2nd day - kyensai shirt 5th day - floorskillz shirt. 7th day - EL shirt) we even brought kyensai caps XDXD.Its so much fun, love, fellowship i miss so much.
The paint is dripping with my sweat, worked for 2 hours straight, my body tells me to stop, but when the thought of the kids came, my body fades, my spirit takes over.
Till the last day, i never overcame the language barrier.
The time came for us to leave. And it was never good leaving. I feel sad already leaving these kids. Then one kid i saw looked at me. He held our hands, placed it on his forehead. His forehead's crumpled. He hugged us tight. As tight as he could. The eyes cannot contain his tears. And my emotions, my love, my eyes were broken by how much he actually holds us in his eyes.
My tears fall with his. Then 3 more other kids, came to me and hugged me. I can't do much. Every part of me wanted to stay over with them. I can't accept the great possibility that i won't be able to go back there and get involved and help them again. I hate the possibility of that even happening.A file of orphans came to us. they all, i can see are really appreciative of what we've done. I can see their sad faces. What's the least i can do? I shook their hands, did their greeting, hugged them, and whispered a prayed for every one them that passed by. Inside of me, crying for the salvation of these souls. What chance do they have? what chance do they have?let it all out in the toilet. It was the perfect place for a retreat. Prayed for them right there and them in tears, sorry if i sound really sentimental, but i am now. Please, my dear God, save them one day, save them one day!
I was walking for the bus, then a feeling of guilt rushed over me. I am supposed to do something and shine for You. I tried to think its a small matter, but literally with an advancing step was an exponential increase of that guilt. unable to take it anymore, i only did what i can do for 5 seconds, turned back, held an english-speaking guy's hand, told him "i hope one day you will know this guy called Jesus. I really hope you do."
What little can i do? what chance do they have?As i looked back, honestly, there can be a few more minutes better spent. There is really more i could do for the kids, there is really more i could do for God. I have tried hard, but not my best. I was crying out for more time, trying the best i can to do something for them in the last half hour. praying for all of them, talking to one of them, teaching one of them bboying. God, i have failed you again.
I wanted a chance so much to go back. Every moment back there and then is so real. i see it, i feel it, i smell it. God, what can i do? let them some hope, give them some hope Lord, give them all hope.God, if not for you, this would have been a wasted 600 dollar trip. Lord you really made our WoW. And God i really really mean that the 600 dollar will go to a waste. God, give us another chance to do something for you.let your word go through, let your light expose all darkness. You claim the victory Lord.Labels: everlasting, heart, ilovemebutGodlovesmemore
the night
u noe how it feels, to sit through one whole night alone, staying up till the sun rise again, not having anyone to turn to, no one to talk to, but to keep yourself as busy as possible with a monotonous math portfolio u supposed to hand up when school starts?no cure of sleep, no cure of food, television, friend.Labels: christian-bboy, heart
just over
wonder what its like to have your life in His hands when you're standing in between 2 choices that you feel dear to both?
you go one way, u feel hurt of losing it. you go the other way, you feel hurt to see things go as time passes.so what to do? pray to God and ask for a sign, ask for direction. I asked for the direction and, it was just over 59 mins ago, by the time i post this, its about 70.
I feel quite.... emo. just about how things turned up. Thank God for the music from delirious that managed to keep me calm, if not, its just like waiting for the results of a major exam.I know what to do now. Cos of directions i asked from God. Pray for my strength.
It's just over. the results are just known. Whatever it is, I will walk the way the verdict tells, and not going to turn back again.unless God
tells me to.
Labels: friends n loved ones, heart
edge.
By tomorrow Lord, it's the verdict.
Standing on the edge.An edge that cuts nothing. Just a step forward, further track of inspiration.
demolish the fire and my mark I've left.
all of us have Alzheimer's. i only wanted a signal,
hold up a bottle to commit this to memory.
shred of dress i'm holding, it's a new day,vanished without a scent. standing on the edge,a prompt to fall, an initiative to turn my back and never visit again.march on, sun's rays penetrate me,
a step forward and nothing the opposite.
forever unless You tell me to.
Labels: christian-bboy, friends n loved ones, heart, Literary
the association
about a century ago, a man with a passion arrived. and with a longing, erected a beacon in the soil of this tropical island. He was so passionate, that he worked so hard for it, he fell sick and had to return back to where he came from and quit managing the building he built.
Being the manager of the building is hard. his eyes see lives while we all see books, his heart beats for rescue, our hearts can only feel, can only see, a holiday resort.
The sea's roaring, the waves are devouring. A thousand people bobbing in the sea. Without knowledge that it's the recipe of death.
I joined this association a few years ago. First thing i realized, is that people in this association, are rather happy people. They are generally happier than the other people who are not in this association. The office, or what they call "camp" or "headquarters" is really well-furbished. I've always known them for their rescue missions, their passion to rescue people from the treacherous waters.
Then came my decision to join to this association. And here is what i am today.
Something occured in this quarters that kinda puzzled me.
The people were kind, caring, compassionate. The greatest irony materialized. Quite a substatial amount of people, no, a few people in fact, were screaming in the tumbling winds, facing the storey-high waves, screaming to the people in the quarters for help, to pull one more guy out of the water. A thousand of them in the quarters, barely 10 responded. About two hundred wished them "all the best" from inside the quarters in their K-Marts, Armanis, 'fraid to drown their Drakkar Noirs, unwilling to leave the Apple plugged in one year.
At a corner of this association, a cast, a statue caught my eye. As gold as it is, as little dust it collected, as little attention it grabs.
Isn't that the man who started this association? More than a century of history. How has rescue quarters turned up to be a clubhouse, the ugly revelation, the disgusting truth. A round of secularism, dead is the purpose, the invasion of a global mission to produce professionals, while there is so little reaction towards this imposition.
this association - a clubhouse, a social forum, holiday resort. is anybody listening? can you hear their screams for people to help?
Labels: christian-bboy, heart, Literary
Deteriorate
it came to me that i should just blog whether i feel good or not.
anyway, there is always something i wanted to say about my present school, which was also my secondary school. but just too lazy to write that.
everytime i think of it, it pricks my emotions. To see the same school i'm in- ACS, been worn to this extent is saddening. I was a sec 4, now a j1. Only little more stress. But ACS is now so much, too much of an institution.
It was fine in sec 4. I feel it when we win the title, or lose the title. especially the B div. We failed to achieve the title for 3 years. I felt the prick, and it's not pleasant. And now, even as B div or A div owns, i feel nothing. B div won the title. I only smiled and thought "praise the Lord, they got it back". But i feel little hapiness, or at least, happy for them.
How much did we really progress? Names, engravements, plagues, gold, platinium, all the milestones you can think of. Immense but gray, solid but dead. Where was the rainbow that ran through the corridors?
Have we became tired and worn out? Or have deadlines killed our spirits?
However, its a paradox. We have worked harder, churned out more stuff then ever, and pushed the lines of our threshold to the exponent. However, dead on these lines we lay, for tomorrow is another factory day, no one finds nothing to say, pick up your tools and destroy the spirit, for another title we build for in 2 years, but forgetting the glory of the once ACS.
Labels: heart, Literary
split
my rational side has been paving the way so far. gone so far, was stopped quite a few times, bt this is the biggest one so far. i have to resort to force right now. its an on and off. this thing come to disturb me sometimes, and it comes, and its gone.
God can you lead the way and teach me what to do?
Because my emotional and sorta 'natural' side is starting to pull me the other way. i'm split. jus as 'emo' i feel when i start this post, its now gone.
if this is gonna stop me from serving God, i'm going to overcome it, as what Kenneth Haggin Jr. said today. "you are not going to be defeated".but God, it comes and go. and Lord u know i'm not a technical guy, Lord u know i dont always think with my head.
i'm really in need of You now.Labels: christian-bboy, heart
Evening.
Evening
Here i am this evening.
Hold my ground.
Test if my journey, is really right.
Something in me,
Something i've reached-
That i can't drop it totally,
That i can't just yet.
Challenged by my verdict.
Work out my Faith.
Notes for reminiscence,
Play the scene again.
If this hasn't another chance,
How much easier would it be.
Perhaps a smooth road ain't the medicine.
Replay the scene again,
Pour the salt on this unclosed scab.
Regret, you're in front of me.
Guilt, stop visiting me.
Jesus, this musn't be "vengeance is mine"?
Pain, come feed me and
Truth, show yourself.
My Light, your plans prevail but,
My sight, you are so fragile.
And my legs buckle by themselves.
But am I wandering to night,
or turning back to the Light?
Stand by Your promises
Show me;
My light.
Labels: friends n loved ones, heart, Literary
times
utilitarian is king now. everyone's forgotten loyalty. everyone's forgotten commitment. everything that once had a backbone, fell, like a tree void of its trunk, like a flower, wilting, void of its roots.
It rules our lives. all we see are a foot ahead. seeking for temporal pleasures, that disappear to the dust, that vanish in by the twinkle. everything has no beginning to turn to, everyone's living for the moment. nothing holds, no commitment, no faith, no effort, no responsibility, nothing you say, or you will say holds at all. because they will all be committed to only memory. and maybe, one day our minds will instruct itself to forget.
nothing we ever do will be accountable, will hold any worth. everything we think we do, everything we say we do don't mean anything now.
because everyone's changing their decisions, everyone's breaking promises every by the second.
Labels: heart
Never left my side
I was sure by now
That You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say “Amen”, and it’s still raining
As the thunder rolls
I barely hear Your whisper through the rain
“I’m with you”
And as You mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away
I’ll praise You in this storm
And I will life my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
Every tear I’ve cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm
I remember when
I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry
You raised me up again
My strength is almost gone
How can I carry on
If I can’t find You
As the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
“I’m with you”
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away
I’ll praise You in this storm
And I will life my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
Every tear I’ve cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm I lift my eyes unto the hills
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord
The Maker of Heaven and Earth
I’ll praise You in this storm
And I will life my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
Every tear I’ve cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm
Though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm
Praise you in this storm
album: lifesong
artist: casting crowns
Probably the best description for what God has done for the undeserving, imperfect, sinful wong yuan hao.
Labels: heart, ilovemebutGodlovesmemore
